Monday, February 28, 2011


A couple of weeks ago, Pete Wilson, pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville posted on his daily blog about healing. His main point was that we all need healing of some kind. Each one of us. If we realized that, and embraced that, how would that change the way we treat each other? How would that change the way we live our lives? You can read Pete's original post here:

I love listening to Pete preach (I podcast him regularly), and have really gotten a lot out of his book, Plan B. As much as I have learned from his sermons and writing, this simple blog post has stuck with me. I sat down that morning to write a quick blog about it and life (i.e. work) got in the way, but the thought hasn't left my mind. In every encounter I have with people, I have started trying to look at where that person needs healing. Sometimes people show it plain as day. Sometimes I have to use my personalisation skills (thanks handy-dandy counseling degree!). Sometimes, all it takes is listening a little closer and asking specific questions. I am truly trying to take myself out of the equations more and listen to those around me.

My heart aches to see others healed. This is nothing new for me. I am always drawn to the hurt in people, and I am usually drawn to the hurt they do not talk about. Not that I want to be the hero that saves the day or the one who 'cures' them. My desire is for everyone to feel loved and whole. For everyone to feel significant and for all their hurts to be healed.

I know that I can't do that for everyone. But I do know that I can do that for some people. And I do know that I can pray. So that's what I'll do. Because we all need healing...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Strive for Perfection

Call it Type A. Call it Birth Order Syndrome (1st born, btw). Call me a classic Virgo if you believe in that. Call it what you will....I am a perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do. To the point that I am disgustingly imperfect. When it comes to myself, I expect the best and I am hard on myself. I am learning to be better, and I have actually let up a lot over the past few years. A particular incident really highlighted that need for me. But I don't know if I will ever break free from it completely. I try - but that's because I want to be perfect at not being perfect. Yup - I'm complicated like that!
Here's the problem, though. I screw everything up. In my strive for perfection, I question everything, I want to make sure I am doing things right, I try really hard, and I want to please everyone. What really ends up happening is that I push people away and I screw up everything. I am single, not by my own choosing (meaning I did not say "I am going to be 31 and single because I want to be), but really I think because every time someone tries to get anywhere near close to me I screw it up. I try to be too perfect. I try too hard. I ask to many questions. I over-communicate. I am not necessarily what I would call 'needy', but I am a perfectionist - and a major part of that perfectionism is wanting other people to be happy.
I'm really trying to do things that I want to do and to be myself and to embrace myself and to make Rebecca happy. It's harder than it sounds :-) but I'm trying really hard. How un-perfect does that sound - I'm trying really hard to be myself?!?! What happened along the way that got me to this point? Lots of stuff, actually, but most of that I'll keep close because it hurts and its raw.
But in the midst of doing things I want to do and things that make me happy, and being myself, I have once again let my perfectionism screw things up. So today, I'm sad. And of all the issues I have in life and all the virtues I wish I had that I have not been blessed with - this is the one I truly wish could be taken away from me. It has become such a burden.
It makes me really good at things. Striving for perfection means that I am a great problem solver. It means that I will not give up until I have come up with the best possible solution. It means I am efficient. It usually means I am effective. It means I will not give up until I am the best manager that I can be for my students and staff. It means that I am a hard worker and that I make sure the job gets done. I means that I don't settle for anything less than the best. It means that I am decisive and know want I want for myself and it means that I want the absolute best for everyone around me as well.
So when I am done beating myself up over not being perfect and kicking myself for screwing things up again, I'll take a deep breath and realize that there are positives as well. Then I'll remember Psalm 139:14, "I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

So this is me...

I love it when people think they have me all figured out....because I don't even have me all figured out, and I deal with me tons more than anyone else! ha

Someone I know used to always tell me that he knew what I was thinking or feeling better than I did. Stupid me believed him. Ah...we live and learn.

