He Spoke....I (finally) listened & obeyed

I should be sleeping; this month is nothing less than insane, and my alarm will go off in less than five hours to start yet another busy day. So, I should be sleeping, but I have a story to tell. I wanted to tell it two months ago when it started, but the timing wasn't right. I wanted to lay it all out two weeks ago, but things kept getting in the way. Earlier today would have been good, but I didn't do it. I planned to put it off for a few more days. But...God! :-)  I am finding the more I obey, the more I am blessed, yet more is required as well. Rest will not come until I least start to tell the story he is beautifully writing in my life.

The problem is...I'm not sure where to start. Pardon me if I jump in somewhere in the middle and muddle some of this. If you've read any of my writing, this will not be unusual for you. If you're new here...welcome, and I apologize in advance for my writing!

Note: If you want the short version, or the 'news' just skip to the end. To get the bigger picture, continue:

To say I stumbled into a career in Higher Education would be putting it mildly.  As I remember it (keep in mind this was more than a couple of years ago - ha!), I didn't want to leave college and get a 'real job' after undergrad. The thought scared and paralyzed me. I had visions of Sports Administration or Sports Counseling graduate program but didn't know the first thing about finding a program.  (Mind you...the Internet was around...but not nearly to the extent it is now.)  At the same time, I was just getting established in an amazing group of God-pursuing friends, was helping out a lot with Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and overall was in a good place personally & spiritually. So....I took the easy route. I stayed where I was, found a degree that I could kinda sorta maybe mold into what I wanted it to be, and took out a plethora of student loans to pursue a graduate degree.  Two years later, I was the proud recipient of a Master of Science in Counseling & Student Personnel in Higher Education. Huh? Exactly.  A month later, I landed my first 'real job' at the University of Kansas and my career progressed from there.

There were signs of discontent and a roller coaster of passion all along the journey spanning four really great jobs and over ten years. There were stretches of days, or even months, when I loved what I was doing, but something was always missing. In Higher Ed, we are always encouraged to publish and present what we are working on. I never had that desire. That is just one example.  It is also imperative in Higher Ed that you network across campus and in the community. There were times were I was great at that, but more often than not, I would prefer to work with those around me and stay within my department.  Not to brag, but I feel I have always been good at my jobs; I just did not consistently have the passion and drive to reach the next level.  Knowing what I know now, it all makes sense. 

In the back of my mind I have always felt like I was in the wrong career field, but I never knew what I 'should' be doing, or what I wanted to do that I would be good at (and could make a living doing).  Let's be honest, reading books, lounging by the pool, and trying different recipes off of Pinterest aren't exactly gonna pay the bills ha! When I moved back to Texas three years ago, I was contemplating a career change, but stayed the course - and honestly, because a job basically fell in my lap. I even turned it down and still ended up with it.  God has a sense of humor, ya know!  (Side note: Looking back now, yes, I can see many reasons He put me in this position, but one of the biggest things I have learned is that sometimes God moves you so he can change someone else's life. As Matt Chandler lovingly reminds us oh so often...It's not all about me!)

The past two years have been hard, professionally. It used to be that work was easy and interpersonal relationships were difficult; two years ago that flip-flopped.  Work suddenly got hard - and not in a task or project kind of way. In a passion kind of way. I just didn't have it anymore. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE my students and enjoy the work I do, but again...something was missing. 

In early Fall 2012, I remember sitting in my Home Group and mentioning more than once that I wanted and needed a change, but didn't know what I would do. I explored Human Resources, and other education positions, but none of them felt right.  I even had an interview for an incredible job at a private college in the area, but knew as soon as I walked out of the interview my heart wasn't in it. In January of this year, I sat with the same group of girls and told them that I knew God would provide for me, and I felt like he was telling me to step out on faith and fully rely on Him for the next step.  Um...hello, do you know me?!? Type "A", Plan every minute of my day week life me? Yeah...that wasn't so easy. In fact, I at the time I told them this, I hadn't even put all that together in my mind yet, much less verbalized it to anyone. They heard it for the first time at the same moment I did...yet it all made sense. But it wasn't easy.  I avoided God for a few days after that - I mean, what else was He gonna ask me to do?? So, in all logic, avoiding Him was the answer. Or not.  For days after that I would make the hour drive into my 'real job' each morning and dream about how I could quit that job and find a job I loved.  Then....
....it finally happened.

...I listened and I (finally) obeyed. And aside from about 2 minutes of panic, I have not felt scared, nervous, anxious, or worried. 

So, on February 21, 2013, I turned in my intent to resign from my career.  After discussion and negotiation, it was decided my last day would be May 3rd.  (aka a week and a half from now!)

The day I resigned I had absolutely no clue what I would do starting May 4th.  God did, but I didn't. And you know what? That was perfectly okay with me. I can  truly say I trusted him to provide for ALL of my needs in a way I never have before.

You know what I've learned from trusting God like that? Two main things - (1) He will bless you - it may not be the way you want, but He is faithful, and (2) when you trust him and He blesses you, He requires more of you as well.  I can't wait to tell you more about both! But...I'm sure you're wondering what I will be doing with myself after May 3rd....well....I will be working in the golf business. Took me long enough to figure it out, huh?!?  What exactly that will look like at first is not set in stone, but eventually I hope to be doing programming and teaching lessons. 

God is GOOD, friends. That is not simply a comforting phrase or cliche...that is the TRUTH. Rest in it.  I'll update more soon on the next steps and some really cool ways I have seen God through this process.

