Figuring it out as I go...

The Journey

2011-05-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

Our pastor described David the other day as seeming schizophrenic - especially as you read through the Psalms. In one chapter he will be praising God and saying how he has never felt closer to him, then simply turn the page and he is lamenting and asking God where he has gone, why he is hiding himself from David. When Matt first said that, I could not stop laughing...but lately, I have realized that is me - 100%.
I am at a place right now where I have never understood God more or felt closer to Him. My prayers are deeper, less selfish, I am learning to actually listen - to be still in my prayers. It is freeing and refreshing and wonderful. Then in the next breath, the tide wave of depression knocks me over, and I start to feel like I am drowning again. In those moments (or days), I ask God repeatedly where he is and why I can't feel him. I feel forgotten, lost, and overwhelmingly lonely. Then I start to feel guilty...who am I to question where God is or what work He is going? I "know" the promises he has written for me. I "know" the love he has spoken over me. He knew me before the world began...He knew what I would look like, what I would act like, what my personality would be, what my downfalls are, and what my stumbling blocks would be. Yet He created me anyway, and loves me anyway. When I see God blatantly working in the lives of those around me, it doesn't mean that he isn't working in my life. Just because I can't see it right now, doesn't mean it is not happening.
The depression hurts...but not physically. Not even emotionally, all the time. It hurts constantly spiritually. I feel like if I prayed more, read my bible more, studied more, loved God more, just believed more - then I wouldn't be depressed. Then I would be happy. Then I could sleep through the night. Then I wouldn't cry at random times throughout the day. Then I wouldn't be as frustrated or irritable or annoyed. Then I would be happy - all the time. Because like David, there are days and moments that I am right there - so close, so happy, so full of joy and love and life. But those days don't last forever. That is what I am seeking - for the joy and love and life to last through each day. Stupid depression....I'll keep fighting you. But I'm no longer going to fight with tears or frustration...I'm going to stay on my knees and let my God handle you! He has given me a tender heart, the ability to feel so many emotions at one time, the ability to see every side of an issue/situation/argument, the ability to love unconditionally even those who have hurt me severely. He has given me all of that....he can fight the depression. And I will return to loving and living a life full of joy. Even if I do not reach the destination that I have in mind for me, the journey will be blessed and beautiful.

Stuck

2011-05-16T09:56:00.001-07:00

I feel like my life is stuck right now. No real direction, nothing to look forward to, nothing on the horizon. I feel stuck. Nothing is really wrong, nothing is bad, I just don't know where I am going next. I have friends and people all around me that are having babies, getting married, going on mission trips, starting new jobs, getting divorced, dating someone new, etc. I'm not doing any of that. I'm just stuck. I am getting a promotion, but it is not really a new job; it's a minimal shift in responsibilities and a change in title, but it's a job I've essentially been doing for over a year.
I have ended or am slowly ending friendships that are not positive for me. I have started to develop some new friendships. I know that right now I am in the place I am supposed to be, but I don't know what is coming next, or even what to expect. It is frustrating because looking around me, it seems like everyone else is progressing and I'm standing still.

Listening, learning, letting go

2011-03-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

I spent the past two months in a place much different that I thought I would at the beginning of the year. Between endless headaches/migraines, a handful of doctors appointments, way to many hours of working, and my favorite sports time of the year, the months of March & April flew by without any blogging. Nevertheless, the past sixty-plus days have been spent doing a lot of listening, a lot of learning, and a lot of attempts at letting go. So much to say, so many thoughts going through my mind. Simply put, I am at peace and I am happy. I say it so often it sounds cliche or insincere, but I am blessed. Beyond belief.

I think a lot about what I want to be.

I want to be a writer. Writing beautiful letters, or blogs, or journals. I'm not. My writing is messy, all over the place, and infrequent. I always have the best intentions, but don't get around to writing often.

I want to be a runner. I love the idea of running, the solitude, the beauty, the availabilty. I try to run. Not often enough. I'm not good at it. My form is not pretty, I can't go very far at a given time.

I want to be creative. To create beautiful living spaces, or inspiring works or art. To know what colors look incredible together.

I want to be a great friend. I try hard at this. I don't let a lot of people in very close, but the ones I do, I love with everything I have. I try to encourage them, support them, and reach out to them. I'm not that great at it, but I try.

I want to be a wife. Most people accuse me of being picky. Truth be told, I haven't had the opportunity to be pick or even turn anyone away. The chance to date or court hasn't come my way.

