tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12463823895759235862024-02-07T00:53:55.592-08:00Figuring it out as I go...Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.comBlogger93125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-77881996686076653842013-04-23T22:58:00.000-07:002013-04-23T22:58:57.021-07:00He Spoke....I (finally) listened & obeyedI should be sleeping; this month is nothing less than insane, and my alarm will go off in less than five hours to start yet another busy day. So, I should be sleeping, but I have a story to tell. I wanted to tell it two months ago when it started, but the timing wasn't right. I wanted to lay it all out two weeks ago, but things kept getting in the way. Earlier today would have been good, but I didn't do it. I planned to put it off for a few more days. But...God! :-) I am finding the more I obey, the more I am blessed, yet more is required as well. Rest will not come until I least start to tell the story he is beautifully writing in my life. <br />
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The problem is...I'm not sure where to start. Pardon me if I jump in somewhere in the middle and muddle some of this. If you've read any of my writing, this will not be unusual for you. If you're new here...welcome, and I apologize in advance for my writing! <br />
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<em>Note: If you want the short version, or the 'news' just skip to the end. To get the bigger picture, continue:</em><br />
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To say I stumbled into a career in Higher Education would be putting it mildly. As I remember it (keep in mind this was more than a couple of years ago - ha!), I didn't want to leave college and get a 'real job' after undergrad. The thought scared and paralyzed me. I had visions of Sports Administration or Sports Counseling graduate program but didn't know the first thing about finding a program. (Mind you...the Internet <em>was</em> around...but not nearly to the extent it is now.) At the same time, I was just getting established in an amazing group of God-pursuing friends, was helping out a lot with Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and overall was in a good place personally & spiritually. So....I took the easy route. I stayed where I was, found a degree that I could kinda sorta maybe mold into what I wanted it to be, and took out a plethora of student loans to pursue a graduate degree. Two years later, I was the proud recipient of a Master of Science in Counseling & Student Personnel in Higher Education. Huh? Exactly. A month later, I landed my first 'real job' at the University of Kansas and my career progressed from there.<br />
<br />There were signs of discontent and a roller coaster of passion all along the journey spanning four really great jobs and over ten years. There were stretches of days, or even months, when I loved what I was doing, but something was always missing. In Higher Ed, we are always encouraged to publish and present what we are working on. I never had that desire. That is just one example. It is also imperative in Higher Ed that you network across campus and in the community. There were times were I was great at that, but more often than not, I would prefer to work with those around me and stay within my department. Not to brag, but I feel I have always been good at my jobs; I just did not consistently have the passion and drive to reach the next level. Knowing what I know now, it all makes sense. <br />
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In the back of my mind I have always felt like I was in the wrong career field, but I never knew what I 'should' be doing, or what I wanted to do that I would be good at (and could make a living doing). Let's be honest, reading books, lounging by the pool, and trying different recipes off of Pinterest aren't exactly gonna pay the bills ha! When I moved back to Texas three years ago, I was contemplating a career change, but stayed the course - and honestly, because a job basically fell in my lap. I even turned it down and still ended up with it. God has a sense of humor, ya know! (Side note: Looking back now, yes, I can see many reasons He put me in this position, but one of the biggest things I have learned is that sometimes God moves you so he can change someone else's life. As Matt Chandler lovingly reminds us oh so often...It's not all about me!)<br />
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The past two years have been hard, professionally. It used to be that work was easy and interpersonal relationships were difficult; two years ago that flip-flopped. Work suddenly got hard - and not in a task or project kind of way. In a passion kind of way. I just didn't have it anymore. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE my students and enjoy the work I do, but again...something was missing. <br />
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In early Fall 2012, I remember sitting in my Home Group and mentioning more than once that I wanted and needed a change, but didn't know what I would do. I explored Human Resources, and other education positions, but none of them felt right. I even had an interview for an incredible job at a private college in the area, but knew as soon as I walked out of the interview my heart wasn't in it. In January of this year, I sat with the same group of girls and told them that I knew God would provide for me, and I felt like he was telling me to step out on faith and fully rely on Him for the next step. Um...hello, do you know me?!? Type "A", Plan every minute of my <strike>day week</strike> life me? Yeah...that wasn't so easy. In fact, I at the time I told them this, I hadn't even put all that together in my mind yet, much less verbalized it to anyone. They heard it for the first time at the same moment I did...yet it all made sense. But it wasn't easy. I avoided God for a few days after that - I mean, what else was He gonna ask me to do?? So, in all logic, avoiding Him was the answer. Or not. For days after that I would make the hour drive into my 'real job' each morning and dream about how I could quit that job and find a job I loved. Then....<br />
....it finally happened. <br />
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...I listened and I (finally) obeyed. And aside from about 2 minutes of panic, I have not felt scared, nervous, anxious, or worried. <br />
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So, on February 21, 2013, I turned in my intent to resign from my career. After discussion and negotiation, it was decided my last day would be May 3rd. (aka a week and a half from now!)<br />
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The day I resigned I had absolutely no clue what I would do starting May 4th. God did, but I didn't. And you know what? That was perfectly okay with me. I can truly say I trusted him to provide for ALL of my needs in a way I never have before. <br />
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You know what I've learned from trusting God like that? Two main things - (1) He will bless you - it may not be the way you want, but He is faithful, and (2) when you trust him and He blesses you, He requires more of you as well. I can't wait to tell you more about both! But...I'm sure you're wondering what I will be doing with myself after May 3rd....well....I will be working in the golf business. Took me long enough to figure it out, huh?!? What exactly that will look like at first is not set in stone, but eventually I hope to be doing programming and teaching lessons. <br />
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God is GOOD, friends. That is not simply a comforting phrase or cliche...that is the TRUTH. Rest in it. I'll update more soon on the next steps and some really cool ways I have seen God through this process. <br />
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Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-55129282319385345122013-01-03T07:34:00.001-08:002013-01-03T07:34:36.426-08:0052 & 7 (and Happy New Year)For the past couple of years, I have spent the later half of December re-evaluating the previous year and setting my personal goals for the following year. The goals are always well thought out, and pertain to long term dreams/goals, but to be realistic, they are often focused on where my life is in that particular moment. <br />
For some reason, I did not do that toward the end of 2012. I blamed some of it on my year feeling like a failure (notice I said <em>feeling). </em>I didn't really reach any of my goals for 2102, and to be honest, when I look at the surface, it seems like my life has actually digressed instead of progressed. And that in and of itself was depressing enough to make me not want to look any further, and discouraged me from setting any new goals. <br />
Then came Jon Acuff. If you don't know (of) him, you should get to know (of) him! He is an author and blogger, and the master behind "Stuff Christians Like" (<a href="http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/">http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/</a>), and one of my favorite books <u>Quitter</u> (<a href="http://www.quitterbook.com/">http://www.quitterbook.com/</a>). In any given day, this man and his writing make me laugh so hard I (often) choke on whatever I'm drinking - and inspire me to be better and do better. So, naturally, something he wrote this week set the tone for my next 52 days - and hopefully all of 2013! You can read his post <a href="http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/why-i-quit-new-years-resolutions-and-what-im-doing-instead/" target="_blank">here</a> - but the premise is that you take seven core areas of your life, and set goals for them for the next 52 days. 52 days is so much more doable than 365 - at least in my mind! And its makes so much sense - because as he says <br />
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"In January, you have no idea what July holds or what September will be like or what</div>
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storm will rock your shores in November. But you press on, and make </div>
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your biggest decisions when you have the least information at the start of the year."</div>
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I can do this! And I'm excited about it! So my first 52&7 (which goes Jan 1 - Feb 21) looks like this:</div>
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<strong>Financial:</strong></div>
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Bring lunch to work 4 out of 5 days</div>
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No new clothes/accessories </div>
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No new golf equipment (this will be the hardest, trust me!)</div>
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<strong>Physical</strong></div>
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30 min of physical activity 4x week (not including golf)</div>
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Yoga at least once a week</div>
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<strong>Social</strong></div>
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Send 1 encouraging note/card a week</div>
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Return friend's phone calls within 24 hours</div>
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"Be present" - wherever I am, whomever I am with, be in that moment and not playing on my phone, etc.</div>
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<strong>Mental</strong></div>
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Limit TV to 1 show a night </div>
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Write more</div>
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<strong>Career</strong></div>
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Complete Level 2 of HH PRO Certification</div>
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Respond to all work related emails within 24 hours</div>
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<strong>Family</strong></div>
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Spend one day each with Sadie & Andrew </div>
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"Be present" </div>
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<strong>Spiritual</strong></div>
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Complete daily readings of "Jesus Calling"</div>
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Follow along with my church on the Season of Prayer readings</div>
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Complete personal study of Isaiah </div>
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The great thing about setting goals 52 days at a time? They're not as lofty and feel much more realistic. I read a lot every day, and come across numerous great ideas - but I don't follow through on them. I read this one as soon as I got to work yesterday, and it was so fitting, because you see, as I was driving to work yesterday, I was thinking and praying about the year ahead and how I am jealous that others have said they had a word or scripture for 2012 and were able to see God move in that particular way for them that year. As I was driving, the words INTENTIONAL DISCIPLINE came to me. If you know me, the intentional part is par for the course; the discipline thing....scares me crazy! So Intentional Discipline it is for 2013. The scripture part, I'm still working on. I'm excited to see what God does in the next 52 days and throughout 2013, and I'm excited (ok, and a little apprehensive) to see what Intentional Discipline brings. </div>
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Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-52247686427629938912012-11-01T06:38:00.001-07:002012-11-01T06:38:54.752-07:00Finding the thankfulI almost wrote yesterday, and the day before that, and the week before that, and some weeks before that, too. I didn't. Want the excuses? No? Good; me, either. <br />
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I had to video myself giving a presentation this week. Talk about a humbling experience. I talk all day long, and present tons - but this was a different ballgame. There were stakes involved, I know the person who will be evaluating it, and I am in a season of being attacked for my inadequacy. Complicated, much? Ha! The good news - I got the video done and submitted it before I recorded it again; the bad news - it took me 14 takes. FOURTEEN. Um...Perfectionist meet Becca. Wowzers. <br />