52 & 7 (and Happy New Year)

For the past couple of years, I have spent the later half of December re-evaluating the previous year and setting my personal goals for the following year.  The goals are always well thought out, and pertain to long term dreams/goals, but to be realistic, they are often focused on where my life is in that particular moment. 
For some reason, I did not do that toward the end of 2012.  I blamed some of it on my year feeling like a failure (notice I said feeling).  I didn't really reach any of my goals for 2102, and to be honest, when I look at the surface, it seems like my life has actually digressed instead of progressed.  And that in and of itself was depressing enough to make me not want to look any further, and discouraged me from setting any new goals. 
Then came Jon Acuff.  If you don't know (of) him, you should get to know (of) him!  He is an author and blogger, and the master behind "Stuff Christians Like" (http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/), and one of my favorite books Quitter (http://www.quitterbook.com/).  In any given day, this man and his writing make me laugh so hard I (often) choke on whatever I'm drinking - and inspire me to be better and do better.  So, naturally, something he wrote this week set the tone for my next 52 days - and hopefully all of 2013!  You can read his post here - but the premise is that you take seven core areas of your life, and set goals for them for the next 52 days.  52 days is so much more doable than 365 - at least in my mind! And its makes so much sense - because as he says

"In January, you have no idea what July holds or what September will be like or what

 storm will rock your shores in November. But you press on, and make

your biggest decisions when you have the least information at the start of the year."

 

 

 I can do this! And I'm excited about it! So my first 52&7 (which goes Jan 1 - Feb 21) looks like this:

 

Financial:

Bring lunch to work 4 out of 5 days

No new clothes/accessories

No new golf equipment (this will be the hardest, trust me!)

 

Physical

30 min of physical activity 4x week (not including golf)

Yoga at least once a week

 

Social

Send 1 encouraging note/card a week

Return friend's phone calls within 24 hours

"Be present" - wherever I am, whomever I am with, be in that moment and not playing on my phone, etc.

 

Mental

Limit TV to 1 show a night

Write more

 

Career

Complete Level 2 of HH PRO Certification

Respond to all work related emails within 24 hours

 

Family

Spend one day each with Sadie & Andrew

"Be present"

 

Spiritual

Complete daily readings of "Jesus Calling"

Follow along with my church on the Season of Prayer readings

Complete personal study of Isaiah

 

The great thing about setting goals 52 days at a time? They're not as lofty and feel much more realistic.  I read a lot every day, and come across numerous great ideas - but I don't follow through on them.  I read this one as soon as I got to work yesterday, and it was so fitting, because you see, as I was driving to work yesterday, I was thinking and praying about the year ahead and how I am jealous that others have said they had a word or scripture for 2012 and were able to see God move in that particular way for them that year.  As I was driving, the words INTENTIONAL DISCIPLINE came to me.  If you know me, the intentional part is par for the course; the discipline thing....scares me crazy! So Intentional Discipline it is for 2013.  The scripture part, I'm still working on.  I'm excited to see what God does in the next 52 days and throughout 2013, and I'm excited (ok, and a little apprehensive) to see what Intentional Discipline brings. 

 



Finding the thankful

I almost wrote yesterday, and the day before that, and the week before that, and some weeks before that, too. I didn't. Want the excuses? No? Good; me, either.

I had to video myself giving a presentation this week. Talk about a humbling experience. I talk all day long, and present tons - but this was a different ballgame. There were stakes involved, I know the person who will be evaluating it, and I am in a season of being attacked for my inadequacy.  Complicated, much? Ha! The good news - I got the video done and submitted it before I recorded it again; the bad news - it took me 14 takes.  FOURTEEN. Um...Perfectionist meet Becca. Wowzers.

I admit, I love social media. I have had the chance to reconnect with some great friends that I would have otherwise lost touch with. I have also been able to stay connected to some people I may have never stayed connected to. But social media beats me up. Every day. Some days it is just a little shove into a wall, evoking nothing more than an internal wince. Other days it is a full blown shove me down the stairs, kick me in the ribs event of such proportions that I fully expect to feel the soreness and see physical bruises on my body the next morning. Such is the cycle of a perfectionist. Beth Moore makes an excellent point in "So Long Insecurity" - she says that insecurity wears an extravagant mask of perfectionism.  No truer sentence has ever been written about me. (Well, ok, except for everything in the Bible, but you get my point.)

A woman I greatly admire is Angie Smith - such an incredible writer and beautiful soul. If I ever get the chance to meet her, I am going to give her the biggest hug and thank you ever (and hopefully not creep her out!).  All of her writing touches my heart - I have been following her blog for a while now.  Yesterday, she posted an article on (in)Courage titled "The New Pretty".  In it she talks about the pictures we create of our lives on social media - and the effects it has on others. I'll admit - there have been many times I went to post a picture or update or share a link to an article, and didn't because I didn't think it was exciting enough, funny enough, pretty enough, etc. As if there are not enough battles to fight in this lifetime, you know being born into sin and all - now I have piled on the extra layer of comparing myself to the world through social media. (In addition to the other eleventy thousand places I compare myself to other people every other minute of my life!)

I put on a few pounds in the past three months - nine to be exact. It is humbling. And upsetting. My prayers have started to turn selfish in the past few weeks/months. It is humbling. And upsetting.  Work is hard. My heart longs for things that God has not (yet?) brought to my life. My goals and dreams sometimes feel so far away. Friendships take work. Family dynamics take work. God is gently reminding me that it's not about me or my own plans.

So today I write.  I want November to be very intentional - in my prayers, in my spending, in my relationships, in my health, and in my pursuit of my goals. All this happens to coincide with the month many Americans set aside to meditate on what they are thankful for.

Today I write - to find the thankful. Today I am thankful. I am thankful for a God who can heal the wounds that no one else can see. Who picks me up when I feel like I have been battered by my own comparison, and gently whispers in my ear "You are EXACTLY who I want you to be and where I want you to be, and it is impossible for me to love you more." 

