Our pastor described David the other day as seeming schizophrenic - especially as you read through the Psalms. In one chapter he will be praising God and saying how he has never felt closer to him, then simply turn the page and he is lamenting and asking God where he has gone, why he is hiding himself from David. When Matt first said that, I could not stop laughing...but lately, I have realized that is me - 100%.
I am at a place right now where I have never understood God more or felt closer to Him. My prayers are deeper, less selfish, I am learning to actually listen - to be still in my prayers. It is freeing and refreshing and wonderful. Then in the next breath, the tide wave of depression knocks me over, and I start to feel like I am drowning again. In those moments (or days), I ask God repeatedly where he is and why I can't feel him. I feel forgotten, lost, and overwhelmingly lonely. Then I start to feel guilty...who am I to question where God is or what work He is going? I "know" the promises he has written for me. I "know" the love he has spoken over me. He knew me before the world began...He knew what I would look like, what I would act like, what my personality would be, what my downfalls are, and what my stumbling blocks would be. Yet He created me anyway, and loves me anyway. When I see God blatantly working in the lives of those around me, it doesn't mean that he isn't working in my life. Just because I can't see it right now, doesn't mean it is not happening.
The depression hurts...but not physically. Not even emotionally, all the time. It hurts constantly spiritually. I feel like if I prayed more, read my bible more, studied more, loved God more, just believed more - then I wouldn't be depressed. Then I would be happy. Then I could sleep through the night. Then I wouldn't cry at random times throughout the day. Then I wouldn't be as frustrated or irritable or annoyed. Then I would be happy - all the time. Because like David, there are days and moments that I am right there - so close, so happy, so full of joy and love and life. But those days don't last forever. That is what I am seeking - for the joy and love and life to last through each day. Stupid depression....I'll keep fighting you. But I'm no longer going to fight with tears or frustration...I'm going to stay on my knees and let my God handle you! He has given me a tender heart, the ability to feel so many emotions at one time, the ability to see every side of an issue/situation/argument, the ability to love unconditionally even those who have hurt me severely. He has given me all of that....he can fight the depression. And I will return to loving and living a life full of joy. Even if I do not reach the destination that I have in mind for me, the journey will be blessed and beautiful.