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I admit, I love social media. I have had the chance to reconnect with some great friends that I would have otherwise lost touch with. I have also been able to stay connected to some people I may have never stayed connected to. But social media beats me up. Every day. Some days it is just a little shove into a wall, evoking nothing more than an internal wince. Other days it is a full blown shove me down the stairs, kick me in the ribs event of such proportions that I fully expect to feel the soreness and see physical bruises on my body the next morning. Such is the cycle of a perfectionist. Beth Moore makes an excellent point in "So Long Insecurity" - she says that insecurity wears an extravagant mask of perfectionism. No truer sentence has ever been written about me. (Well, ok, except for everything in the Bible, but you get my point.)<br />
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A woman I greatly admire is Angie Smith - such an incredible writer and beautiful soul. If I ever get the chance to meet her, I am going to give her the biggest hug and thank you ever (and hopefully not creep her out!). All of her writing touches my heart - I have been following her blog for a while now. Yesterday, she posted an article on (in)Courage titled <a href="http://www.incourage.me/2012/10/the-new-pretty.html#comment-157903" target="_blank">"The New Pretty"</a>. In it she talks about the pictures we create of our lives on social media - and the effects it has on others. I'll admit - there have been many times I went to post a picture or update or share a link to an article, and didn't because I didn't think it was exciting enough, funny enough, pretty enough, etc. As if there are not enough battles to fight in this lifetime, you know being born into sin and all - now I have piled on the extra layer of comparing myself to the world through social media. (In addition to the other eleventy thousand places I compare myself to other people every other minute of my life!)<br />
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I put on a few pounds in the past three months - nine to be exact. It is humbling. And upsetting. My prayers have started to turn selfish in the past few weeks/months. It is humbling. And upsetting. Work is hard. My heart longs for things that God has not (yet?) brought to my life. My goals and dreams sometimes feel so far away. Friendships take work. Family dynamics take work. God is gently reminding me that it's not about me or my own plans. <br />
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So today I write. I want November to be very intentional - in my prayers, in my spending, in my relationships, in my health, and in my pursuit of my goals. All this happens to coincide with the month many Americans set aside to meditate on what they are thankful for. <br />
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Today I write - to find the thankful. Today I am thankful. I am thankful for a God who can heal the wounds that no one else can see. Who picks me up when I feel like I have been battered by my own comparison, and gently whispers in my ear "You are EXACTLY who I want you to be and where I want you to be, and it is impossible for me to love you more." Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-68206821471986946792012-05-30T07:04:00.001-07:002012-05-30T07:04:51.613-07:00A change three years in the makingWhat a difference three years can make! Yes, I am fully aware that the saying is 'what a difference a day makes' - but I have seen this on a MUCH larger scale. Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of my RNY Gastric-Bypass surgery (known commonly as 'weight loss surgery'). I am overwhelmed and incredibly grateful when I think about the past three years, and the changes that have occurred in my life. God has done amazing things, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that He used the surgery and aftermath to transform my life. <br />
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I want to recount all of the amazing things that have happened over the past three years, and I'm kicking myself for not keeping a good account of them. SO...I am going to start over....kind of. I am going to spend some time recapping some major milestones/events, and then I'll go back and provide as many details as I can remember on some of them. But, I am going to do that while adding in accounts of what I am doing and experiencing now. It is so easy in this time of my life to think that nothing is happening or that what is happening is not of significance, but that is not the case. I am learning to see each day as significant, and each situation as important and life altering. <br />
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So the easiest way to tell a story is by pictures, right? Well, the captions speak for themselves, but here is a pictorial transformation three years in the making. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIlZkKQoGkdxFMoFsFCHbHCwnRagl7NYfbscqPghh6rQCmKlNiTNkTwjM7CilFi8E-sbIMIBFHmOaqwNoVR2o3m1dYkZJxBAmz-apJofCxA5gKmyYekVINQbM0g4YH4pEKmC2kNjFwVR8/s1600/IMG_1338.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338708970943878962" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIlZkKQoGkdxFMoFsFCHbHCwnRagl7NYfbscqPghh6rQCmKlNiTNkTwjM7CilFi8E-sbIMIBFHmOaqwNoVR2o3m1dYkZJxBAmz-apJofCxA5gKmyYekVINQbM0g4YH4pEKmC2kNjFwVR8/s320/IMG_1338.JPG" style="display: block; height: 320px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center; width: 214px;" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Easter 2009 (1 month before surgery)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQ72YG7AowCLUKF3eTbm8DucX5Y_4lCGl5XfeJJCfAZC61j4GjZ8UzfN2Z1S0XuCHKKQn8R743piSFYf-ZFba-MuF3Yd3o4AXt5BttocuOO3whNdcQ9hs4V5PTH-YoVXjO7fDbZ8uyLk/s1600/IMG_2011%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQ72YG7AowCLUKF3eTbm8DucX5Y_4lCGl5XfeJJCfAZC61j4GjZ8UzfN2Z1S0XuCHKKQn8R743piSFYf-ZFba-MuF3Yd3o4AXt5BttocuOO3whNdcQ9hs4V5PTH-YoVXjO7fDbZ8uyLk/s320/IMG_2011%5B1%5D.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mother's Day 2012 (three years after surgery)</td></tr>
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Some highlights of the transformation: </div>
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- 100 pounds lost (still 20-25 more to go....but its a slow process!)</div>
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- Moved from Kansas City to Dallas</div>
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- Found a church that I LOVE</div>
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- Found an amazing Home Group of girls I love dearly</div>
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- Cut ties with some heavy strong influences in my life</div>
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- Learned to forgive myself and move on</div>
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- Rediscovered my absolute love for golf (which probably borders on an addiction)</div>
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- Set goals for myself that I failed miserably because God had bigger/better plans....and I loved every minute of it</div>
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- Traveled to some fun places (Chicago/Indiana, Boston, New York City, Jacksonville, San Diego) - and have a cruise planned for July</div>
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- Learned what people mean when they say 'find out who you really are' (I thought that was some new-agey crap people made up!)</div>
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- LIVED! and Loved every minute of it</div>
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What the pictures don't tell you or show you, is the complete transformation on the inside as well. It will take numerous blog posts to explain all of that, and it hasn't been all that easy. I have learned that I am stubborn. Ok, ok, I knew that all along, but what I really learned is that I am stubborn with God. I have heard his voice so clearly in the past year and a half, yet still wrestled with Him and what He has told me at times. But overall.....overall, I would say the beginning of this journey, Mother's Day 2008 started a complete transformation that I am forever grateful and forever overwhelmed by. God has been so good to me - even when I want to whine and complain that He hasn't given me what I want - in the grand scheme of all of, He has been amazing! <br />I can't wait to share more of the journey....</div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-27742748055209370602011-05-31T06:21:00.000-07:002011-05-31T06:55:11.706-07:00The JourneyOur pastor described David the other day as seeming schizophrenic - especially as you read through the Psalms. In one chapter he will be praising God and saying how he has never felt closer to him, then simply turn the page and he is lamenting and asking God where he has gone, why he is hiding himself from David. When Matt first said that, I could not stop laughing...but lately, I have realized that is me - 100%.<br />I am at a place right now where I have never understood God more or felt closer to Him. My prayers are deeper, less selfish, I am learning to actually listen - to be still in my prayers. It is freeing and refreshing and wonderful. Then in the next breath, the tide wave of depression knocks me over, and I start to feel like I am drowning again. In those moments (or days), I ask God repeatedly where he is and why I can't feel him. I feel forgotten, lost, and overwhelmingly lonely. Then I start to feel guilty...who am I to question where God is or what work He is going? I "know" the promises he has written for me. I "know" the love he has spoken over me. He knew me before the world began...He knew what I would look like, what I would act like, what my personality would be, what my downfalls are, and what my stumbling blocks would be. Yet He created me anyway, and loves me anyway. When I see God blatantly working in the lives of those around me, it doesn't mean that he isn't working in my life. Just because I can't see it right now, doesn't mean it is not happening. <br />The depression hurts...but not physically. Not even emotionally, all the time. It hurts constantly spiritually. I feel like if I prayed more, read my bible more, studied more, loved God more, just believed more - then I wouldn't be depressed. Then I would be happy. Then I could sleep through the night. Then I wouldn't cry at random times throughout the day. Then I wouldn't be as frustrated or irritable or annoyed. Then I would be happy - all the time. Because like David, there are days and moments that I am right there - so close, so happy, so full of joy and love and life. But those days don't last forever. That is what I am seeking - for the joy and love and life to last through each day. Stupid depression....I'll keep fighting you. But I'm no longer going to fight with tears or frustration...I'm going to stay on my knees and let my God handle you! He has given me a tender heart, the ability to feel so many emotions at one time, the ability to see every side of an issue/situation/argument, the ability to love unconditionally even those who have hurt me severely. He has given me all of that....he can fight the depression. And I will return to loving and living a life full of joy. Even if I do not reach the destination that I have in mind for me, the journey will be blessed and beautiful.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-80527181908016263822011-05-16T09:56:00.001-07:002011-05-16T09:56:30.434-07:00StuckI feel like my life is stuck right now. No real direction, nothing to look forward to, nothing on the horizon. I feel stuck. Nothing is really wrong, nothing is bad, I just don't know where I am going next. I have friends and people all around me that are having babies, getting married, going on mission trips, starting new jobs, getting divorced, dating someone new, etc. I'm not doing any of that. I'm just stuck. I am getting a promotion, but it is not really a new job; it's a minimal shift in responsibilities and a change in title, but it's a job I've essentially been doing for over a year.<br />I have ended or am slowly ending friendships that are not positive for me. I have started to develop some new friendships. I know that right now I am in the place I am supposed to be, but I don't know what is coming next, or even what to expect. It is frustrating because looking around me, it seems like everyone else is progressing and I'm standing still.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-27259328201397946692011-03-28T08:50:00.000-07:002011-05-05T17:16:45.653-07:00Listening, learning, letting goI spent the past two months in a place much different that I thought I would at the beginning of the year. Between endless headaches/migraines, a handful of doctors appointments, way to many hours of working, and my favorite sports time of the year, the months of March & April flew by without any blogging. Nevertheless, the past sixty-plus days have been spent doing a lot of listening, a lot of learning, and a lot of attempts at letting go. So much to say, so many thoughts going through my mind. Simply put, I am at peace and I am happy. I say it so often it sounds cliche or insincere, but I am blessed. Beyond belief. <br /><br />I think a lot about what I want to be. <br /><br /><em>I want to be a writer.</em> Writing beautiful letters, or blogs, or journals. I'm not. My writing is messy, all over the place, and infrequent. I always have the best intentions, but don't get around to writing often.<br /><br /><em>I want to be a runner.</em> I love the idea of running, the solitude, the beauty, the availabilty. I try to run. Not often enough. I'm not good at it. My form is not pretty, I can't go very far at a given time. <br /><br /><em>I want to be creative.</em> To create beautiful living spaces, or inspiring works or art. To know what colors look incredible together.<br /><br /><em>I want to be a great friend.</em> I try hard at this. I don't let a lot of people in very close, but the ones I do, I love with everything I have. I try to encourage them, support them, and reach out to them. I'm not that great at it, but I try.<br /><br /><em>I want to be a wife.</em> Most people accuse me of being picky. Truth be told, I haven't had the opportunity to be pick or even turn anyone away. The chance to date or court hasn't come my way.<br /><br /><em>I want to be a mother.</em> See the previous paragraph.