A change three years in the making

What a difference three years can make! Yes, I am fully aware that the saying is 'what a difference a day makes' - but I have seen this on a MUCH larger scale. Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of my RNY Gastric-Bypass surgery (known commonly as 'weight loss surgery'). I am overwhelmed and incredibly grateful when I think about the past three years, and the changes that have occurred in my life. God has done amazing things, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that He used the surgery and aftermath to transform my life.

I want to recount all of the amazing things that have happened over the past three years, and I'm kicking myself for not keeping a good account of them.  SO...I am going to start over....kind of. I am going to spend some time recapping some major milestones/events, and then I'll go back and provide as many details as I can remember on some of them. But, I am going to do that while adding in accounts of what I am doing and experiencing now. It is so easy in this time of my life to think that nothing is happening or that what is happening is not of significance, but that is not the case. I am learning to see each day as significant, and each situation as important and life altering. 

So the easiest way to tell a story is by pictures, right? Well, the captions speak for themselves, but here is a pictorial transformation three years in the making. 



Easter 2009 (1 month before surgery)

Mother's Day 2012 (three years after surgery)

Some highlights of the transformation:

- 100 pounds lost (still 20-25 more to go....but its a slow process!)

- Moved from Kansas City to Dallas

- Found a church that I LOVE

- Found an amazing Home Group of girls I love dearly

- Cut ties with some heavy strong influences in my life

- Learned to forgive myself and move on

- Rediscovered my absolute love for golf (which probably borders on an addiction)

- Set goals for myself that I failed miserably because God had bigger/better plans....and I loved every minute of it

- Traveled to some fun places (Chicago/Indiana, Boston, New York City, Jacksonville, San Diego) - and have a cruise planned for July

- Learned what people mean when they say 'find out who you really are' (I thought that was some new-agey crap people made up!)

- LIVED! and Loved every minute of it

What the pictures don't tell you or show you, is the complete transformation on the inside as well.  It will take numerous blog posts to explain all of that, and it hasn't been all that easy. I have learned that I am stubborn.  Ok, ok, I knew that all along, but what I really learned is that I am stubborn with God.  I have heard his voice so clearly in the past year and a half, yet still wrestled with Him and what He has told me at times.  But overall.....overall, I would say the beginning of this journey, Mother's Day 2008 started a complete transformation that I am forever grateful and forever overwhelmed by. God has been so good to me - even when I want to whine and complain that He hasn't given me what I want - in the grand scheme of all of, He has been amazing!
I can't wait to share more of the journey....

The Journey

Our pastor described David the other day as seeming schizophrenic - especially as you read through the Psalms. In one chapter he will be praising God and saying how he has never felt closer to him, then simply turn the page and he is lamenting and asking God where he has gone, why he is hiding himself from David. When Matt first said that, I could not stop laughing...but lately, I have realized that is me - 100%.
I am at a place right now where I have never understood God more or felt closer to Him. My prayers are deeper, less selfish, I am learning to actually listen - to be still in my prayers. It is freeing and refreshing and wonderful. Then in the next breath, the tide wave of depression knocks me over, and I start to feel like I am drowning again. In those moments (or days), I ask God repeatedly where he is and why I can't feel him. I feel forgotten, lost, and overwhelmingly lonely. Then I start to feel guilty...who am I to question where God is or what work He is going? I "know" the promises he has written for me. I "know" the love he has spoken over me. He knew me before the world began...He knew what I would look like, what I would act like, what my personality would be, what my downfalls are, and what my stumbling blocks would be. Yet He created me anyway, and loves me anyway. When I see God blatantly working in the lives of those around me, it doesn't mean that he isn't working in my life. Just because I can't see it right now, doesn't mean it is not happening.
The depression hurts...but not physically. Not even emotionally, all the time. It hurts constantly spiritually. I feel like if I prayed more, read my bible more, studied more, loved God more, just believed more - then I wouldn't be depressed. Then I would be happy. Then I could sleep through the night. Then I wouldn't cry at random times throughout the day. Then I wouldn't be as frustrated or irritable or annoyed. Then I would be happy - all the time. Because like David, there are days and moments that I am right there - so close, so happy, so full of joy and love and life. But those days don't last forever. That is what I am seeking - for the joy and love and life to last through each day. Stupid depression....I'll keep fighting you. But I'm no longer going to fight with tears or frustration...I'm going to stay on my knees and let my God handle you! He has given me a tender heart, the ability to feel so many emotions at one time, the ability to see every side of an issue/situation/argument, the ability to love unconditionally even those who have hurt me severely. He has given me all of that....he can fight the depression. And I will return to loving and living a life full of joy. Even if I do not reach the destination that I have in mind for me, the journey will be blessed and beautiful.

Stuck

I feel like my life is stuck right now. No real direction, nothing to look forward to, nothing on the horizon. I feel stuck. Nothing is really wrong, nothing is bad, I just don't know where I am going next. I have friends and people all around me that are having babies, getting married, going on mission trips, starting new jobs, getting divorced, dating someone new, etc. I'm not doing any of that. I'm just stuck. I am getting a promotion, but it is not really a new job; it's a minimal shift in responsibilities and a change in title, but it's a job I've essentially been doing for over a year.
I have ended or am slowly ending friendships that are not positive for me. I have started to develop some new friendships. I know that right now I am in the place I am supposed to be, but I don't know what is coming next, or even what to expect. It is frustrating because looking around me, it seems like everyone else is progressing and I'm standing still.

