Light Bulbs, Ah-has, and/or Fireworks

I've been reading a lot lately, and I've been thinking a lot lately. You have a lot of time to think when you average two hours in the car a day. I usually listen to sports radio, and lately they have been playing an "I Am Second" commercial featuring clips of Josh Hamilton's video. It is powerful. You can watch it here - I'm warning you, it's powerful. The word that really stands out during the commercial is "Surrender". I've literally heard it three or four times a day for the past month or two. Funny how it sometimes takes you a while to hear something, ya know? But this word...it wouldn't leave me alone. I'd be thinking about something totally different or working on something, and that word would pop into my head.
In most cases, it doesn't take me long to figure something out. I typically look at an issue/problem/challenge, and the solution just hits me. Or so it seems. This time, the word had to work its way into my brain before I fully figured it out. It took me going to the website and watching the whole video. In it, he says:

"You can do with me what you want to do with me, but I Surrender......"

WOW. Light bulb moment. Ah-ha moment. Fireworks going off. What ever you want to call it. For the first time, this Southern-Baptist-raised-church-every-Sunday-and-Wednesday-camp-every-summer girl realized what it truly means to surrender.
And it just keeps coming....
The next night as I was falling asleep, I was in that stage where I was more asleep than awake, but still had conscious thoughts, and something else hits me...at that moment, if someone were to ask me what I desired more than anything in this world, or what my deepest passion is, the answer I would have to give them is "to be a wife and mother".
Whoops. Light bulbs, fireworks, ah-ha - here we go again. (Needless to say, I didn't fall right to sleep at this point!)

Somewhere along the way, I got it all confused. I convinced myself or decided that surrendering meant I "gave my life to Christ" as in, I'm not going to hell when I die. And that if I loved him and said I loved him, it was okay to have other passions and other desires. The thing is, I know better than this. I've always known better than this, it just wasn't 'clicking' with me. So, it's back to square one - although, it's not really square one. I've got a lot more perspective and experience backing me up.

Surrender. Fully Surrender. Do what ever you want with my life, Lord. I fully surrender. I surrender my desires. I surrender my wants. If you desire for me to be single, I will serve you. I surrender. If your desire is not for me to have children. I surrender. If your desire is for me to have the job I have. I surrender. I fully surrender.

For the past few days, I have repeated some songs over and over in my heart -

Clay Crosse's "I Surrender All":
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by
the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory
'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours
Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all
If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay
down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

Judson W. Van DeVenter's hymn "I Surrender All": (How many Sundays have I sung this song in my life without every fully 'knowing' and owning the words?)
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!


So much more I want to share, but I am very overwhelmed. I want to share about some of the things I have been reading, because I am so amazed at how I am being fed by nontraditional methods. However, I want to take a minute to thank someone, because she said the right thing at the right time. I have been frustrated and discontent for a while, and those feelings were growing stronger every day. To the point where I have been thinking about making huge life changes - although I just made some HUGE life changes! I posted on twitter one day (Sept 20 to be exact) "I'm in a funk. It has lasted three months. Need solutions. Need inspiration. Have motivation. Need direction." Megan replies to me - "Are you doing church? Getting fed?". She might as well have hit me between the eyes with a 2x4...! So, thanks Megan - I owe you one...BIG Time.

It's getting late and I need to leave the office, so I'll wrap this up with the promise of more soon (I finally have wireless internet at home, so I'm on the computer more - finally!).

Until then...the goal - To Love the Lord, MY God, with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind! (Luke 10:27)