<br /><br />I may or may not ever be any of those things. If I'm not, it is okay. Those things are not what really matters.<br /><br />Bottom line...I want to be a godly woman, and I want to love others. Each day I want to draw closer to Christ and seek him more and more. That's all I really want.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-12731248656524182342011-02-28T07:35:00.000-08:002011-02-28T09:13:49.407-08:00Healing....A couple of weeks ago, Pete Wilson, pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville posted on his daily blog about healing. His main point was that we all need healing of some kind. Each one of us. If we realized that, and embraced that, how would that change the way we treat each other? How would that change the way we live our lives? You can read Pete's original post here: <a href="http://withoutwax.tv/2011/02/08/everyone-needs-healing-2/">http://withoutwax.tv/2011/02/08/everyone-needs-healing-2/</a><br /><br />I love listening to Pete preach (I podcast him regularly), and have really gotten a lot out of his book, <u>Plan B</u>. As much as I have learned from his sermons and writing, this simple blog post has stuck with me. I sat down that morning to write a quick blog about it and life (i.e. work) got in the way, but the thought hasn't left my mind. In every encounter I have with people, I have started trying to look at where that person needs healing. Sometimes people show it plain as day. Sometimes I have to use my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">personalisation</span> skills (thanks handy-dandy counseling degree!). Sometimes, all it takes is listening a little closer and asking specific questions. I am truly trying to take myself out of the equations more and listen to those around me.<br /><br />My heart aches to see others healed. This is nothing new for me. I am always drawn to the hurt in people, and I am usually drawn to the hurt they do not talk about. Not that I want to be the hero that saves the day or the one who 'cures' them. My desire is for everyone to feel loved and whole. For everyone to feel significant and for all their hurts to be healed.<br /><br />I know that I can't do that for everyone. But I do know that I can do that for some people. And I do know that I can pray. So that's what I'll do. Because we all need healing...Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-59362401553554580362011-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:002011-02-23T15:45:43.897-08:00The Strive for PerfectionCall it Type A. Call it Birth Order Syndrome (1st born, btw). Call me a classic Virgo if you believe in that. Call it what you will....I am a perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do. To the point that I am disgustingly imperfect. When it comes to myself, I expect the best and I am hard on myself. I am learning to be better, and I have actually let up a lot over the past few years. A particular incident really highlighted that need for me. But I don't know if I will ever break free from it completely. I try - but that's because I want to be perfect at not being perfect. Yup - I'm complicated like that!<br />Here's the problem, though. I screw everything up. In my strive for perfection, I question everything, I want to make sure I am doing things right, I try really hard, and I want to please everyone. What really ends up happening is that I push people away and I screw up everything. I am single, not by my own choosing (meaning I did not say "I am going to be 31 and single because I want to be), but really I think because every time someone tries to get anywhere near close to me I screw it up. I try to be too perfect. I try too hard. I ask to many questions. I over-communicate. I am not necessarily what I would call 'needy', but I am a perfectionist - and a major part of that perfectionism is wanting other people to be happy.<br />I'm really trying to do things that I want to do and to be myself and to embrace myself and to make Rebecca happy. It's harder than it sounds :-) but I'm trying really hard. How un-perfect does that sound - I'm trying really hard to be myself?!?! What happened along the way that got me to this point? Lots of stuff, actually, but most of that I'll keep close because it hurts and its raw.<br />But in the midst of doing things I want to do and things that make me happy, and being myself, I have once again let my perfectionism screw things up. So today, I'm sad. And of all the issues I have in life and all the virtues I wish I had that I have not been blessed with - this is the one I truly wish could be taken away from me. It has become such a burden.<br />On<br />The<br />Flip<br />Side...<br />It makes me really good at things. Striving for perfection means that I am a great problem solver. It means that I will not give up until I have come up with the best possible solution. It means I am efficient. It usually means I am effective. It means I will not give up until I am the best manager that I can be for my students and staff. It means that I am a hard worker and that I make sure the job gets done. I means that I don't settle for anything less than the best. It means that I am decisive and know want I want for myself and it means that I want the absolute best for everyone around me as well.<br />So when I am done beating myself up over not being perfect and kicking myself for screwing things up again, I'll take a deep breath and realize that there are positives as well. Then I'll remember Psalm 139:14, "<em>I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." </em>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-18793270284627134292011-02-16T06:37:00.001-08:002011-02-16T10:55:18.197-08:00So this is me...I love it when people think they have me all figured out....because I don't even have me all figured out, and I deal with me tons more than anyone else! ha<br /><br /><br />Someone I know used to always tell me that he knew what I was thinking or feeling better than I did. Stupid me believed him. Ah...we live and learn.<br /><br /><br />My random question for today was "Can you describe your life thus far in a six word sentence?"<br /><br /><br />Um...no! <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">haha</span> I can't describe anything in six words or less! I figured that was impossible. I asked a friend - whose answer was awesome, so I was inspired to think about it a little more. This is what I came up with:<br /><br /><div align="center"><em>Beautifully complicated progressively evolving awakening experiences.</em> </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="left">You see, I get frustrated when I get put in a box or when I get compared to someone else, or when one word or action leads someone to draw conclusions about me. I know that there are many things about me that make me similar to other people - but I fiercely want to be my own person - I fiercely want to be <em>known as an individual</em>. </div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left">So this is me....</div><div align="left">...I have a huge heart</div><div align="left">...I don't let many people know that</div><div align="left">...I've been hurt so much deeper that I will ever tell anyone</div><div align="left">...In the past three days I came closer than I ever will </div><div align="left">...I'm afraid no one will love me because of the choices I have made in my past</div><div align="left">...I feel like I love everyone more than they love me</div><div align="left">...I feel like that is the way my life is supposed to be</div><div align="left">...I don't like to talk about myself</div><div align="left">...yet I want people to know about me</div><div align="left">...I have an intense desire to 'know' about other people, yet don't want to be nosy</div><div align="left">...I use the fact that I am an introvert by nature as a crutch sometimes</div><div align="left">...I am 31 and am just now figuring out some of the things "I" want to do with my days/time/life</div><div align="left">...I don't do small talk - I long for connections</div><div align="left">...I love greasy cheeseburgers with onions :-)</div><div align="left">...A compliment from one person last week made me feel like a queen</div><div align="left">...I am convinced I would be an awesome wife and mom, but I'm scared I'll never get the chance</div><div align="left">...My heart overflows with love...to the point that sometimes it literally hurts</div><div align="left">...I have only recently figured out how I overcompensate for failures in one area of my life with behaviors in other areas</div><div align="left">...I have had significant conversations with three people in the past five days that I would have never guessed would have happened, yet have provided more clarity than ten years of therapy probably would have (and for the most part, were much cheaper, too!)</div><div align="left">...I love to watch sports, and wish I could play them</div><div align="left">...I want to go on a tropical vacation (like Barbados or Grenada) but I don't want to go alone or with my family (sorry - not that I don't love you guys)</div><div align="left">...I love the water and can't wait for warm weather!</div><div align="left">...This year, I WILL visit the ocean!</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left">...there's so much more, but yeah.....so, this is me....</div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-2119106449825007672011-02-15T10:23:00.001-08:002011-02-15T18:12:28.108-08:00I cried todayI had the best weekend I've had in a very long time....following some pretty great weeks and some good news yesterday too. Today I cried.<br />When I lived in Kansas City, I cried regularly. Like almost every day, or at least 3 or 4 times a week for 5 years. When I first moved back to Texas, I told myself I was done crying. Just like that.<br />Well, it lasted until today. Today I cried.<br />I cried because someone spoke the most beautiful truth to me. She told me I needed to forgive myself.<br />Wow.<br /><br />I didn't really even know how much I had been hurting until recently. I had convinced myself otherwise and told myself I was fine. It took two very wise, wonderful friends to see right through me - guess that's what friends are for, huh? I explained away behaviors and had made up my mind. I focused my (sometimes) stubborn mind and set goals and have been working diligently with much progress. I was actually feeling very good about things. Until I realized that I was beating myself up - big time. I'm great at forgiving other people. I don't hold grudges; I've got the turn the other cheek thing down....but when it comes to me? Um...yeah...not so much.<br /><br />So there you have it. I cried today - but it was beautiful, not ugly. At least to me, maybe not to the guy in the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Merc</span> stuck next to me in traffic on 190!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-88049401976219559692011-02-14T18:44:00.000-08:002011-02-14T18:52:43.627-08:00Today, I.......officially got a new boss (start date to be determined)<br />...made a step to cut deep ties<br />...failed miserably at trying to explain how I was hurt<br />...made a decision about something I wanted to do<br />...asked personal questions I typically avoid<br />...reached out so hopefully others would feel as important as I think they are<br />...encouraged<br />...loved<br />...listened intently<br />...stopped myself from interrupting (more than once!)<br />...went out of my comfort zone and tried a new class at the gym - and was okay with the fact that it kicked my butt<br />...daydreamed<br />...realized I need a serious vacation so I can read all the books that I am piling up on my shelf :-)<br />...missed someone more then I thought I would and maybe more than I think I should - I'm not sure how I feel about that<br />...made a little more progress to become the best ME I can beBeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-47666850050602058892011-02-03T05:20:00.000-08:002011-02-10T12:17:31.222-08:00Running through my mind....I have a lot running through my mind (as always!).<br /><br />I have a lot to say.<br /><br />You would think with 5 'snow days' in the last 2 weeks I would have written a ton. Well...I didn't.<br /><br />But...I thought a ton! Does that count? I didn't think so.<br /><br />These migraines are kicking my tail right now - third one this week. Started new <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">meds</span> for them yesterday. Fingers crossed. Except I have the beginnings of one right now. Not a great feeling.<br /><br />So much going on right now. Most of it is good. Some of it is great. I don't like to focus on the not-so-good stuff.<br /><br />God is good. I am overwhelmed. I am blessed. That is what I choose to focus on. Except that this week I have really started to understand that it is okay to tell God <em>exactly </em>how I feel. And I don't have to apologize for it. I apologize for it a lot. I don't think I'm going to anymore.<br /><br />Conviction is convicting. Wow. It hurts, but I love it. I love my church and that my pastor doesn't make apologies or sugar coat things. It hurts, but I love it.<br /><br />Back to work....Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-86516222300259369562011-01-20T12:24:00.000-08:002011-02-03T05:12:55.205-08:00Book Review: Left at the Alter by Kimberly Kennedy<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmS0HdsLnoeyEpxKDrh0z_CB8HR44W5DRpJ5pNjZ9cZYQKrHuUQmcmkttU5jcxYR6IjFJoRY3YczLoPTsJcmlQkMxj1h3LBy2uIoIFWQOWCL8dPfttC7xnc7QbGiSJAp718620fVeiDL8/s1600/_140_245_Book_354_cover.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 140px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 210px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569450497615565618" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmS0HdsLnoeyEpxKDrh0z_CB8HR44W5DRpJ5pNjZ9cZYQKrHuUQmcmkttU5jcxYR6IjFJoRY3YczLoPTsJcmlQkMxj1h3LBy2uIoIFWQOWCL8dPfttC7xnc7QbGiSJAp718620fVeiDL8/s320/_140_245_Book_354_cover.jpg" /></a><br /><div><div>Kimberly Kennedy's Left at the Alter is based on the author's own experience of recovering from a lost relationship. The Atlanta-based television personality could not hide her own experience of a cancelled wedding from the public, and has chosen to share her recovery and restoration in this well-written piece. The underlying theme of the book - rejection - is not only applicable to those who find themselves in Kennedy's same situation, but has an impact on anyone and everyone. If you or someone you know is experiencing a lost relationship, or feels abandoned or rejected by God, this book is a great guide to move you toward healing.