Listening, learning, letting go

I spent the past two months in a place much different that I thought I would at the beginning of the year. Between endless headaches/migraines, a handful of doctors appointments, way to many hours of working, and my favorite sports time of the year, the months of March & April flew by without any blogging. Nevertheless, the past sixty-plus days have been spent doing a lot of listening, a lot of learning, and a lot of attempts at letting go. So much to say, so many thoughts going through my mind. Simply put, I am at peace and I am happy. I say it so often it sounds cliche or insincere, but I am blessed. Beyond belief.

I think a lot about what I want to be.

I want to be a writer. Writing beautiful letters, or blogs, or journals. I'm not. My writing is messy, all over the place, and infrequent. I always have the best intentions, but don't get around to writing often.

I want to be a runner. I love the idea of running, the solitude, the beauty, the availabilty. I try to run. Not often enough. I'm not good at it. My form is not pretty, I can't go very far at a given time.

I want to be creative. To create beautiful living spaces, or inspiring works or art. To know what colors look incredible together.

I want to be a great friend. I try hard at this. I don't let a lot of people in very close, but the ones I do, I love with everything I have. I try to encourage them, support them, and reach out to them. I'm not that great at it, but I try.

I want to be a wife. Most people accuse me of being picky. Truth be told, I haven't had the opportunity to be pick or even turn anyone away. The chance to date or court hasn't come my way.

I want to be a mother. See the previous paragraph.

I may or may not ever be any of those things. If I'm not, it is okay. Those things are not what really matters.

Bottom line...I want to be a godly woman, and I want to love others. Each day I want to draw closer to Christ and seek him more and more. That's all I really want.

Healing....

A couple of weeks ago, Pete Wilson, pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville posted on his daily blog about healing. His main point was that we all need healing of some kind. Each one of us. If we realized that, and embraced that, how would that change the way we treat each other? How would that change the way we live our lives? You can read Pete's original post here: http://withoutwax.tv/2011/02/08/everyone-needs-healing-2/

I love listening to Pete preach (I podcast him regularly), and have really gotten a lot out of his book, Plan B. As much as I have learned from his sermons and writing, this simple blog post has stuck with me. I sat down that morning to write a quick blog about it and life (i.e. work) got in the way, but the thought hasn't left my mind. In every encounter I have with people, I have started trying to look at where that person needs healing. Sometimes people show it plain as day. Sometimes I have to use my personalisation skills (thanks handy-dandy counseling degree!). Sometimes, all it takes is listening a little closer and asking specific questions. I am truly trying to take myself out of the equations more and listen to those around me.

My heart aches to see others healed. This is nothing new for me. I am always drawn to the hurt in people, and I am usually drawn to the hurt they do not talk about. Not that I want to be the hero that saves the day or the one who 'cures' them. My desire is for everyone to feel loved and whole. For everyone to feel significant and for all their hurts to be healed.

I know that I can't do that for everyone. But I do know that I can do that for some people. And I do know that I can pray. So that's what I'll do. Because we all need healing...

The Strive for Perfection

Call it Type A. Call it Birth Order Syndrome (1st born, btw). Call me a classic Virgo if you believe in that. Call it what you will....I am a perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do. To the point that I am disgustingly imperfect. When it comes to myself, I expect the best and I am hard on myself. I am learning to be better, and I have actually let up a lot over the past few years. A particular incident really highlighted that need for me. But I don't know if I will ever break free from it completely. I try - but that's because I want to be perfect at not being perfect. Yup - I'm complicated like that!
Here's the problem, though. I screw everything up. In my strive for perfection, I question everything, I want to make sure I am doing things right, I try really hard, and I want to please everyone. What really ends up happening is that I push people away and I screw up everything. I am single, not by my own choosing (meaning I did not say "I am going to be 31 and single because I want to be), but really I think because every time someone tries to get anywhere near close to me I screw it up. I try to be too perfect. I try too hard. I ask to many questions. I over-communicate. I am not necessarily what I would call 'needy', but I am a perfectionist - and a major part of that perfectionism is wanting other people to be happy.
I'm really trying to do things that I want to do and to be myself and to embrace myself and to make Rebecca happy. It's harder than it sounds :-) but I'm trying really hard. How un-perfect does that sound - I'm trying really hard to be myself?!?! What happened along the way that got me to this point? Lots of stuff, actually, but most of that I'll keep close because it hurts and its raw.
But in the midst of doing things I want to do and things that make me happy, and being myself, I have once again let my perfectionism screw things up. So today, I'm sad. And of all the issues I have in life and all the virtues I wish I had that I have not been blessed with - this is the one I truly wish could be taken away from me. It has become such a burden.
On
The
Flip
Side...
It makes me really good at things. Striving for perfection means that I am a great problem solver. It means that I will not give up until I have come up with the best possible solution. It means I am efficient. It usually means I am effective. It means I will not give up until I am the best manager that I can be for my students and staff. It means that I am a hard worker and that I make sure the job gets done. I means that I don't settle for anything less than the best. It means that I am decisive and know want I want for myself and it means that I want the absolute best for everyone around me as well.
So when I am done beating myself up over not being perfect and kicking myself for screwing things up again, I'll take a deep breath and realize that there are positives as well. Then I'll remember Psalm 139:14, "I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

So this is me...

I love it when people think they have me all figured out....because I don't even have me all figured out, and I deal with me tons more than anyone else! ha


Someone I know used to always tell me that he knew what I was thinking or feeling better than I did. Stupid me believed him. Ah...we live and learn.


My random question for today was "Can you describe your life thus far in a six word sentence?"


Um...no! haha I can't describe anything in six words or less! I figured that was impossible. I asked a friend - whose answer was awesome, so I was inspired to think about it a little more. This is what I came up with:

Beautifully complicated progressively evolving awakening experiences.