I want to be a mother. See the previous paragraph.

I may or may not ever be any of those things. If I'm not, it is okay. Those things are not what really matters.

Bottom line...I want to be a godly woman, and I want to love others. Each day I want to draw closer to Christ and seek him more and more. That's all I really want.

Healing....

2011-02-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, Pete Wilson, pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville posted on his daily blog about healing. His main point was that we all need healing of some kind. Each one of us. If we realized that, and embraced that, how would that change the way we treat each other? How would that change the way we live our lives? You can read Pete's original post here: http://withoutwax.tv/2011/02/08/everyone-needs-healing-2/

I love listening to Pete preach (I podcast him regularly), and have really gotten a lot out of his book, Plan B. As much as I have learned from his sermons and writing, this simple blog post has stuck with me. I sat down that morning to write a quick blog about it and life (i.e. work) got in the way, but the thought hasn't left my mind. In every encounter I have with people, I have started trying to look at where that person needs healing. Sometimes people show it plain as day. Sometimes I have to use my personalisation skills (thanks handy-dandy counseling degree!). Sometimes, all it takes is listening a little closer and asking specific questions. I am truly trying to take myself out of the equations more and listen to those around me.

My heart aches to see others healed. This is nothing new for me. I am always drawn to the hurt in people, and I am usually drawn to the hurt they do not talk about. Not that I want to be the hero that saves the day or the one who 'cures' them. My desire is for everyone to feel loved and whole. For everyone to feel significant and for all their hurts to be healed.

I know that I can't do that for everyone. But I do know that I can do that for some people. And I do know that I can pray. So that's what I'll do. Because we all need healing...

The Strive for Perfection

2011-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

Call it Type A. Call it Birth Order Syndrome (1st born, btw). Call me a classic Virgo if you believe in that. Call it what you will....I am a perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do. To the point that I am disgustingly imperfect. When it comes to myself, I expect the best and I am hard on myself. I am learning to be better, and I have actually let up a lot over the past few years. A particular incident really highlighted that need for me. But I don't know if I will ever break free from it completely. I try - but that's because I want to be perfect at not being perfect. Yup - I'm complicated like that!
Here's the problem, though. I screw everything up. In my strive for perfection, I question everything, I want to make sure I am doing things right, I try really hard, and I want to please everyone. What really ends up happening is that I push people away and I screw up everything. I am single, not by my own choosing (meaning I did not say "I am going to be 31 and single because I want to be), but really I think because every time someone tries to get anywhere near close to me I screw it up. I try to be too perfect. I try too hard. I ask to many questions. I over-communicate. I am not necessarily what I would call 'needy', but I am a perfectionist - and a major part of that perfectionism is wanting other people to be happy.
I'm really trying to do things that I want to do and to be myself and to embrace myself and to make Rebecca happy. It's harder than it sounds :-) but I'm trying really hard. How un-perfect does that sound - I'm trying really hard to be myself?!?! What happened along the way that got me to this point? Lots of stuff, actually, but most of that I'll keep close because it hurts and its raw.
But in the midst of doing things I want to do and things that make me happy, and being myself, I have once again let my perfectionism screw things up. So today, I'm sad. And of all the issues I have in life and all the virtues I wish I had that I have not been blessed with - this is the one I truly wish could be taken away from me. It has become such a burden.
On
The
Flip
Side...
It makes me really good at things. Striving for perfection means that I am a great problem solver. It means that I will not give up until I have come up with the best possible solution. It means I am efficient. It usually means I am effective. It means I will not give up until I am the best manager that I can be for my students and staff. It means that I am a hard worker and that I make sure the job gets done. I means that I don't settle for anything less than the best. It means that I am decisive and know want I want for myself and it means that I want the absolute best for everyone around me as well.
So when I am done beating myself up over not being perfect and kicking myself for screwing things up again, I'll take a deep breath and realize that there are positives as well. Then I'll remember Psalm 139:14, "I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

So this is me...

2011-02-16T06:37:00.001-08:00

I love it when people think they have me all figured out....because I don't even have me all figured out, and I deal with me tons more than anyone else! ha

Someone I know used to always tell me that he knew what I was thinking or feeling better than I did. Stupid me believed him. Ah...we live and learn.

My random question for today was "Can you describe your life thus far in a six word sentence?"