<br /><br />Honesty is the best policy, so I'll be upfront – as a 31 year old single woman who has not even been near the alter, this is not a book I would have picked up on my own and read, but I am SO glad I did. This is certainly a book I will pick up again (and again) for reference and reminders.<br /><br />Kennedy’s talent lies in the ability to tell the complete story while not dwelling on the negative aspects. She quickly moves to examining motives, thoughts, and feelings while focusing on the Biblical context. The stories of rejection from different perspectives, mixed with biblical truths make this book easy to read and incredibly thought provoking. I found myself putting it down to think through a particular piece, then quickly returning to read the next chapter. Anyone who has experienced any type of rejection will benefit from this piece. Ironically, the reason I would have not picked up the book is the very reason I am glad I have now read it.<br /><br /><em>Note: I recieved a complimentary copy of the book for review by Booksneeze.com. </em></div></div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-89753378504932367962011-01-19T20:43:00.000-08:002011-01-19T21:22:07.626-08:00An aside...I have eleventy million thoughts going through my mind right now. I came in tonight from an extremely long (read: 13 hour) day at work, and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to write. When I finally got settled down to write (which, incidentally, was delayed because OSU went into overtime - and <em>won!</em> I digress...)....where was I? Oh, yeah, when I finally settled down to write tonight, I realized how all over the place my thoughts are.<br />So far, 2011 has been a great year. Easy to say 19 days in, huh? Let's just say, if the next 365-19 (I'm too tired to do the math!) days go as well as the past 19, I will feel immensely blessed. Oh, wait, I already do. <br />Almost three weeks ago, I rang in the new year among family in the middle of the country, and I had a lot of dreams and goals in mind. To be quite honest, I also had pretty low expectations. You see, 2009 and 2010 both held <em>huge</em> changes for me, and at the end of those years, I still found myself disappointed and down in the dumps so to speak. But this year? Yup, this year is going to be different. I can feel it. I believe it. I have complete and utter faith. <br />My goals for 2011 are off to a good start. I am excited about them, and can't wait to share more. I'm excited about what I'm reading - I just wish I had more time to read. Especially in this weather, I wish I could crawl up in front of the fire and read for hours on end. I think that hits on the only drawback I've found so far in 2011 - I want more time. Well, who doesn't, huh? I have found things I love and I am passionate about, now I want more hours to devote to all of them. I don't want to only pick one or two. I want to study, read, and soak up the Word. I want to pour over books and novels. I want to travel around the country and research different cities and locations. I want to run. I want to experience deep, true community with others. I want to serve. I want more....more and more of the good stuff. <br />The challenge has been presented - now a plan must be made. I'm ready!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-40896456855523700762011-01-16T09:58:00.000-08:002011-01-16T20:32:05.030-08:00To be Known.........this may be Part I of many posts to come, because this is what is really on my heart lately. My heart is really evolving, so no matter how/where I end this post, I know it will not do it justice.<br /><br />Isaiah 52:12 - But you will not go out in haste, nor will you go as fugitives; for the Lord will go before you; the God of Israel will be your rear guard."<br /><br />Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."<br /><br />Last Sunday I did something that for most of my adult life (I include college in this) has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I went to church.<br /><br />Yes, I know how that statement sounds. I also know how silly some people think this next statement will sound. - In my past experiences, church has been the loneliest place I have ever been.<br /><br />I've eaten at restaurants alone, participated in 5K races with thousands of people alone, traveled alone, gone to movies alone, attended sporting events alone. I have done many things (and will do many more) alone....but the place I have felt the loneliest? Church.<br /><br />The thing about it is, though, I could never figure out why. I've even been a member of a few churches during that time, participating in activities, attending 'Sunday school', volunteering in the nursery, singing in the choir....but I've always felt alone.<br />Isn't church supposed to be the place you go to find community? The place where everybody knows your name? (well, besides Cheers, of course)<br />Many times in college, especially early on, I would go to church and not know anyone there. The absolute loneliest I have ever felt - and I've had some pretty rough days and dark times - was/is sitting in a church pew (or those comfy individual chairs we all have now) alone - with no one to sit by or talk to. Oh, sure, there were some times, especially in college, where I would know people, but didn't feel comfortable asking if I could sit with them.<br />I would sit in bible studies - places my heart longed to be, a place I looked forward to all week long, and as I was listening and learning and soaking up as much of the Word as I could, I would feel so alone.<br />This pattern has repeated for....who knows how many years.<br />Well...after weeks and weeks (okay...months and months) of giving myself pep talks about going to church, I got up the nerve to go last Sunday.<br />I was scared. I was anxious. I was lonely. I was self-conscious. Funny thing is....once the preaching started....once the Word was being spoken, I bathed in it. Everything else faded away. It no longer mattered that I was sitting in a crowded, almost packed church - with no one around me. I no longer felt alone. I soaked in the words being spoken....I basked in the Father's love for me. The sermon? Classic case of God knowing where we are and meeting us there - the sermon was on being alone in church. Huh. Who would have thought?!?<br />WHAT A MIGHTY GO WE SERVE. He knows every person who has ever and will ever live on this planet. He knows every star in the sky and has numbered the grains of sand on the beaches. And this God....this God is not too busy to know ME. To know my needs and wants and fears and anxieties. He knows ALL of them. And when I acted in obedience and stepped outside of my comfort zone, he met me there. And he Blessed me - beyond measure.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-54529292405851601172011-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:002011-01-12T14:00:02.589-08:00Bring on 2011<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH3DlcqhP2vroSCero6fcUqGHgfbvdSUbO_r4ijY6OOR8owyc96auQSdsk9LPPv-qmqJFzl_mEWT7rDQTgAeklpoz4WzCkWDq-na42aP0qaqPDu6oBcs2UkQ5RVtL-RBqGRCIf1SoLSvI/s1600/Goals.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 345px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 260px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558450753275359746" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH3DlcqhP2vroSCero6fcUqGHgfbvdSUbO_r4ijY6OOR8owyc96auQSdsk9LPPv-qmqJFzl_mEWT7rDQTgAeklpoz4WzCkWDq-na42aP0qaqPDu6oBcs2UkQ5RVtL-RBqGRCIf1SoLSvI/s320/Goals.JPG" /></a><br /><br /></p><em><span style="font-size:85%;">Ironically, I have typed this post four times now.....it keeps getting erased. That's what I get for trying to blog from my iPhone. Lesson learned (for now). Now, on to your regularly schedule post...</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br />2011 has been here a long time now. 11 whole days. The focus of 2011 - - Goals...not resolutions. You heard it here first. (Well, unless you heard it somewhere else...but that's neither here nor there...)<br /><br /><br />New Year's resolutions are not for me. I prove that time and time again. I rarely stick to something very long. Sometimes I get bored with a 'resolution' other times I get distracted by other things I want to do or accomplish - things that at the time seem more interesting/exciting. I have a terrible habit of not finishing everything I start (case in point: my sewing table; case in point #2: my bookshelf; I have more, but I'll stop there for now). Heck, I have been known to not even <em>start</em> a new year's resolution...yup, I'm just cool like that.<br /><br /><br />So...this year, no New Year's Resolutions for me.<br /><br /><br />One of the things I am choosing to focus on during this time of being alone is goal setting. I am doing my best to focus on the positive aspects of being single - because it is so easy and natural to focus on the negative sides. Another post entirely.<br /><br />There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life, places I want to see, things I want to accomplish, relationships I want to build, improvements I want to make. I have a l-o-n-g list of these things. So, starting late last year, I decided to<br /><ol><li>Define and embrace what it means to 'Live Simply'</li><li>Read 35 Books (we've already covered that...but I already have some <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">uber</span>-exciting changes to add!)</li><li>Self-Imposed Spending Freeze (referencing back to #1)</li><li>Complete 6 5Ks (first one - this Saturday...*<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">burrrrr</span>*)</li><li>RUN an entire 5K (notice #4 said "complete" that just means survive...I want to run one - I'm horribly out of shape.)</li><li>Get rid of these pesky 15 pounds</li><li>Blog/document more</li><li>Take more pictures of life (I'm really good at taking pictures of nature or other random things, but want to be better about documenting my life, exciting (or not) as it may be)</li><li>Finish Projects</li><li>Write more cards/letters/notes</li><li>Appreciate beauty</li><li>Take a vacation (or two!)</li><li>Attend church regularly/find a community</li><li>No regrets!!!</li></ol><p>I could (and probably will) write paragraphs about each of those. I have a few more, but those are more personal and I prefer to be more guarded about them. I may (or may not) share them as they unfold. We'll see. </p><p>I have been thinking of my goals for a couple of months now, and I'm excited to have a direction to work toward. It is very <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">interesting</span> to me that I spend so much time teaching students about goals, harping on my friends/coworkers about goals, and setting goals for my program and office, yet I have never truly set goals for myself personally. I really don't think it has ever crossed my mind. Only after thinking about all of the regrets I have about things I have not done or opportunities I have missed did I decide that I needed to make some conscious goals. </p><p><em>And, for the record, I sure did use the word "goal" eight (now nine) times in this post - six in the last paragraph!</em></p>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-18547915365510450872011-01-02T20:00:00.001-08:002011-01-03T09:39:24.224-08:00The Great Book Challenge of 2011I love to read. That has been the case for as long as I can remember. If my hands are idle, I have been known to read any obscure piece of writing - I just can't seem to help myself! I remember being so frustrated in graduate school that I never had time to 'read' - because I was too busy reading and studying for classes. Like most, I have preferences to what I read for 'fun' (I typically don't count reading for work as 'fun') - I enjoy murder mysteries, books about sports, romance novels (not the trashy kind - the ones with a plot), Christian-living books, and the occasional biography (although - the only biographies I typically read are sports biographies - haha)<br /><p>(Complete side note - if you like to read sports biographies - I <u>highly</u> suggest <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Belief-Finding-Strength-Come/dp/1599951614"><span style="font-size:85%;">Beyond Belief</span></a><span style="font-size:85%;"> - Josh Hamilton's story, and </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Back-Stronger-Unleashing-Adversity/dp/1414339437/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294075977&sr=1-1"><span style="font-size:85%;">Coming Back Stronger</span></a><span style="font-size:85%;"> - Drew <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Brees's</span> autobiography. I read each of them in a day - and re-read them both (I think I've read Josh's book three full times now). GREAT reads!)</span><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><em></em></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><em></em></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></p><p>Among my list of goals for the new year (more to come in a post by the end of the week), I have challenged myself to read 35 books. Like I said, I read all the time, and typically have at least two books going at a time; that being said, I am not really sure if I am overestimating my abilities or underestimating. I guess time will tell. </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">One of my *endearing* traits is that I love books. Bookstores are my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">kryptonite</span>. I actually ban myself from Half-Price books because I walk in for one thing (which they usually don't have) and walk out with about 5 new books (or more) each time. Thus, I have a lot of books on my shelves at work and at home that I have yet to read. Go figure. I had planned to just read those, as well as a few I had picked up toward the end of December, and just go from there. My plan was to read whatever I found interesting at the time. Then....that plan changed. You see, I have gotten into the habit of reading a lot of mindless fiction. Books that I call 'bathtub books' (most of the world calls them "beach reads" but that term depresses me that I can't read them at the beach, so I renamed them!). While they are great, and have helped me establish a nightly routine that has eliminated the inability to fall asleep fast. However...to pick 35 mindless books is not really a challenge, is it? And what would I have gained at the end of the year...not much. So....the plan is to mix it up. I have thus far picked 25 of the 35 (with the disclaimer that I may change a few) - 19 of which I already have on my bookshelves. I am completely open for suggestions on the other books of course - and hope to keep you posted on my progress and may even enlighten you with a book review or two (as long as I don't start having flashbacks of high school English!). </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Oh, and the other kicker of the challenge? I will not be <em>buying</em> any books. Why, you might ask? Good question. It's not because I wanted to add another layer of the challenge - although that is certainly a result. The reason I will not be buying any books is that I have also challenged myself to a year long spending freeze. *Gasp!!