Honesty and Vulnerability

I do not blog as often as I want to because I tend to be cautious regarding the things I blog about. I want to be honest and transparent about my everyday feelings, but I do not like the thought of having to be overly cautious about the words I choose to say. I'm going to take a stab at it today, minus the caution.
The holidays are approaching (too fast if you ask me - wasn't it just New Year's???). Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my absolute favorite holidays. Is there a better way to end a busy year? Spending time with friends and family celebrating the things we have to be thankful for? ~ Not to mention good food and football! ~ and then topping all that off a few weeks later with the celebration of the birth of Jesus and a reminder of love and new beginnings. Like I said, I used to love the holidays, I still enjoy them, just not the same way. Living so far away from my family, I look forward to the time each year when I can get away and spend some quality time at home with my parents and brothers, cousins, aunts, and uncles. The hard part about the holidays? Another year without someone special to celebrate with. I know a lot of people struggle with loneliness during the holiday season, particularly those who have lost loved ones. My cousins and I like to talk about our favorite memories of Christmases past with our grandmother and grandaddy, and I love to hear my mom and dad talk about their favorite memories as well. This to me helps bring those loved ones into the celebration in a way that we are able to honor the legacy they have left in us. I love family and everything that family entails. I love to spend time with my family, laughing, reminiscing, dreaming planning, and sharing the special bond and closeness that is only shared with family. The loneliness comes in because I am past the point where I want my own family to start traditions with. To dream with, plan with, celebrate with. I'm ready to get my life started, yet I constantly feel like I am at a stand still.

• Wait until I graduate from college. Check.
• Wait until I get my Master's degree. Check.
• Wait until I get a 'real' job. Check.
• Wait until I get my mind right. Check.
• Wait until....... I feel like its always "Wait until".

I love my family; I have amazing parents, a wonderfully supportive brother; cousins I would consider close as sisters, aunts I admire and love talking to, and uncles that are genuinely interested in what is going on in my life. I even have a baby cousins who I love and adore like nieces and nephews. The longings of my heart are not meant to take away from any of that - not in the least. My heart longs to add to that. I long to have a family of my own, a husband and children. I would love to have a beautiful home to decorate for the holidays like my mom always does. I am not even sure if I will decorate for Christmas this year. I don't feel a lot of joy for the holiday at this point. Add that to the economy and I can't even make a Christmas list. Me, the queen of lists! I've sat down to write it out three or four times and don't have a clue what to get anyone!
I'm all over the place mentally - I'll write more tomorrow. Thankfully, I'm off to Texas on Tuesday morning to spend time with my beautiful family.