Um...no! haha I can't describe anything in six words or less! I figured that was impossible. I asked a friend - whose answer was awesome, so I was inspired to think about it a little more. This is what I came up with:

Beautifully complicated progressively evolving awakening experiences.

You see, I get frustrated when I get put in a box or when I get compared to someone else, or when one word or action leads someone to draw conclusions about me. I know that there are many things about me that make me similar to other people - but I fiercely want to be my own person - I fiercely want to be known as an individual.

So this is me....

...I have a huge heart

...I don't let many people know that

...I've been hurt so much deeper that I will ever tell anyone

...In the past three days I came closer than I ever will

...I'm afraid no one will love me because of the choices I have made in my past

...I feel like I love everyone more than they love me

...I feel like that is the way my life is supposed to be

...I don't like to talk about myself

...yet I want people to know about me

...I have an intense desire to 'know' about other people, yet don't want to be nosy

...I use the fact that I am an introvert by nature as a crutch sometimes

...I am 31 and am just now figuring out some of the things "I" want to do with my days/time/life

...I don't do small talk - I long for connections

...I love greasy cheeseburgers with onions :-)

...A compliment from one person last week made me feel like a queen

...I am convinced I would be an awesome wife and mom, but I'm scared I'll never get the chance

...My heart overflows with love...to the point that sometimes it literally hurts

...I have only recently figured out how I overcompensate for failures in one area of my life with behaviors in other areas

...I have had significant conversations with three people in the past five days that I would have never guessed would have happened, yet have provided more clarity than ten years of therapy probably would have (and for the most part, were much cheaper, too!)

...I love to watch sports, and wish I could play them

...I want to go on a tropical vacation (like Barbados or Grenada) but I don't want to go alone or with my family (sorry - not that I don't love you guys)

...I love the water and can't wait for warm weather!

...This year, I WILL visit the ocean!

...there's so much more, but yeah.....so, this is me....

I cried today

2011-02-15T10:23:00.001-08:00

I had the best weekend I've had in a very long time....following some pretty great weeks and some good news yesterday too. Today I cried.
When I lived in Kansas City, I cried regularly. Like almost every day, or at least 3 or 4 times a week for 5 years. When I first moved back to Texas, I told myself I was done crying. Just like that.
Well, it lasted until today. Today I cried.
I cried because someone spoke the most beautiful truth to me. She told me I needed to forgive myself.
Wow.

I didn't really even know how much I had been hurting until recently. I had convinced myself otherwise and told myself I was fine. It took two very wise, wonderful friends to see right through me - guess that's what friends are for, huh? I explained away behaviors and had made up my mind. I focused my (sometimes) stubborn mind and set goals and have been working diligently with much progress. I was actually feeling very good about things. Until I realized that I was beating myself up - big time. I'm great at forgiving other people. I don't hold grudges; I've got the turn the other cheek thing down....but when it comes to me? Um...yeah...not so much.

So there you have it. I cried today - but it was beautiful, not ugly. At least to me, maybe not to the guy in the Merc stuck next to me in traffic on 190!

Today, I....

2011-02-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

...officially got a new boss (start date to be determined)
...made a step to cut deep ties
...failed miserably at trying to explain how I was hurt
...made a decision about something I wanted to do
...asked personal questions I typically avoid
...reached out so hopefully others would feel as important as I think they are
...encouraged
...loved
...listened intently
...stopped myself from interrupting (more than once!)
...went out of my comfort zone and tried a new class at the gym - and was okay with the fact that it kicked my butt
...daydreamed
...realized I need a serious vacation so I can read all the books that I am piling up on my shelf :-)
...missed someone more then I thought I would and maybe more than I think I should - I'm not sure how I feel about that
...made a little more progress to become the best ME I can be

Running through my mind....

2011-02-03T05:20:00.000-08:00

I have a lot running through my mind (as always!).

I have a lot to say.

You would think with 5 'snow days' in the last 2 weeks I would have written a ton. Well...I didn't.

But...I thought a ton! Does that count? I didn't think so.

These migraines are kicking my tail right now - third one this week. Started new meds for them yesterday. Fingers crossed. Except I have the beginnings of one right now. Not a great feeling.

So much going on right now. Most of it is good. Some of it is great. I don't like to focus on the not-so-good stuff.

God is good. I am overwhelmed. I am blessed. That is what I choose to focus on. Except that this week I have really started to understand that it is okay to tell God exactly how I feel. And I don't have to apologize for it. I apologize for it a lot. I don't think I'm going to anymore.