* Yes, no spending money on books. I promise I'll write more about this in my "Goals of 2011" post. So...anyone wanting to buy me Amazon.com gift cards, just message me and I'll send you my address - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">haha</span>! Just kidding. Kind of. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ok</span>, yes, I'm kidding. I have this all figured out.....famous last words..... In actuality, I will need to come up with 16 books that I want to read that I do not currently own. I'm thinking that between the public library, the school library (cool perk of working for a college), my mom's church library, and beg/borrowing/stealing from friends, that finding 19 books won't be too hard. Both the public library and the school library have inter-library loan which means if they don't have what I'm looking for, they can usually get it from another library. </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">So...here's to the first challenge of 2011, and the list of my intended: </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><em>Books currently on my shelf:</em> </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0849946506/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i3?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0SV6C470V6J1006TH7TS&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846">Plan B</a> - Pete Wilson </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Unspeakable-Sandra-Brown/dp/0446607193/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074044&sr=1-1">Unspeakable</a> - Sandra Brown</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Women-Money-Owning-Control-Destiny/dp/0812981316/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074075&sr=1-1">Women and Money </a>- <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Suze</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">Orman</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Love-Never-Leave-Discovering-Inseparable/dp/1400278139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1294074097&sr=1-1">Love Me, Never Leave Me </a>- Marilyn <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Meberg</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Love-Overwhelmed-Relentless-God/dp/1434768511/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074113&sr=1-1">Crazy Love</a> - Francis Chan</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Forgotten-God-Reversing-Tragic-Neglect/dp/1434767957/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074113&sr=1-2">Forgotten God</a> - Francis Chan</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Between-Sundays-Karen-Kingsbury/dp/B001K3IHMY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1294074143&sr=1-1">Between Sundays </a>- Karen <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">Kingsbury</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Omnivores-Dilemma-Natural-History-Meals/dp/0143038583/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074160&sr=1-1">The Omnivore's Dilemma </a>- Michael <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-error">Pollan</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Forty-Million-Dollar-Slaves-Redemption/dp/0307353141/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074181&sr=1-1">Forty Million Dollar Slaves </a>- William <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">Rhoden</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Bullpen-Gospels-League-Dreams-Veteran/dp/0806531436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1294074199&sr=1-1">The Bullpen Gospels</a> - Dirk <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hayhurst</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kite-Runner-Khaled-Hosseini/dp/1594480001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074213&sr=1-1">The Kite Runner</a> - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">Khaled</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_13" class="blsp-spelling-error">hosseini</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/His-Brothers-Keeper-Familys-Medicine/dp/0060010088/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074233&sr=1-1">His Brother's Keeper</a> - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_14" class="blsp-spelling-error">Johathan</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_15" class="blsp-spelling-error">Weiner</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Their-Eyes-Were-Watching-Paperback/dp/B003CLAIKQ/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074248&sr=1-3">Their Eyes Were Watching God</a> - Zora Neale <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_16" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hurston</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hunting-Hope-Scott-Russell-Sanders/dp/0807064254/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074265&sr=1-1">Hunting for Hope</a> - Scott Russell Sanders</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Good-Things-Happen-People/dp/076792018X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074280&sr=1-1">Why Good Things Happen to Good People</a> - Stephen Post & Jill <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_17" class="blsp-spelling-error">Neimark</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Living-Life-Matters-Harold-Kushner/dp/0385720947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074295&sr=1-1">Living a Life that Matters </a>- Harold S. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_18" class="blsp-spelling-error">Kushner</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585427128/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074310&sr=1-1">The Dumbest Generation</a> - Mark <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_19" class="blsp-spelling-error">Bauerlein</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Covering-Hidden-Assault-Civil-Rights/dp/0375760210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1294074328&sr=1-1">Covering</a> - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_20" class="blsp-spelling-error">Kenji</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_21" class="blsp-spelling-error">Yoshino</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Black-Like-John-Howard-Griffin/dp/0451208641/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074344&sr=1-1">Black Like Me</a> - John Howard Griffin</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><em>Books I don't have yet -</em> </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.jamespatterson.com/books_michaelBennettFour.php">Tick <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_22" class="blsp-spelling-error">Tock</span></a> - James Patterson (Michael Bennett series - out on Jan 24)</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.jamespatterson.com/books_10thAnniversary.php">10<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_23" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> Anniversary </a>- James Patterson (Women's Murder Club series - out on May 2)</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Novel-Oprahs-Book-Club/dp/0312600844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294070997&sr=1-1">Freedom</a> - Jonathan Franzen</div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Crooked-Letter-Novel/dp/0060594667/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294071348&sr=1-1">Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter </a>- Tom Franklin </div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Emperor-All-Maladies-Biography-Cancer/dp/1439107955/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074379&sr=1-1">The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer</a> - Siddhartha <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_24" class="blsp-spelling-error">Mukherjee</span></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Christian-Atheist-Believing-Living-Doesnt/dp/031032789X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294074425&sr=1-1">The Christian Atheist</a> - Craig <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_25" class="blsp-spelling-error">Groeschel</span><br /></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"></div><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">Do you have any fun challenges in mind for 2011 or any books you're planning on reading? </div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-54448966619265698232010-12-31T07:58:00.000-08:002010-12-31T07:58:00.318-08:00Everything and Nothing....2010 in ReviewI have everything and nothing all at once. Yes, I'm just cool like that.<br /><br /><br /><p>This year has been life changing. Nothing short of incredible. Yet, when the clock strikes midnight on Friday night, I'll be 31 and single. Yup....everything and nothing.</p><p>All in all, 2010 has been a great year for me. I started the year with a job interview in January that turned into a job back in Texas. I left Kansas City in May and moved home. I was apprehensive at first - I felt like I was giving up a lot of freedom to move back. It is liberating to live in a city 'alone' and I loved that aspect of KC, but the draw of family brought me back. </p><p>When I started my job in May, there were a lot of changes I had to adjust to. First and foremost - a commute. I had a nine minute commute in Kansas City....in Texas, it is 45 minutes - minimum. That also meant that I had to start getting up earlier. I'm not a morning person, and I love my sleep - so this has been an adjustment. I also moved into a position that was <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">pre</span>-existing. Prior to this, all of the jobs I have had were new positions that I was able to create and develop - that is my forte. In addition, I had a boss. A real boss....and that was a challenge. I am used to reporting to someone, but not really being 'supervised' on a daily (or hourly) basis. The other challenge on the work front - I didn't have an office. Early on, I was in the main office with the admin, student employees, and all the traffic. </p><p>How quickly things changed! My boss left in July - she took early retirement from the university - and we moved into our new building in July - so I finally had my office. From there, the wild and crazy ride began. I have certainly learned the things I love about my job and the things I could live without. It is helping me shape my goals and direction for the future, which is good. Before moving back, I really didn't have clear 5 year career goals. I am starting to define those more each day. More on that another time.</p><p>Outside of work, things have never been better. 2010 has been good to me. I have escaped a lot of negativity I felt like I dealt with in the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">midwest</span>. I have spent a lot of time with my family. I would not trade the past eight months for anything in the world. Some of the things I have enjoyed in the past eight months: </p><ul><li>Mother's day with my mom</li><li>Sadie's birthday (and not having to fly in for it!)</li><li>Pool time with the kids and watching Sadie really swim</li><li>A girl's weekend with Denise in Austin - complete with Sixth Street & tubing on the river</li><li>Dawson's first birthday party</li><li>Getting to see Christen and Autumn this summer </li><li>Memorial Day & Labor Day at the lake</li><li>Too many Ranger's games to count</li><li>Going to Ranger's playoff games - and a WORLD SERIES Game!</li><li>Seeing Tim <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">McGraw</span> in concert....Twice!</li><li>Big XII Championship game in Cowboy's Stadium</li><li>Homecoming in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Stillwater</span> with Jess and her family</li><li>Catching up with old friends </li><li>Spending time with my cousins and aunts (and uncles)</li><li>Going to the Showcase college basketball games with my dad</li><li>A strengthened and renewed relationship with my Heavenly Father</li></ul><p>I could probably go on an on....just looking at the list overwhelms me with the blessings that I have been entrusted with. I have an incredible family, and I am lucky that I enjoy spending time with them and have the opportunities to spend time with them that I do. </p><p>I do my best not to take any of it for granted. I do my best to focus on the positives each and every day. I do my best to count my blessings. I have everything a person could ever need. </p><p>Yet, when I lay down at night, there is always the haunting feeling that I have nothing. Some of my strongest desires are not met. Some of my most heartfelt, deepest prayers have not been answered yet. I am a 31 year old, single woman - and I'll do you one better - I haven't been on a date since I was in high school. Yup. And that was only once. I never would have pictured my life this way. What single 30-something would? When my head hits the pillow at night, or when I sit still long enough to let my mind and body rest, if I allow my mind to lose focus (which I admit, happens a lot), all the insecurities and inadequacies and doubts slam me in the face. It is then that I say I have nothing. </p><p>So at the end of 2010, the year in which I have made one of the biggest changes of my adult life, the year in which I have experienced more blessings than I dare ask, the year in which I have loved deeper and stronger than ever, the year in which I really 'got' what God was all about....at the end of this year, I stand alone. I stand lonely. But I will continue to stand clinging to the promises He has given me. Better yet, I will not stand at all....I will choose to kneel and cling to the promises. May I be found worthy.....</p>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-27239078251154974012010-12-29T18:29:00.000-08:002010-12-29T18:29:00.444-08:00Christmas 2010<p align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-aUdf2UyYIrAfIORCfJtBivgUrFgWEsOejCufEBfPRNfTICnvd1R1tx84pVgE4vjOOwGgGPCmkP7hhUxrmApix_3U3p-QQMANbBRuWQejelQ3BT5AiBBKw7J6ABeVcQpX3pry5VBusQ/s1600/IMG_3464.