My random question for today was "Can you describe your life thus far in a six word sentence?"! haha I can't describe anything in six words or less! I figured that was impossible. I asked a friend - whose answer was awesome, so I was inspired to think about it a little more. This is what I came up with:

Beautifully complicated progressively evolving awakening experiences.
You see, I get frustrated when I get put in a box or when I get compared to someone else, or when one word or action leads someone to draw conclusions about me. I know that there are many things about me that make me similar to other people - but I fiercely want to be my own person - I fiercely want to be known as an individual.
So this is me....
...I have a huge heart
...I don't let many people know that
...I've been hurt so much deeper that I will ever tell anyone
...In the past three days I came closer than I ever will
...I'm afraid no one will love me because of the choices I have made in my past
...I feel like I love everyone more than they love me
...I feel like that is the way my life is supposed to be
...I don't like to talk about myself
...yet I want people to know about me
...I have an intense desire to 'know' about other people, yet don't want to be nosy
...I use the fact that I am an introvert by nature as a crutch sometimes
...I am 31 and am just now figuring out some of the things "I" want to do with my days/time/life
...I don't do small talk - I long for connections
...I love greasy cheeseburgers with onions :-)
...A compliment from one person last week made me feel like a queen
...I am convinced I would be an awesome wife and mom, but I'm scared I'll never get the chance
...My heart overflows with the point that sometimes it literally hurts
...I have only recently figured out how I overcompensate for failures in one area of my life with behaviors in other areas
...I have had significant conversations with three people in the past five days that I would have never guessed would have happened, yet have provided more clarity than ten years of therapy probably would have (and for the most part, were much cheaper, too!)
...I love to watch sports, and wish I could play them
...I want to go on a tropical vacation (like Barbados or Grenada) but I don't want to go alone or with my family (sorry - not that I don't love you guys)
...I love the water and can't wait for warm weather!
...This year, I WILL visit the ocean!
...there's so much more, but, this is me....

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I cried today

I had the best weekend I've had in a very long time....following some pretty great weeks and some good news yesterday too. Today I cried.
When I lived in Kansas City, I cried regularly. Like almost every day, or at least 3 or 4 times a week for 5 years. When I first moved back to Texas, I told myself I was done crying. Just like that.
Well, it lasted until today. Today I cried.
I cried because someone spoke the most beautiful truth to me. She told me I needed to forgive myself.

I didn't really even know how much I had been hurting until recently. I had convinced myself otherwise and told myself I was fine. It took two very wise, wonderful friends to see right through me - guess that's what friends are for, huh? I explained away behaviors and had made up my mind. I focused my (sometimes) stubborn mind and set goals and have been working diligently with much progress. I was actually feeling very good about things. Until I realized that I was beating myself up - big time. I'm great at forgiving other people. I don't hold grudges; I've got the turn the other cheek thing down....but when it comes to me? Um...yeah...not so much.

So there you have it. I cried today - but it was beautiful, not ugly. At least to me, maybe not to the guy in the Merc stuck next to me in traffic on 190!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Today, I....

...officially got a new boss (start date to be determined)
...made a step to cut deep ties
...failed miserably at trying to explain how I was hurt
...made a decision about something I wanted to do
...asked personal questions I typically avoid
...reached out so hopefully others would feel as important as I think they are
...listened intently
...stopped myself from interrupting (more than once!)
...went out of my comfort zone and tried a new class at the gym - and was okay with the fact that it kicked my butt
...realized I need a serious vacation so I can read all the books that I am piling up on my shelf :-)
...missed someone more then I thought I would and maybe more than I think I should - I'm not sure how I feel about that
...made a little more progress to become the best ME I can be

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Running through my mind....

I have a lot running through my mind (as always!).

I have a lot to say.

You would think with 5 'snow days' in the last 2 weeks I would have written a ton. Well...I didn't.

But...I thought a ton! Does that count? I didn't think so.

These migraines are kicking my tail right now - third one this week. Started new meds for them yesterday. Fingers crossed. Except I have the beginnings of one right now. Not a great feeling.

So much going on right now. Most of it is good. Some of it is great. I don't like to focus on the not-so-good stuff.

God is good. I am overwhelmed. I am blessed. That is what I choose to focus on. Except that this week I have really started to understand that it is okay to tell God exactly how I feel. And I don't have to apologize for it. I apologize for it a lot. I don't think I'm going to anymore.

Conviction is convicting. Wow. It hurts, but I love it. I love my church and that my pastor doesn't make apologies or sugar coat things. It hurts, but I love it.

Back to work....