You see, I get frustrated when I get put in a box or when I get compared to someone else, or when one word or action leads someone to draw conclusions about me. I know that there are many things about me that make me similar to other people - but I fiercely want to be my own person - I fiercely want to be known as an individual.

So this is me....

...I have a huge heart

...I don't let many people know that

...I've been hurt so much deeper that I will ever tell anyone

...In the past three days I came closer than I ever will

...I'm afraid no one will love me because of the choices I have made in my past

...I feel like I love everyone more than they love me

...I feel like that is the way my life is supposed to be

...I don't like to talk about myself

...yet I want people to know about me

...I have an intense desire to 'know' about other people, yet don't want to be nosy

...I use the fact that I am an introvert by nature as a crutch sometimes

...I am 31 and am just now figuring out some of the things "I" want to do with my days/time/life

...I don't do small talk - I long for connections

...I love greasy cheeseburgers with onions :-)

...A compliment from one person last week made me feel like a queen

...I am convinced I would be an awesome wife and mom, but I'm scared I'll never get the chance

...My heart overflows with love...to the point that sometimes it literally hurts

...I have only recently figured out how I overcompensate for failures in one area of my life with behaviors in other areas

...I have had significant conversations with three people in the past five days that I would have never guessed would have happened, yet have provided more clarity than ten years of therapy probably would have (and for the most part, were much cheaper, too!)

...I love to watch sports, and wish I could play them

...I want to go on a tropical vacation (like Barbados or Grenada) but I don't want to go alone or with my family (sorry - not that I don't love you guys)

...I love the water and can't wait for warm weather!

...This year, I WILL visit the ocean!

...there's so much more, but yeah.....so, this is me....

I cried today

I had the best weekend I've had in a very long time....following some pretty great weeks and some good news yesterday too. Today I cried.
When I lived in Kansas City, I cried regularly. Like almost every day, or at least 3 or 4 times a week for 5 years. When I first moved back to Texas, I told myself I was done crying. Just like that.
Well, it lasted until today. Today I cried.
I cried because someone spoke the most beautiful truth to me. She told me I needed to forgive myself.
Wow.

I didn't really even know how much I had been hurting until recently. I had convinced myself otherwise and told myself I was fine. It took two very wise, wonderful friends to see right through me - guess that's what friends are for, huh? I explained away behaviors and had made up my mind. I focused my (sometimes) stubborn mind and set goals and have been working diligently with much progress. I was actually feeling very good about things. Until I realized that I was beating myself up - big time. I'm great at forgiving other people. I don't hold grudges; I've got the turn the other cheek thing down....but when it comes to me? Um...yeah...not so much.

So there you have it. I cried today - but it was beautiful, not ugly. At least to me, maybe not to the guy in the Merc stuck next to me in traffic on 190!

Today, I....

...officially got a new boss (start date to be determined)
...made a step to cut deep ties
...failed miserably at trying to explain how I was hurt
...made a decision about something I wanted to do
...asked personal questions I typically avoid
...reached out so hopefully others would feel as important as I think they are
...encouraged
...loved
...listened intently
...stopped myself from interrupting (more than once!)
...went out of my comfort zone and tried a new class at the gym - and was okay with the fact that it kicked my butt
...daydreamed
...realized I need a serious vacation so I can read all the books that I am piling up on my shelf :-)
...missed someone more then I thought I would and maybe more than I think I should - I'm not sure how I feel about that
...made a little more progress to become the best ME I can be

Running through my mind....

I have a lot running through my mind (as always!).

I have a lot to say.

You would think with 5 'snow days' in the last 2 weeks I would have written a ton. Well...I didn't.

But...I thought a ton! Does that count? I didn't think so.

These migraines are kicking my tail right now - third one this week. Started new meds for them yesterday. Fingers crossed. Except I have the beginnings of one right now. Not a great feeling.

So much going on right now. Most of it is good. Some of it is great. I don't like to focus on the not-so-good stuff.

God is good. I am overwhelmed. I am blessed. That is what I choose to focus on. Except that this week I have really started to understand that it is okay to tell God exactly how I feel. And I don't have to apologize for it. I apologize for it a lot. I don't think I'm going to anymore.

Conviction is convicting. Wow. It hurts, but I love it. I love my church and that my pastor doesn't make apologies or sugar coat things. It hurts, but I love it.

Back to work....

Book Review: Left at the Alter by Kimberly Kennedy

Kimberly Kennedy's Left at the Alter is based on the author's own experience of recovering from a lost relationship. The Atlanta-based television personality could not hide her own experience of a cancelled wedding from the public, and has chosen to share her recovery and restoration in this well-written piece. The underlying theme of the book - rejection - is not only applicable to those who find themselves in Kennedy's same situation, but has an impact on anyone and everyone. If you or someone you know is experiencing a lost relationship, or feels abandoned or rejected by God, this book is a great guide to move you toward healing.

Honesty is the best policy, so I'll be upfront – as a 31 year old single woman who has not even been near the alter, this is not a book I would have picked up on my own and read, but I am SO glad I did. This is certainly a book I will pick up again (and again) for reference and reminders.

Kennedy’s talent lies in the ability to tell the complete story while not dwelling on the negative aspects. She quickly moves to examining motives, thoughts, and feelings while focusing on the Biblical context. The stories of rejection from different perspectives, mixed with biblical truths make this book easy to read and incredibly thought provoking. I found myself putting it down to think through a particular piece, then quickly returning to read the next chapter. Anyone who has experienced any type of rejection will benefit from this piece. Ironically, the reason I would have not picked up the book is the very reason I am glad I have now read it.