Conviction is convicting. Wow. It hurts, but I love it. I love my church and that my pastor doesn't make apologies or sugar coat things. It hurts, but I love it.

Back to work....

Book Review: Left at the Alter by Kimberly Kennedy

2011-01-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

Kimberly Kennedy's Left at the Alter is based on the author's own experience of recovering from a lost relationship. The Atlanta-based television personality could not hide her own experience of a cancelled wedding from the public, and has chosen to share her recovery and restoration in this well-written piece. The underlying theme of the book - rejection - is not only applicable to those who find themselves in Kennedy's same situation, but has an impact on anyone and everyone. If you or someone you know is experiencing a lost relationship, or feels abandoned or rejected by God, this book is a great guide to move you toward healing.

Honesty is the best policy, so I'll be upfront – as a 31 year old single woman who has not even been near the alter, this is not a book I would have picked up on my own and read, but I am SO glad I did. This is certainly a book I will pick up again (and again) for reference and reminders.

Kennedy’s talent lies in the ability to tell the complete story while not dwelling on the negative aspects. She quickly moves to examining motives, thoughts, and feelings while focusing on the Biblical context. The stories of rejection from different perspectives, mixed with biblical truths make this book easy to read and incredibly thought provoking. I found myself putting it down to think through a particular piece, then quickly returning to read the next chapter. Anyone who has experienced any type of rejection will benefit from this piece. Ironically, the reason I would have not picked up the book is the very reason I am glad I have now read it.

Note: I recieved a complimentary copy of the book for review by Booksneeze.com.

An aside...

2011-01-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

I have eleventy million thoughts going through my mind right now. I came in tonight from an extremely long (read: 13 hour) day at work, and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to write. When I finally got settled down to write (which, incidentally, was delayed because OSU went into overtime - and won! I digress...)....where was I? Oh, yeah, when I finally settled down to write tonight, I realized how all over the place my thoughts are.
So far, 2011 has been a great year. Easy to say 19 days in, huh? Let's just say, if the next 365-19 (I'm too tired to do the math!) days go as well as the past 19, I will feel immensely blessed. Oh, wait, I already do.
Almost three weeks ago, I rang in the new year among family in the middle of the country, and I had a lot of dreams and goals in mind. To be quite honest, I also had pretty low expectations. You see, 2009 and 2010 both held huge changes for me, and at the end of those years, I still found myself disappointed and down in the dumps so to speak. But this year? Yup, this year is going to be different. I can feel it. I believe it. I have complete and utter faith.
My goals for 2011 are off to a good start. I am excited about them, and can't wait to share more. I'm excited about what I'm reading - I just wish I had more time to read. Especially in this weather, I wish I could crawl up in front of the fire and read for hours on end. I think that hits on the only drawback I've found so far in 2011 - I want more time. Well, who doesn't, huh? I have found things I love and I am passionate about, now I want more hours to devote to all of them. I don't want to only pick one or two. I want to study, read, and soak up the Word. I want to pour over books and novels. I want to travel around the country and research different cities and locations. I want to run. I want to experience deep, true community with others. I want to serve. I want more....more and more of the good stuff.
The challenge has been presented - now a plan must be made. I'm ready!

To be Known.....

2011-01-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

....this may be Part I of many posts to come, because this is what is really on my heart lately. My heart is really evolving, so no matter how/where I end this post, I know it will not do it justice.

Isaiah 52:12 - But you will not go out in haste, nor will you go as fugitives; for the Lord will go before you; the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."

Last Sunday I did something that for most of my adult life (I include college in this) has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I went to church.

Yes, I know how that statement sounds. I also know how silly some people think this next statement will sound. - In my past experiences, church has been the loneliest place I have ever been.

I've eaten at restaurants alone, participated in 5K races with thousands of people alone, traveled alone, gone to movies alone, attended sporting events alone. I have done many things (and will do many more) alone....but the place I have felt the loneliest? Church.