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556262726017216786" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-aUdf2UyYIrAfIORCfJtBivgUrFgWEsOejCufEBfPRNfTICnvd1R1tx84pVgE4vjOOwGgGPCmkP7hhUxrmApix_3U3p-QQMANbBRuWQejelQ3BT5AiBBKw7J6ABeVcQpX3pry5VBusQ/s320/IMG_3464.JPG" /></a></p><br /><br />Christmas 2010 has come and gone. This is the first Christmas since I moved to college that I have been home for all of the preparations and did not have to travel at all. What an incredible blessing!<br /><br />Our Christmas was low-key this year, but the season was full of family and love. I started the season feeling less than excited for Christmas for a few different reasons. The end of the semester is one of the busiest times for me, and for the first time in years, I worked until 5:00pm (really 5:30, but who's counting) on the 23rd. I love Christmas because of the message and the magic, but it really is different when there aren't children around. That's a lot of what had me down prior to the holiday. I'll just go ahead and say it - as much as I love and cherish my family and wouldn't trade them for the world - being single at Christmas just sucks.<br /><br />So....I made sure my season was f~u~l~l! haha From Thanksgiving weekend through Christmas day seems like a whirlwind. I've decided it would be much easier if I didn't work. Food for thought. Or wishful thinking. Take your pick.<br /><br /><br />Some of the pre-Christmas activities around here:<br /><br /><br /><ul><li>Attending the Dallas Symphony Orchestra with special guest Michael W. Smith - it was awesome. That's the only word that can be used. I went with my mom, cousin, and my mom's friend. We had dinner before the performance, and our seats were in the choir loft behind the orchestra so we were able to see everything. Simply breathtaking and a perfect way to start the season.</li><br /><br /><li>Sadie's Christmas program at school. This was the first year I have been able to attend, and I was so impressed. The great thing about going to a church school is the Christmas program is actually about Jesus - not Santa. Afterwards, the school had a 'reception' for the kids with cake and punch. I felt so blessed to be a part.<br /><br /></li></ul><br /><br /><ul><li><div align="left"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 134px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556242894887085138" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDkzFzCKSt8f_XLlbRfcpshgV9Gx4g7KybaiEsLMfehw4-M9OMB0g8JAjJacPWAg5BrwwMtScshFwkeN9MC-Wza5gpZ-XDhn5953Sb09ayHDwEwu2NSPcedyMZpf1VaPFvf_WDePIgZ80/s200/IMG_0004.JPG" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 134px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556242897228196850" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcSsSdwxYyueVrCNuqybEPmK-QOwOoj3onrehCUii8IY6R9RCLZFmTPgcY1DVtdKkArkctxIpyQS3vmnWN3gdi7LRgDuJrtqHiKBPTzIZWSSWtEZkHctNAKXipLCzzhYcFZ0ORRW-W9nE/s200/IMG_0011.JPG" /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-VQ09BW3ZzizC-_uldsAox6RmDz0nQ9RVOcLz5yAZGs1BW8aQR5yHPI3hJhIgbWBS0nIdBWBmyvlGkEKOpLHH7QuAd0LsUnc2Gft1F4CIpAl4vKQo3vZ2S08x6mzx3-XDU37TJoYZ9g/s1600/IMG_0026.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 134px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556245207797009266" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-VQ09BW3ZzizC-_uldsAox6RmDz0nQ9RVOcLz5yAZGs1BW8aQR5yHPI3hJhIgbWBS0nIdBWBmyvlGkEKOpLHH7QuAd0LsUnc2Gft1F4CIpAl4vKQo3vZ2S08x6mzx3-XDU37TJoYZ9g/s200/IMG_0026.JPG" /></a> <span style="font-size:78%;"><strong><em>At the reception after the performance - please note my mom's incredible ability to take candid pictures of me ;-)</em></strong><br /></span><br /><br /><li>Decorating the house with a little of my own flair. After decorating my own place for the past few years, it was fun to blend some of my personal style with my mom's while incorporating some of our traditions as well. I was pleased with the outcome, and already have a lot of ideas for next year!<br /></div></li><br /><br /><li>Pampered Chef party at our house. My mom and I booked a Pampered Chef party back in early fall for the first weekend of December. I had never hosted a party like that before, and it was so much fun! We did a make-and-take candy party - four stations of candies (chocolate dipped pretzel sticks, pecan turtles, pink ice (peppermint chocolate), and Oreo balls. Yummo. </li><br /><br /><li>End of the semester pot-luck at work. Man, did we have a lot of food. I was blown away with the cooking skills of some of my co-workers, and we enjoyed a great time of fellowship and food away from the hustle and bustle of the telephones and people coming in.<br /></li></ul><br /><br /><li>ICE Exhibit then dinner at the Gaylord Texan with the family. It was cool (pun intended). This year's theme was Charlie Brown Christmas, and the whole concept was fascinating to me. The entire exhibit was made of ice and was housed in a tent kept at 9 degrees! Thankfully we had friends go the day before us and warned us that although they hand out parkas, you still need something for your head and hands. I am not a fan of the cold, so I appreciated the warning. We had a great afternoon as a family - exploring the exhibit, sliding down the ice slide, admiring the decorations in the hotel, then enjoying dinner at one of the hotel's restaurants.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKselPuG1WWW-Pg8eOu4jFVQGCQh0G86sztK1xGgcfMbIsUGNTGGSutjpYa2QicFAnIJjDkTuXfIyhX98ZV9evGVRxwKZJ05_EcpHOI_6SO2RdFMU9DQbjFe-0FSTpvleWYqtt8ZQt1M/s1600/IMG_0147.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 200px; HEIGHT: 134px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556248413958609426" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKselPuG1WWW-Pg8eOu4jFVQGCQh0G86sztK1xGgcfMbIsUGNTGGSutjpYa2QicFAnIJjDkTuXfIyhX98ZV9evGVRxwKZJ05_EcpHOI_6SO2RdFMU9DQbjFe-0FSTpvleWYqtt8ZQt1M/s200/IMG_0147.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJXB1mNloReWg9lszok2G5z7XYAmInc47MJTQxHn6qZIVNV68EjLKMDA09CsXTsRsr2TlQjnlbAxueiRbLcTgrY6nwjMsZBWvian0PojWMsrIEH1BhSIeqExKoxMm1aDtnIKthS33s7V0/s1600/IMG_0140.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 134px; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556248414407290434" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJXB1mNloReWg9lszok2G5z7XYAmInc47MJTQxHn6qZIVNV68EjLKMDA09CsXTsRsr2TlQjnlbAxueiRbLcTgrY6nwjMsZBWvian0PojWMsrIEH1BhSIeqExKoxMm1aDtnIKthS33s7V0/s200/IMG_0140.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYIbRZh5uzR5wlx5JCBujASDHMkQgbgumOgyy1bZbNc_WYwbG2wmSRywcyBQ_ETgT_n44UGcpQJRBVncudEV0pej37L2YhYzy45vb6ODnknFLwD3DReNr0E-llTeWuTh_0p3mgwywB5Mw/s1600/IMG_0199.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 200px; HEIGHT: 134px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556248424159987314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYIbRZh5uzR5wlx5JCBujASDHMkQgbgumOgyy1bZbNc_WYwbG2wmSRywcyBQ_ETgT_n44UGcpQJRBVncudEV0pej37L2YhYzy45vb6ODnknFLwD3DReNr0E-llTeWuTh_0p3mgwywB5Mw/s200/IMG_0199.JPG" /></a><br /><p></p><br /><br /><ul><br /><li>Time with my Gran-Gran. My mom's mother - my only living grandparent - joined us for Christmas this year; we are truly blessed. She was here when I got home from work on the 23rd, and left on the 28th. We had a great time of fellowship, shopping, looking at Christmas lights, and playing games each evening. We spend Christmas eve at North Park mall looking at decorations and eating Chinese food, then went to church together.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Unexpected and fun visit with old friends. Ian called the week before Christmas to say that he was in town for a class, so I was able to spend an evening catching up with him and Jason - both college friends. It had been many years, and was like putting back a missing piece of a puzzle.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Annual pilgrimage to Neimans downtown to look at decorations. Mom and I try to go down there every year, and have yet to be disappointed. This year they partnered with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and the bigs and littles created the decorations. They also partnered with design students from the University of North Texas to design some of their trees. As I have no creative bone in my body, I was more than impressed with their creations. </li></ul><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnfgZYWS4e_KubM44aOnMyF19wUpEcossFFj9SYKx6yQw3kyd_uBe-jA_jZlY2cSJGBRFG4KtCi5qRLzd-Ix45MAEkw4Lz_JwjknC_umIxQnS6S-XDr9xW0SgL1gmOK8F5TzObRuptKvQ/s1600/IMG_3452.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556262750664131586" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnfgZYWS4e_KubM44aOnMyF19wUpEcossFFj9SYKx6yQw3kyd_uBe-jA_jZlY2cSJGBRFG4KtCi5qRLzd-Ix45MAEkw4Lz_JwjknC_umIxQnS6S-XDr9xW0SgL1gmOK8F5TzObRuptKvQ/s320/IMG_3452.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQOy6NmyjoOWrLI4W64XI6V16h-N738YU4rVHS5pgwDEcjCbAo7_HUIscpEVOx6DhlUNGo9J4hPA15GfnScxEAPlPEbTXhHXlJU4eMYvQ6VHMkQFaBCzhPsQgQYiL0f044M-ctqswtC28/s1600/IMG_3456.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556262745287482818" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQOy6NmyjoOWrLI4W64XI6V16h-N738YU4rVHS5pgwDEcjCbAo7_HUIscpEVOx6DhlUNGo9J4hPA15GfnScxEAPlPEbTXhHXlJU4eMYvQ6VHMkQFaBCzhPsQgQYiL0f044M-ctqswtC28/s320/IMG_3456.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3cj2djWi1xvm3C1d3casKt89B-k4SL4FFMrVsF0THQ-v-XMQtK1Z28x82N3hrFsqce_9Pzyj8PUNyzd7FAROPgDf80K6cDxK8GfdETIm_2SbDg0txfw7DoTABqoH9GyDI2zgQbLDs80s/s1600/IMG_3442.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556262736001657682" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3cj2djWi1xvm3C1d3casKt89B-k4SL4FFMrVsF0THQ-v-XMQtK1Z28x82N3hrFsqce_9Pzyj8PUNyzd7FAROPgDf80K6cDxK8GfdETIm_2SbDg0txfw7DoTABqoH9GyDI2zgQbLDs80s/s320/IMG_3442.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPHpszeWVwr6DFLUt0f5-IjwXDSieAyoWbaOwsJwgDgZ-1Byx5uQCCEqB_kqh4nVfPM6jOTOT9eEb2wP6Ye53bWKo-laJwBbnjlV-AEp4Qt5dY_hQDqU70rO7vv178WCsNdLP-_vzHrZw/s1600/IMG_3451.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556262732854753410" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPHpszeWVwr6DFLUt0f5-IjwXDSieAyoWbaOwsJwgDgZ-1Byx5uQCCEqB_kqh4nVfPM6jOTOT9eEb2wP6Ye53bWKo-laJwBbnjlV-AEp4Qt5dY_hQDqU70rO7vv178WCsNdLP-_vzHrZw/s320/IMG_3451.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div></div><br /><ul></ul>Through all of this, I was busy trying to make homemade gifts for some friends and family, as well as being incredibly busy at work. Right before we left we hired a new Learning Specialist who will start on Jan 3rd and have completed all the phone interviews for our new director. Things are progressing with the staffing of our center, and I am anxious to see the changes that take place in 2011.<br /><br /><p>I'm sure there is more, but I can't think of it right now. I can say without a doubt that I have never felt more blessed. My brother and I decided months ago that we did not want to do gifts as a family because the experiences we have had with our parents this year are priceless. I would not trade the past eight months for any gift in the world. Instead of filling our Christmas morning with loads of presents, our day was spent eating omelets (a tradition in our house), playing games, then going to the Cousin's for dinner with my Aunt & Uncle, and my Cousin and her family and gifts with the kids. </p><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRdPLVmJWw5tBsNNzPOL2CqlgwQ0e4cWL8xuVXVobmHIcmzso9F3nuGT3SyPBluIQE3o1ZTIo6nkTSBm6t-J6XfrkGmjd5lYQB9_Ii6orFAXOck0GobDpQvTqnqI2TMXe0ePur60uzQLM/s1600/IMG_3435.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556254738042100578" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRdPLVmJWw5tBsNNzPOL2CqlgwQ0e4cWL8xuVXVobmHIcmzso9F3nuGT3SyPBluIQE3o1ZTIo6nkTSBm6t-J6XfrkGmjd5lYQB9_Ii6orFAXOck0GobDpQvTqnqI2TMXe0ePur60uzQLM/s320/IMG_3435.JPG" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0LniDfLBgroDwk2y7-6DJa-CQ-VrjkhSdUrVx3tPa_esyVIIeoaVOVz3e259WxAuySnBhD6VCFIj0lpTk32eVHxaIH1MoIXiXTePuRFV6X95JYqWgYOzeYwDVh_2Ah0XjXBJ8M5e6LGc/s1600/IMG_3417.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556254717651948914" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0LniDfLBgroDwk2y7-6DJa-CQ-VrjkhSdUrVx3tPa_esyVIIeoaVOVz3e259WxAuySnBhD6VCFIj0lpTk32eVHxaIH1MoIXiXTePuRFV6X95JYqWgYOzeYwDVh_2Ah0XjXBJ8M5e6LGc/s320/IMG_3417.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMUyh_46bDWBREDPFa9QT5-HdGAEFStiSS-5eaUIfKl3HvrRGNnO4_0JuB4Rt44wl8tXVmDGkdLaEwes4LqvwSPLXbhnNCVLLfl9URQMYMoe9i_9kE0tsSHSETAaM4Dv7_vD9vI49rFI/s1600/IMG_3424.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556254724234504674" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMMUyh_46bDWBREDPFa9QT5-HdGAEFStiSS-5eaUIfKl3HvrRGNnO4_0JuB4Rt44wl8tXVmDGkdLaEwes4LqvwSPLXbhnNCVLLfl9URQMYMoe9i_9kE0tsSHSETAaM4Dv7_vD9vI49rFI/s320/IMG_3424.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho2U-kghyhpDlyO_8V10fNk7pPHIF4ch8jlTwBmzHil91vE2qCidgneNaX8OKghj6wvyZG185nIlEeCr4D2-x48CJY8WqexAueomor_Q8DXtW5PJ9cfPWJOnFJyVoNg-oMx5hnwR_jZKw/s1600/IMG_3433.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556254729756516514" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho2U-kghyhpDlyO_8V10fNk7pPHIF4ch8jlTwBmzHil91vE2qCidgneNaX8OKghj6wvyZG185nIlEeCr4D2-x48CJY8WqexAueomor_Q8DXtW5PJ9cfPWJOnFJyVoNg-oMx5hnwR_jZKw/s320/IMG_3433.JPG" /></a> <div>Opening & trying on the skirt and shirt I made her.<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNI1UPCR94Ev8a5xmOLt-wsBd6ggiqI_SkcFn31tA-4SNqQbyAegf7rXhmK0dT9wKujyW1QQYNtx9H4Xj5CD4pcPUrOEEe2h1fQ1KF1LoqdjqWXw81xoGlV4MvY_nC5KdbpVy4GuGkhFY/s1600/IMG_3410.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556254716835962930" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNI1UPCR94Ev8a5xmOLt-wsBd6ggiqI_SkcFn31tA-4SNqQbyAegf7rXhmK0dT9wKujyW1QQYNtx9H4Xj5CD4pcPUrOEEe2h1fQ1KF1LoqdjqWXw81xoGlV4MvY_nC5KdbpVy4GuGkhFY/s320/IMG_3410.JPG" /></a><strong><em><span style="font-size:60;"> <div></span><span style="font-size:78%;">Another example of my mom's candid photos of me - haha</span></em></strong><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span><br /><p>All and all, Christmas 2010 was wonderful. I love the constant reminder of the One who we celebrate. As cliche as it sounds, it is my prayer for myself and for each of you that you keep a little Christmas in your heart all year long.</p><br /><em></em></div></div></div></div><br /></li>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-28071356649341396172010-12-28T08:15:00.000-08:002010-12-28T10:35:32.299-08:00Arguing about GodI learned my lesson a long time ago about arguing WITH God....but arguing ABOUT God is such a different story. I told a friend today that I wasn't going to talk to them about God anymore. How Christian of me, right? Truth be told? I didn't feel bad for saying it - in fact, I felt rather relieved.