Note: I recieved a complimentary copy of the book for review by Booksneeze.com.

An aside...

I have eleventy million thoughts going through my mind right now. I came in tonight from an extremely long (read: 13 hour) day at work, and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to write. When I finally got settled down to write (which, incidentally, was delayed because OSU went into overtime - and won! I digress...)....where was I? Oh, yeah, when I finally settled down to write tonight, I realized how all over the place my thoughts are.
So far, 2011 has been a great year. Easy to say 19 days in, huh? Let's just say, if the next 365-19 (I'm too tired to do the math!) days go as well as the past 19, I will feel immensely blessed. Oh, wait, I already do.
Almost three weeks ago, I rang in the new year among family in the middle of the country, and I had a lot of dreams and goals in mind. To be quite honest, I also had pretty low expectations. You see, 2009 and 2010 both held huge changes for me, and at the end of those years, I still found myself disappointed and down in the dumps so to speak. But this year? Yup, this year is going to be different. I can feel it. I believe it. I have complete and utter faith.
My goals for 2011 are off to a good start. I am excited about them, and can't wait to share more. I'm excited about what I'm reading - I just wish I had more time to read. Especially in this weather, I wish I could crawl up in front of the fire and read for hours on end. I think that hits on the only drawback I've found so far in 2011 - I want more time. Well, who doesn't, huh? I have found things I love and I am passionate about, now I want more hours to devote to all of them. I don't want to only pick one or two. I want to study, read, and soak up the Word. I want to pour over books and novels. I want to travel around the country and research different cities and locations. I want to run. I want to experience deep, true community with others. I want to serve. I want more....more and more of the good stuff.
The challenge has been presented - now a plan must be made. I'm ready!

To be Known.....

....this may be Part I of many posts to come, because this is what is really on my heart lately. My heart is really evolving, so no matter how/where I end this post, I know it will not do it justice.

Isaiah 52:12 - But you will not go out in haste, nor will you go as fugitives; for the Lord will go before you; the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."

Last Sunday I did something that for most of my adult life (I include college in this) has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I went to church.

Yes, I know how that statement sounds. I also know how silly some people think this next statement will sound. - In my past experiences, church has been the loneliest place I have ever been.

I've eaten at restaurants alone, participated in 5K races with thousands of people alone, traveled alone, gone to movies alone, attended sporting events alone. I have done many things (and will do many more) alone....but the place I have felt the loneliest? Church.

The thing about it is, though, I could never figure out why. I've even been a member of a few churches during that time, participating in activities, attending 'Sunday school', volunteering in the nursery, singing in the choir....but I've always felt alone.
Isn't church supposed to be the place you go to find community? The place where everybody knows your name? (well, besides Cheers, of course)
Many times in college, especially early on, I would go to church and not know anyone there. The absolute loneliest I have ever felt - and I've had some pretty rough days and dark times - was/is sitting in a church pew (or those comfy individual chairs we all have now) alone - with no one to sit by or talk to. Oh, sure, there were some times, especially in college, where I would know people, but didn't feel comfortable asking if I could sit with them.
I would sit in bible studies - places my heart longed to be, a place I looked forward to all week long, and as I was listening and learning and soaking up as much of the Word as I could, I would feel so alone.
This pattern has repeated for....who knows how many years.
Well...after weeks and weeks (okay...months and months) of giving myself pep talks about going to church, I got up the nerve to go last Sunday.
I was scared. I was anxious. I was lonely. I was self-conscious. Funny thing is....once the preaching started....once the Word was being spoken, I bathed in it. Everything else faded away. It no longer mattered that I was sitting in a crowded, almost packed church - with no one around me. I no longer felt alone. I soaked in the words being spoken....I basked in the Father's love for me. The sermon? Classic case of God knowing where we are and meeting us there - the sermon was on being alone in church. Huh. Who would have thought?!?
WHAT A MIGHTY GO WE SERVE. He knows every person who has ever and will ever live on this planet. He knows every star in the sky and has numbered the grains of sand on the beaches. And this God....this God is not too busy to know ME. To know my needs and wants and fears and anxieties. He knows ALL of them. And when I acted in obedience and stepped outside of my comfort zone, he met me there. And he Blessed me - beyond measure.

Bring on 2011

Ironically, I have typed this post four times now.....it keeps getting erased. That's what I get for trying to blog from my iPhone. Lesson learned (for now). Now, on to your regularly schedule post...



2011 has been here a long time now. 11 whole days. The focus of 2011 - - Goals...not resolutions. You heard it here first. (Well, unless you heard it somewhere else...but that's neither here nor there...)


New Year's resolutions are not for me. I prove that time and time again. I rarely stick to something very long. Sometimes I get bored with a 'resolution' other times I get distracted by other things I want to do or accomplish - things that at the time seem more interesting/exciting. I have a terrible habit of not finishing everything I start (case in point: my sewing table; case in point #2: my bookshelf; I have more, but I'll stop there for now). Heck, I have been known to not even start a new year's resolution...yup, I'm just cool like that.


So...this year, no New Year's Resolutions for me.


One of the things I am choosing to focus on during this time of being alone is goal setting. I am doing my best to focus on the positive aspects of being single - because it is so easy and natural to focus on the negative sides. Another post entirely.