The thing about it is, though, I could never figure out why. I've even been a member of a few churches during that time, participating in activities, attending 'Sunday school', volunteering in the nursery, singing in the choir....but I've always felt alone.
Isn't church supposed to be the place you go to find community? The place where everybody knows your name? (well, besides Cheers, of course)
Many times in college, especially early on, I would go to church and not know anyone there. The absolute loneliest I have ever felt - and I've had some pretty rough days and dark times - was/is sitting in a church pew (or those comfy individual chairs we all have now) alone - with no one to sit by or talk to. Oh, sure, there were some times, especially in college, where I would know people, but didn't feel comfortable asking if I could sit with them.
I would sit in bible studies - places my heart longed to be, a place I looked forward to all week long, and as I was listening and learning and soaking up as much of the Word as I could, I would feel so alone.
This pattern has repeated for....who knows how many years.
Well...after weeks and weeks (okay...months and months) of giving myself pep talks about going to church, I got up the nerve to go last Sunday.
I was scared. I was anxious. I was lonely. I was self-conscious. Funny thing is....once the preaching started....once the Word was being spoken, I bathed in it. Everything else faded away. It no longer mattered that I was sitting in a crowded, almost packed church - with no one around me. I no longer felt alone. I soaked in the words being spoken....I basked in the Father's love for me. The sermon? Classic case of God knowing where we are and meeting us there - the sermon was on being alone in church. Huh. Who would have thought?!?
WHAT A MIGHTY GO WE SERVE. He knows every person who has ever and will ever live on this planet. He knows every star in the sky and has numbered the grains of sand on the beaches. And this God....this God is not too busy to know ME. To know my needs and wants and fears and anxieties. He knows ALL of them. And when I acted in obedience and stepped outside of my comfort zone, he met me there. And he Blessed me - beyond measure.

Bring on 2011

2011-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

Ironically, I have typed this post four times now.....it keeps getting erased. That's what I get for trying to blog from my iPhone. Lesson learned (for now). Now, on to your regularly schedule post...

2011 has been here a long time now. 11 whole days. The focus of 2011 - - Goals...not resolutions. You heard it here first. (Well, unless you heard it somewhere else...but that's neither here nor there...)

New Year's resolutions are not for me. I prove that time and time again. I rarely stick to something very long. Sometimes I get bored with a 'resolution' other times I get distracted by other things I want to do or accomplish - things that at the time seem more interesting/exciting. I have a terrible habit of not finishing everything I start (case in point: my sewing table; case in point #2: my bookshelf; I have more, but I'll stop there for now). Heck, I have been known to not even start a new year's resolution...yup, I'm just cool like that.

So...this year, no New Year's Resolutions for me.

One of the things I am choosing to focus on during this time of being alone is goal setting. I am doing my best to focus on the positive aspects of being single - because it is so easy and natural to focus on the negative sides. Another post entirely.

There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life, places I want to see, things I want to accomplish, relationships I want to build, improvements I want to make. I have a l-o-n-g list of these things. So, starting late last year, I decided to

Define and embrace what it means to 'Live Simply'
Read 35 Books (we've already covered that...but I already have some uber-exciting changes to add!)
Self-Imposed Spending Freeze (referencing back to #1)
Complete 6 5Ks (first one - this Saturday...*burrrrr*)
RUN an entire 5K (notice #4 said "complete" that just means survive...I want to run one - I'm horribly out of shape.)
Get rid of these pesky 15 pounds
Blog/document more
Take more pictures of life (I'm really good at taking pictures of nature or other random things, but want to be better about documenting my life, exciting (or not) as it may be)
Finish Projects
Write more cards/letters/notes
Appreciate beauty
Take a vacation (or two!)
Attend church regularly/find a community
No regrets!!!

I could (and probably will) write paragraphs about each of those. I have a few more, but those are more personal and I prefer to be more guarded about them. I may (or may not) share them as they unfold. We'll see.

I have been thinking of my goals for a couple of months now, and I'm excited to have a direction to work toward. It is very interesting to me that I spend so much time teaching students about goals, harping on my friends/coworkers about goals, and setting goals for my program and office, yet I have never truly set goals for myself personally. I really don't think it has ever crossed my mind. Only after thinking about all of the regrets I have about things I have not done or opportunities I have missed did I decide that I needed to make some conscious goals.

And, for the record, I sure did use the word "goal" eight (now nine) times in this post - six in the last paragraph!

The Great Book Challenge of 2011

2011-01-02T20:00:00.001-08:00

I love to read. That has been the case for as long as I can remember. If my hands are idle, I have been known to read any obscure piece of writing - I just can't seem to help myself! I remember being so frustrated in graduate school that I never had time to 'read' - because I was too busy reading and studying for classes. Like most, I have preferences to what I read for 'fun' (I typically don't count reading for work as 'fun') - I enjoy murder mysteries, books about sports, romance novels (not the trashy kind - the ones with a plot), Christian-living books, and the occasional biography (although - the only biographies I typically read are sports biographies - haha)

(Complete side note - if you like to read sports biographies - I highly suggest Beyond Belief - Josh Hamilton's story, and Coming Back Stronger - Drew Brees's autobiography. I read each of them in a day - and re-read them both (I think I've read Josh's book three full times now). GREAT reads!)