<br /><br /><br />It seems I have a lot of friends struggling with life and relationships right now. It breaks my heart to see, and as a problem solver, I always want to step in and fix those problems. However, it is not my place to fix it all. This is something I am learning (sometimes better than other times). The hardest part is when it appears the problems/issues have been brought on by conscious decisions. It makes me sad and frustrated. The most frustrating part is blaming God.<br /><br />One of my best friends is from a background almost as different from mine as possible. At first, it was the differences that helped the friendship grow. Our first conversation, almost 8 1/2 years ago was about God. He was struggling with the end of a long relationship and through mutual friends was told that I had good insight and strong faith. (What a compliment at the time.) As our initial conversation took shape, it was clear to me that we had different views on God. The basics were the same - belief in the Bible, that Jesus was the Son of God, and salvation is through Christ. Everything else had different twists/spins on it. This was one of the first times in my sheltered life that I had experienced someone who did not believe in God that way that I do. <br /><br />Over the next eight and half years, a friendship grew. At times it was healthy and positively challenging, too frequently it was co-dependent and unhealthy. I learned a lot about myself during those years - but from the friendship and from the places that God had me during those times. There were a lot of days (...weeks...months....even years) that I pushed God away. I got tired of the frustration of the people around me and what I perceived as God not answering prayers, so after many (0<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">ne</span>-way) conversations with God about my frustrations and his lack of changing things, I just quit praying all together. Real mature on my part, right? <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">haha</span><br /><br />One of the best things I have ever done for myself was move back to Texas this May. I had known in my heart for a while that it was time to move, and despite my desires to explore the world and look to live elsewhere, I knew all along that the first step to getting back on track was to move 'home' (literally!). That meant, however, leaving behind my home of the past 7 years, good friends, amazing coworkers, a lifestyle befitting of my severe introversion, and the proximity of my best friend. It was hard. It has been hard. It has also been amazing. <br /><br />God brought me right where I needed to be (geographically) so that He and I can bring me where I need to be spiritually and emotionally. Am I there yet? Geographically, yes; Spiritually and Emotionally, not yet. That's okay; it's a process. I am loving the changes I am seeing in myself. I sleep so much better at night. I have less guilt. I love deeper. I appreciate small things more. I have less stress. And above all, I have a better understanding of God and my personal relationship with him. <br /><br />For the first time, I truly understand that God is and should be different for everyone. I am comfortable with that. We all pray differently, we can read the same passage of the Bible and get something different out of it, we can experience the same situation and come out with different understandings and meanings. God is amazing like that. <br /><br />Funny thing about all of this is, the more I become comfortable with God in this sense, and the more at peace I feel, the more I see those around me struggling. I'm sure it was there all along, but my selfishness had blinded me to it. Now, my eyes are opened a little more. <br /><br />So, back to this friend. He is again struggling with a difficult relationship. It is much easier, yet harder at the same time, to be experiencing this from 500 miles away. This has become one of the most frustrating experiences in a long time, and it is ongoing. First of all, it is hard to see a friend hurting. It is hard when you can not do anything to ease someone <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">else's</span> pain. It is hard when some of their pain comes at the hands of another person. What is really, really, really hard is the constant blaming of God. I can not handle that. I don't know how to answer someone who says "well, this is what God wants for my life, so this is how it is," or "God wants me to be miserable, so I am." I mean....where do people come up with this stuff? I think it stems from the "Genie in a bottle" Matthew 7:7 theory of God - whatever I ask for, I'll get. Like that's all there is to it. Imagine a world where that theory held up - I ask God for a million dollars, and I get it - because I asked. I asked God for a husband - and *poof* there he is - because I asked. I asked God for children - *poof* a house full. <br /><br />There is so much more to it then that. I have tried and tried and tried to explain my perception and what I think. I might as well beat my head against a wall. <br />The God I believe in wants me to seek HIM with my whole heart. I believe that my God wants me to prosper - but not in the material sense that I have so long wanted to believe. My God desires for me to know him fully and seek a greater understanding of Him - not for my days on earth, but so I can fellowship with him and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">inherit</span> all He has for me in eternity. I have <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">chosen</span> to read a little <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">further</span> from Matthew 7:7 - verse 21 says "Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." To me, it is pretty cut and dry. I guess you just have to be ready to listen and receive. <br /><br />What a frustrating last few weeks it has been. I have let this situation <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">creep</span> into some of my other insecurities. I do not for a minute doubt my faith, but I have doubted my ability to express my faith. I have doubted my level of friendship. When I said last night I would no longer talk to this person about God, I even doubted my devotion and level of commitment to God. I sat across the table from my mom at lunch the other day (P.F. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Changs</span> - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">yummo</span>) - and told her how frustrated I was because I felt like this one person was trying to steal my joy. How sad. I know that is not the entire truth - and I know this person is not being <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">malicious</span> in his words. He is merely struggling to find answers. Here's where I get to a part not everyone may agree with. I don't necessarily feel it is my place to 'teach' him these answers. Aside from my frustration, I feel strongly that women are not meant to teach men in matters of spirituality. That's not to say that I would never answer a question or point someone in a certain direction, but I don't feel that it is my place to teach him and be that support for him. I have time and again encouraged him to talk to a pastor or another man. I have even given suggestions as to who and even offered to make phone calls to set things up. Nope - he's having none of that. <br />I'm at my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">witt's</span> end. I don't know what else to do except continue to pray. I have decided that some people just want an easy answer and want God to be 'easy' for them. I don't know what else to do. <br /><br />At what point is it being selfish? At what point is it giving up? Is self-preservation a smart move? What about those you leave behind? I'm confused, frustrated, and done at this point.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-31463741014810899432010-12-01T06:37:00.000-08:002010-12-21T12:25:39.984-08:00December....wow<em><span style="font-size:85%;">Remember how I was going to post more? Yeah...see how that's turned out so far?!?!? I started this post about three weeks ago. I'm going to do better....really, I am.</span></em><br /><br /><br />Welcome to December, the month that I cry more than any other month. It doesn't take much to make me tear up on any other day really, but December....the whole month takes the cake.<br /><br />Let's start with Jesus (a naturally good place to start!). Of course I think of Jesus every other month, we're on a first name basis, and talk frequently. But in December....well, in December, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">lot's</span> of other people are thinking about him too. He's everywhere. (<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ok</span>...I know he's everywhere all the other days too, but you get the point). It brings a smile to my heart and I just want to shout from the rooftops how much I love Jesus!<br /><br />And another thing.....I have been overwhelmed this season with the commercial aspect of Christmas. I am not anti-Santa (yet) or anti-gift giving, but my heart has been burdened this year. I don't know if it is living back in Dallas (a very materialistic and shopping-centered city) or if it is my line of work, or God working on my heart, or all of the above and then some. Bottom line, I look one way and see greed and materialism and I look the other way and see devastating need despair. It is overwhelming and consumes my thoughts these days. <br /><br />I know a lot of people who are hurting this year. Not just around Christmas but with life in general. It is painful to watch. I am blessed that the Lord's protection is on me during this time. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am right where I am supposed to be. What I am trying to figure out is why I am in this position to witness all of the pain and hurting. I feel helpless. In this <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">season</span> of giving and loving, I feel like my love is not enough. It isn't. I wish I could will Jesus on those who are hurting, but I can't. I can't force anyone to turn to him or to believe in him. I can not require anyone to make Him the center of their life, the passion that drives everything they do. <br /><br />But I can do that for myself. And I can offer my prayers. And my shoulders. And my ears. And my checkbook. And my love. <br /><br />December...wow.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-26021177876477523652010-10-11T06:44:00.000-07:002010-11-16T13:52:51.764-08:00Time to get realI don't blog a lot. I always promise I will blog more, and I think of things to write all the time, but truth be told, I'm hesitant to write. When I first started this blog, no one read it, which was perfectly fine with me - it wasn't for them anyway. Then, as I went through my surgery and recovery process, more people started reading. That was great. It then became a place that I could update about my pending move and job change. Well, that's over. So now what?<br />I don't have an amazing story. I don't have any dramatic or traumatic life events. I have the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart. My daily struggles, my mini triumphs. I have a God I love, a great family, a job I think I'm good at, a long commute, and a dog. That's about it. The words I do have and often desire to write about, I hesitate with because I am not sure I am comfortable with everyone reading or knowing about. Just being honest. I had a twitter conversation with a friend not too long ago about how comfortable it is to share these thoughts and feelings with virtual strangers, but how weird it often feels to know that family and/or some friends might be reading. I think the bottom line is that I am a pretty private person. I think <em>constantly</em> (not exaggerating!) but I don't like to share those thoughts. There can repercussions when someone knows what you are thinking, and what you are feeling. I also do not always like to be asked about stuff. I might want to say something about feeling frustrated, or lonely, or excited, or nervous, but that's just want it is. A statement. Once you put it out there, people know about it, and then the follow up questions start. For some reason that makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I've even pretty much stopped sharing on <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Facebook</span>, and have considered blocking some people on my Twitter for these same reasons. Weird enough, what I have found is it is different over email or blog comments.<br />That being said, there are some things I am just going to get over. I want to blog, so dang it, I'm going to. I'll warn you now, some days it might not be pretty. Some days I might contradict myself. And most days it will not be interesting to you. Oh, well. It's my blog, and you have already been warned that I lead a pretty dull life.<br /><br /><br />So...why not start this off with a bang, huh? Below is an excerpt of an email I wrote to a friend a while back. I think it explains a lot about me. My friend/mentor Carol posted on her Facebook asking for stories of God's faithfullness. Like I said, I don't have any dramatic life stories - no terminal illnesses, no loss of a job, nothing like that at all, so at first I didn't think I had anything to contribute. BUT....God is faithful all the time - not just in the drama, and that thought stayed with me for a couple of weeks. One day over my lunch break (which I rarely take...) I sat down at the computer and just started typing. This is what came out (slightly edited because orginally there was a lot of rambling):<br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="color:#000099;"><em>My story of God’s faithfulness is not spectacular like some people’s. I have never had a horrific or tragic incident in my life. I grew up in an incredible Christian home with two parents who are as much in love now as they were when they married 37 years ago. We <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">weren</span>’t wealthy growing up, but we <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">weren</span>’t poor. I have always been loved and provided for. I am blessed. I came to know God at an early age, and have never once doubted his existence or love. As many people, I struggled through my teenage years to determine if my faith was indeed my own or if it was my parents'; come to find out, it was my own, with a little tweaking as I grew into my own person and set of beliefs. I have both a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree, and have always had a good job. On the surface I should have no complaints. However, I struggle. Daily I struggle with one thing many people take for granted. Despite my best efforts or best intentions, despite the words of many, I struggle. My constant battle each and every day is to be happy. It sounds so simple, but to me, it is a large ocean I navigate every minute of every day. Some days the ocean is calm and I become confident things will remain that way; other days the ocean is full of large, crashing waves and I fight to keep my head above the water. On the average days, the waves are not as large, but exhausting nonetheless.