There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life, places I want to see, things I want to accomplish, relationships I want to build, improvements I want to make. I have a l-o-n-g list of these things. So, starting late last year, I decided to

1. Define and embrace what it means to 'Live Simply'
2. Read 35 Books (we've already covered that...but I already have some uber-exciting changes to add!)
3. Self-Imposed Spending Freeze (referencing back to #1)
4. Complete 6 5Ks (first one - this Saturday...*burrrrr*)
5. RUN an entire 5K (notice #4 said "complete" that just means survive...I want to run one - I'm horribly out of shape.)
6. Get rid of these pesky 15 pounds
7. Blog/document more
8. Take more pictures of life (I'm really good at taking pictures of nature or other random things, but want to be better about documenting my life, exciting (or not) as it may be)
9. Finish Projects
10. Write more cards/letters/notes
11. Appreciate beauty
12. Take a vacation (or two!)
13. Attend church regularly/find a community
14. No regrets!!!

I could (and probably will) write paragraphs about each of those. I have a few more, but those are more personal and I prefer to be more guarded about them. I may (or may not) share them as they unfold. We'll see.

I have been thinking of my goals for a couple of months now, and I'm excited to have a direction to work toward. It is very interesting to me that I spend so much time teaching students about goals, harping on my friends/coworkers about goals, and setting goals for my program and office, yet I have never truly set goals for myself personally. I really don't think it has ever crossed my mind. Only after thinking about all of the regrets I have about things I have not done or opportunities I have missed did I decide that I needed to make some conscious goals.

And, for the record, I sure did use the word "goal" eight (now nine) times in this post - six in the last paragraph!

The Great Book Challenge of 2011

I love to read. That has been the case for as long as I can remember. If my hands are idle, I have been known to read any obscure piece of writing - I just can't seem to help myself! I remember being so frustrated in graduate school that I never had time to 'read' - because I was too busy reading and studying for classes. Like most, I have preferences to what I read for 'fun' (I typically don't count reading for work as 'fun') - I enjoy murder mysteries, books about sports, romance novels (not the trashy kind - the ones with a plot), Christian-living books, and the occasional biography (although - the only biographies I typically read are sports biographies - haha)

(Complete side note - if you like to read sports biographies - I highly suggest Beyond Belief - Josh Hamilton's story, and Coming Back Stronger - Drew Brees's autobiography. I read each of them in a day - and re-read them both (I think I've read Josh's book three full times now). GREAT reads!)

Among my list of goals for the new year (more to come in a post by the end of the week), I have challenged myself to read 35 books. Like I said, I read all the time, and typically have at least two books going at a time; that being said, I am not really sure if I am overestimating my abilities or underestimating. I guess time will tell.

One of my *endearing* traits is that I love books. Bookstores are my kryptonite. I actually ban myself from Half-Price books because I walk in for one thing (which they usually don't have) and walk out with about 5 new books (or more) each time. Thus, I have a lot of books on my shelves at work and at home that I have yet to read. Go figure. I had planned to just read those, as well as a few I had picked up toward the end of December, and just go from there. My plan was to read whatever I found interesting at the time. Then....that plan changed. You see, I have gotten into the habit of reading a lot of mindless fiction. Books that I call 'bathtub books' (most of the world calls them "beach reads" but that term depresses me that I can't read them at the beach, so I renamed them!). While they are great, and have helped me establish a nightly routine that has eliminated the inability to fall asleep fast. However...to pick 35 mindless books is not really a challenge, is it? And what would I have gained at the end of the year...not much. So....the plan is to mix it up. I have thus far picked 25 of the 35 (with the disclaimer that I may change a few) - 19 of which I already have on my bookshelves. I am completely open for suggestions on the other books of course - and hope to keep you posted on my progress and may even enlighten you with a book review or two (as long as I don't start having flashbacks of high school English!).

Oh, and the other kicker of the challenge? I will not be buying any books. Why, you might ask? Good question. It's not because I wanted to add another layer of the challenge - although that is certainly a result. The reason I will not be buying any books is that I have also challenged myself to a year long spending freeze. *Gasp!!* Yes, no spending money on books. I promise I'll write more about this in my "Goals of 2011" post. So...anyone wanting to buy me Amazon.com gift cards, just message me and I'll send you my address - haha! Just kidding. Kind of. Ok, yes, I'm kidding. I have this all figured out.....famous last words..... In actuality, I will need to come up with 16 books that I want to read that I do not currently own. I'm thinking that between the public library, the school library (cool perk of working for a college), my mom's church library, and beg/borrowing/stealing from friends, that finding 19 books won't be too hard. Both the public library and the school library have inter-library loan which means if they don't have what I'm looking for, they can usually get it from another library.

So...here's to the first challenge of 2011, and the list of my intended:

Books currently on my shelf:

Plan B - Pete Wilson

Unspeakable - Sandra Brown

Women and Money - Suze Orman

Love Me, Never Leave Me - Marilyn Meberg

Crazy Love - Francis Chan

Forgotten God - Francis Chan

Between Sundays - Karen Kingsbury

The Omnivore's Dilemma - Michael Pollan

Forty Million Dollar Slaves - William Rhoden

The Bullpen Gospels - Dirk Hayhurst

The Kite Runner - Khaled hosseini

His Brother's Keeper - Johathan Weiner

Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston

Hunting for Hope - Scott Russell Sanders

Why Good Things Happen to Good People - Stephen Post & Jill Neimark

Living a Life that Matters - Harold S. Kushner

The Dumbest Generation - Mark Bauerlein

Covering - Kenji Yoshino

Black Like Me - John Howard Griffin

Books I don't have yet -

Tick Tock - James Patterson (Michael Bennett series - out on Jan 24)

10th Anniversary - James Patterson (Women's Murder Club series - out on May 2)

Freedom - Jonathan Franzen

Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter - Tom Franklin

The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - Siddhartha Mukherjee

The Christian Atheist - Craig Groeschel

Do you have any fun challenges in mind for 2011 or any books you're planning on reading?