<br />When I think about my life, the things I imagine/imagined for myself, and the reality of where I have been and where I am, many things do not match up. I love people – I love to be around people, to help people, to encourage people, and to spend time with people. I have always desired to have close, significant relationships with others – great groups of friends; kindred spirits to walk through life with. I have always longed to be a part of a group. The reality of my life is nothing like this ideal. For many reasons, most of which I do not know or understand, I have always been on the outside. I have never been one of the ‘popular’ kids – at school or youth group, or even as I got older, but I always had friends in every group. However, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. In college, I know a lot of people. I was instrumental (or rather God was instrumental through me) in introducing many people who became lifelong friends themselves. I watched as friends I knew became part of a group with other friends I knew, but I always felt like I was on the outside. Maybe no one else saw it, but it contributed to my feelings of being lost and alone, and caused a lot of pain. Through my whole life I have trusted God. I have clung to his words and his promises – promises to never leave me or forsake, words spoken over me reminding me that he has a future for me, plans that he has made specifically for ME. I pray for that and cling to it every day – otherwise the waves will take over, I will lose my battle and sink into that huge ocean of depression and despair.<br />Now you know the ugly truth – the me that I don’t let people see. You see, I am very good at putting up appearances. I don’t ever want to be the trouble maker, the person who calls attention to myself, or the person who pulls attention away from someone who truly needs it. I know there are people all over the world hurting even more than me, so I push my hurts and pains away, ignoring them and trying not to expose them. I desire someone to rescue me from my pain – to throw me a lifeboat if you will, but I don’t want to take someone else’s place in the lifeboat, because they need it more than me.<br />I put on a good face when I am around others, and I say all the right things at church. But truth be told? Acting this way challenges faith more than I could ever have imagined. </em></span></div><div align="center"><span style="color:#000099;"><em>Since I am being honest here, I have thrown myself in to my work. With a lack of significant relationships, my job is the one place I can see tangible evidence that I have been productive and worthwhile. I sometimes work 60 hours a week so that I can feel like I have made an impact somewhere – but truth be told, I don’t even love my job. I want more than anything to be happy, and I fight for it every day. I have overwhelming desires and needs that I think are not being met. I desire and long for love and acceptance.I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will make a good wife and mother – my heart aches and longs for that opportunity, but I’m 31 years old and have't been on a date since high school. </em></span></div><div align="center"><span style="color:#000099;"><em>I know my story is not very touchy-<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">feely</span>, and it <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">doesn</span>’t have a warm and fuzzy ending – yet. I am still very much a work in progress. I tell you all of this because I know deep down that the truest testament of God’s faithfulness is living inside of me. I can feel it every day. He has NEVER left me, and I have never felt completely alone – even in my darkest hours (and there have been many), I could feel his presence in my life. When I have put myself in destructive situations, he has saved me. When I put myself in harm’s way, he has reached down and orchestrated my safety. He has a future planned for me, and a destiny far greater than this world could ever promise. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know who my God is and what he can do. I don’t know what his plans for me are, but I know that he has them – I have seen the evidence in my life. In the midst of the drowning waves of the ocean, I know He is with me. </em></span></div><div align="center"><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em> </div><div align="left"><span style="color:#000000;">So, yeah, there it is. That's me. Those are my thoughts. And some of my actions. </span></div>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-2627439062955723322010-10-07T12:09:00.000-07:002010-10-07T17:32:19.718-07:00Light Bulbs, Ah-has, and/or FireworksI've been reading a lot lately, and I've been thinking a lot lately. You have a lot of time to think when you average two hours in the car a day. I usually listen to sports radio, and lately they have been playing an "I Am Second" commercial featuring clips of Josh Hamilton's video. It is powerful. You can watch it <a href="http://iamsecond.com/#/seconds/Josh_Hamilton/">here</a> - I'm warning you, it's powerful. The word that really stands out during the commercial is "Surrender". I've literally heard it three or four times a day for the past month or two. Funny how it sometimes takes you a while to hear something, ya know? But this word...it wouldn't leave me alone. I'd be thinking about something totally different or working on something, and that word would pop into my head.<br />In most cases, it doesn't take me long to figure something out. I typically look at an issue/problem/challenge, and the solution just hits me. Or so it seems. This time, the word had to work its way into my brain before I fully figured it out. It took me going to the website and watching the whole video. In it, he says:<br /><br />"You can do with me what you want to do with me, but I Surrender......"<br /><br />WOW. Light bulb moment. Ah-ha moment. Fireworks going off. What ever you want to call it. For the first time, this Southern-Baptist-raised-church-every-Sunday-and-Wednesday-camp-every-summer girl realized what it truly means to surrender.<br />And it just keeps coming....<br />The next night as I was falling asleep, I was in that stage where I was more asleep than awake, but still had conscious thoughts, and something else hits me...at that moment, if someone were to ask me what I desired more than anything in this world, or what my deepest passion is, the answer I would have to give them is "to be a wife and mother".<br />Whoops. Light bulbs, fireworks, ah-ha - here we go again. (Needless to say, I didn't fall right to sleep at this point!)<br /><br />Somewhere along the way, I got it all confused. I convinced myself or decided that surrendering meant I "gave my life to Christ" as in, I'm not going to hell when I die. And that if I loved him and said I loved him, it was okay to have other passions and other desires. The thing is, I know better than this. I've always known better than this, it just wasn't 'clicking' with me. So, it's back to square one - although, it's not really square one. I've got a lot more perspective and experience backing me up.<br /><br />Surrender. Fully Surrender. Do what ever you want with my life, Lord. I fully surrender. I surrender my desires. I surrender my wants. If you desire for me to be single, I will serve you. I surrender. If your desire is not for me to have children. I surrender. If your desire is for me to have the job I have. I surrender. I fully surrender.<br /><br />For the past few days, I have repeated some songs over and over in my heart -<br /><br />Clay <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Crosse's</span> "I Surrender All":<br />I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land<br />Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command<br />But these castles I've constructed by<br />the strength of my own hand<br />Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand<br />In the middle of the battle I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">believe</span> I've finally found<br />I'll never know the thrill of victory<br />'til I'm willing to lay down<br />All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war<br />So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours<br />Chorus:<br /><strong>I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams<br />Though the price to follow costs me everything</strong><br /><strong>I surrender all my human soul desires<br />If <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">sacrifice</span> requires<br />That all my kingdoms fall<br />I surrender all<br /></strong>If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain<br />If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain<br />If the focus of my vision is the status I attain<br />My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain<br />So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown<br />And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay<br />down<br />I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace<br />I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise<br />Bridge:<br />Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known<br />Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own<br />Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">sacrificial</span> fire<br />If all I have is all that You desire<br />I surrender all<br /><br /><em>Judson W. Van <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">DeVenter's</span> hymn "I Surrender All": (How many Sundays have I sung this song in my life without every fully 'knowing' and owning the words?)<br /></em>All to Jesus I surrender;<br />All to Him I freely give;<br />I will ever love and trust Him,<br />In His presence daily live.<br />Refrain:<br />I surrender all,<br />I surrender all;<br />All to Thee, my blessed Savior,<br />I surrender all.<br />All to Jesus I surrender;<br />Humbly at His feet I bow,<br />Worldly pleasures all forsaken;<br />Take me, Jesus, take me now.<br />All to Jesus I surrender;<br />Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;<br />Let me feel the Holy Spirit,<br />Truly know that Thou art mine.<br />All to Jesus I surrender;<br />Lord, I give myself to Thee;<br />Fill me with Thy love and power;<br />Let Thy blessing fall on me.<br />All to Jesus I surrender;<br />Now I feel the sacred flame.<br />Oh, the joy of full salvation!<br />Glory, glory, to His Name!<br /><br /><br />So much more I want to share, but I am very overwhelmed. I want to share about some of the things I have been reading, because I am so amazed at how I am being fed by nontraditional methods. However, I want to take a minute to thank someone, because she said the right thing at the right time. I have been frustrated and discontent for a while, and those feelings were growing stronger every day. To the point where I have been thinking about making huge life changes - although I just made some HUGE life changes! I posted on twitter one day (Sept 20 to be exact) "I'm in a funk. It has lasted three months. Need solutions. Need inspiration. Have motivation. Need direction." Megan replies to me - "Are you doing church? Getting fed?". She might as well have hit me between the eyes with a 2x4...! So, thanks Megan - I owe you one...BIG Time. <br /><br />It's getting late and I need to leave the office, so I'll wrap this up with the promise of more soon (I finally have wireless <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">internet</span> at home, so I'm on the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">computer</span> more - finally!). <br /><br />Until then...the goal - To Love the Lord, MY God, with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind! (Luke 10:27)Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1246382389575923586.post-5332123502219047662010-08-01T17:15:00.000-07:002010-08-01T17:41:57.887-07:00Growing up is hard to doLast weekend I went to Kansas City for a quick visit with my friends, and to help finalize everything with the house since the lease was up at the end of July. It was a very bittersweet trip.<br />To break up the trip on the way up, I decided to stop by Stillwater and Lawrence to take pictures of the campus so I could decorate my new office with campus photos. It as a great road trip, and I enjoyed the much needed alone time in the car. After I left Lawrence, I headed up to Smithville to have dinner and some lake time with Liz and Aaron. Tons of fun and good conversation. Saturday was spent doing things around the house and catching up with my best friend, then Sunday night I had a much needed dinner with Sari before she and her family move to Chicago. Then Sunday night was a great surprise dessert with Byron! He was in town from STL, and it was SO good to catch up with him. Monday I had set aside time to visit with everyone at the office, starting with an early breakfast with Cathy. After our almost 2.5 hour breakfast, I was able to quickly catch up with everyone in the office. As I was leaving, my heart ached because I realized how much I miss them all. I work with some pretty great people at UTA, but none of them are the friends I have left behind. The rest of Monday was equally hard, saying goodbye for the last time to the house I loved, saying goodbye to my best friend were excruciating. I cried pretty much the whole way home. And was weepy most of the week too. Growing up and moving on is hard, but I just keep reminding myself why I made this change. I know that I am here for a reason, I just have to keep my eyes on my goals. That's not going to change the fact that I deeply miss all of my friends, but who know what the future holds in Texas!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01706997252291037670noreply@blogger.com0