Everything and Nothing....2010 in Review

I have everything and nothing all at once. Yes, I'm just cool like that.

This year has been life changing. Nothing short of incredible. Yet, when the clock strikes midnight on Friday night, I'll be 31 and single. Yup....everything and nothing.

All in all, 2010 has been a great year for me. I started the year with a job interview in January that turned into a job back in Texas. I left Kansas City in May and moved home. I was apprehensive at first - I felt like I was giving up a lot of freedom to move back. It is liberating to live in a city 'alone' and I loved that aspect of KC, but the draw of family brought me back.

When I started my job in May, there were a lot of changes I had to adjust to. First and foremost - a commute. I had a nine minute commute in Kansas City....in Texas, it is 45 minutes - minimum. That also meant that I had to start getting up earlier. I'm not a morning person, and I love my sleep - so this has been an adjustment. I also moved into a position that was pre-existing. Prior to this, all of the jobs I have had were new positions that I was able to create and develop - that is my forte. In addition, I had a boss. A real boss....and that was a challenge. I am used to reporting to someone, but not really being 'supervised' on a daily (or hourly) basis. The other challenge on the work front - I didn't have an office. Early on, I was in the main office with the admin, student employees, and all the traffic.

How quickly things changed! My boss left in July - she took early retirement from the university - and we moved into our new building in July - so I finally had my office. From there, the wild and crazy ride began. I have certainly learned the things I love about my job and the things I could live without. It is helping me shape my goals and direction for the future, which is good. Before moving back, I really didn't have clear 5 year career goals. I am starting to define those more each day. More on that another time.

Outside of work, things have never been better. 2010 has been good to me. I have escaped a lot of negativity I felt like I dealt with in the midwest. I have spent a lot of time with my family. I would not trade the past eight months for anything in the world. Some of the things I have enjoyed in the past eight months:

• Mother's day with my mom
• Sadie's birthday (and not having to fly in for it!)
• Pool time with the kids and watching Sadie really swim
• A girl's weekend with Denise in Austin - complete with Sixth Street & tubing on the river
• Dawson's first birthday party
• Getting to see Christen and Autumn this summer
• Memorial Day & Labor Day at the lake
• Too many Ranger's games to count
• Going to Ranger's playoff games - and a WORLD SERIES Game!
• Seeing Tim McGraw in concert....Twice!
• Big XII Championship game in Cowboy's Stadium
• Homecoming in Stillwater with Jess and her family
• Catching up with old friends
• Spending time with my cousins and aunts (and uncles)
• Going to the Showcase college basketball games with my dad
• A strengthened and renewed relationship with my Heavenly Father

I could probably go on an on....just looking at the list overwhelms me with the blessings that I have been entrusted with. I have an incredible family, and I am lucky that I enjoy spending time with them and have the opportunities to spend time with them that I do.

I do my best not to take any of it for granted. I do my best to focus on the positives each and every day. I do my best to count my blessings. I have everything a person could ever need.

Yet, when I lay down at night, there is always the haunting feeling that I have nothing. Some of my strongest desires are not met. Some of my most heartfelt, deepest prayers have not been answered yet. I am a 31 year old, single woman - and I'll do you one better - I haven't been on a date since I was in high school. Yup. And that was only once. I never would have pictured my life this way. What single 30-something would? When my head hits the pillow at night, or when I sit still long enough to let my mind and body rest, if I allow my mind to lose focus (which I admit, happens a lot), all the insecurities and inadequacies and doubts slam me in the face. It is then that I say I have nothing.

So at the end of 2010, the year in which I have made one of the biggest changes of my adult life, the year in which I have experienced more blessings than I dare ask, the year in which I have loved deeper and stronger than ever, the year in which I really 'got' what God was all about....at the end of this year, I stand alone. I stand lonely. But I will continue to stand clinging to the promises He has given me. Better yet, I will not stand at all....I will choose to kneel and cling to the promises. May I be found worthy.....

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 has come and gone. This is the first Christmas since I moved to college that I have been home for all of the preparations and did not have to travel at all. What an incredible blessing!

Our Christmas was low-key this year, but the season was full of family and love. I started the season feeling less than excited for Christmas for a few different reasons. The end of the semester is one of the busiest times for me, and for the first time in years, I worked until 5:00pm (really 5:30, but who's counting) on the 23rd. I love Christmas because of the message and the magic, but it really is different when there aren't children around. That's a lot of what had me down prior to the holiday. I'll just go ahead and say it - as much as I love and cherish my family and wouldn't trade them for the world - being single at Christmas just sucks.

So....I made sure my season was f~u~l~l! haha From Thanksgiving weekend through Christmas day seems like a whirlwind. I've decided it would be much easier if I didn't work. Food for thought. Or wishful thinking. Take your pick.


Some of the pre-Christmas activities around here:

• Attending the Dallas Symphony Orchestra with special guest Michael W. Smith - it was awesome. That's the only word that can be used. I went with my mom, cousin, and my mom's friend. We had dinner before the performance, and our seats were in the choir loft behind the orchestra so we were able to see everything. Simply breathtaking and a perfect way to start the season.



• Sadie's Christmas program at school. This was the first year I have been able to attend, and I was so impressed. The great thing about going to a church school is the Christmas program is actually about Jesus - not Santa. Afterwards, the school had a 'reception' for the kids with cake and punch. I felt so blessed to be a part.
  
  

• At the reception after the performance - please note my mom's incredible ability to take candid pictures of me ;-)
  
  
  
• Decorating the house with a little of my own flair. After decorating my own place for the past few years, it was fun to blend some of my personal style with my mom's while incorporating some of our traditions as well. I was pleased with the outcome, and already have a lot of ideas for next year!