Among my list of goals for the new year (more to come in a post by the end of the week), I have challenged myself to read 35 books. Like I said, I read all the time, and typically have at least two books going at a time; that being said, I am not really sure if I am overestimating my abilities or underestimating. I guess time will tell.

One of my *endearing* traits is that I love books. Bookstores are my kryptonite. I actually ban myself from Half-Price books because I walk in for one thing (which they usually don't have) and walk out with about 5 new books (or more) each time. Thus, I have a lot of books on my shelves at work and at home that I have yet to read. Go figure. I had planned to just read those, as well as a few I had picked up toward the end of December, and just go from there. My plan was to read whatever I found interesting at the time. Then....that plan changed. You see, I have gotten into the habit of reading a lot of mindless fiction. Books that I call 'bathtub books' (most of the world calls them "beach reads" but that term depresses me that I can't read them at the beach, so I renamed them!). While they are great, and have helped me establish a nightly routine that has eliminated the inability to fall asleep fast. However...to pick 35 mindless books is not really a challenge, is it? And what would I have gained at the end of the year...not much. So....the plan is to mix it up. I have thus far picked 25 of the 35 (with the disclaimer that I may change a few) - 19 of which I already have on my bookshelves. I am completely open for suggestions on the other books of course - and hope to keep you posted on my progress and may even enlighten you with a book review or two (as long as I don't start having flashbacks of high school English!).

Oh, and the other kicker of the challenge? I will not be buying any books. Why, you might ask? Good question. It's not because I wanted to add another layer of the challenge - although that is certainly a result. The reason I will not be buying any books is that I have also challenged myself to a year long spending freeze. *Gasp!!* Yes, no spending money on books. I promise I'll write more about this in my "Goals of 2011" post. So...anyone wanting to buy me Amazon.com gift cards, just message me and I'll send you my address - haha! Just kidding. Kind of. Ok, yes, I'm kidding. I have this all figured out.....famous last words..... In actuality, I will need to come up with 16 books that I want to read that I do not currently own. I'm thinking that between the public library, the school library (cool perk of working for a college), my mom's church library, and beg/borrowing/stealing from friends, that finding 19 books won't be too hard. Both the public library and the school library have inter-library loan which means if they don't have what I'm looking for, they can usually get it from another library.

So...here's to the first challenge of 2011, and the list of my intended:

Books currently on my shelf:

Plan B - Pete Wilson

Unspeakable - Sandra Brown

Women and Money - Suze Orman

Love Me, Never Leave Me - Marilyn Meberg

Crazy Love - Francis Chan

Forgotten God - Francis Chan

Between Sundays - Karen Kingsbury

The Omnivore's Dilemma - Michael Pollan

Forty Million Dollar Slaves - William Rhoden

The Bullpen Gospels - Dirk Hayhurst

The Kite Runner - Khaled hosseini

His Brother's Keeper - Johathan Weiner

Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston

Hunting for Hope - Scott Russell Sanders

Why Good Things Happen to Good People - Stephen Post & Jill Neimark

Living a Life that Matters - Harold S. Kushner

The Dumbest Generation - Mark Bauerlein

Covering - Kenji Yoshino

Black Like Me - John Howard Griffin

Books I don't have yet -

Tick Tock - James Patterson (Michael Bennett series - out on Jan 24)

10th Anniversary - James Patterson (Women's Murder Club series - out on May 2)

Freedom - Jonathan Franzen

Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter - Tom Franklin

The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - Siddhartha Mukherjee

The Christian Atheist - Craig Groeschel

Do you have any fun challenges in mind for 2011 or any books you're planning on reading?

Everything and Nothing....2010 in Review

2010-12-31T07:58:00.000-08:00

I have everything and nothing all at once. Yes, I'm just cool like that.

This year has been life changing. Nothing short of incredible. Yet, when the clock strikes midnight on Friday night, I'll be 31 and single. Yup....everything and nothing.

All in all, 2010 has been a great year for me. I started the year with a job interview in January that turned into a job back in Texas. I left Kansas City in May and moved home. I was apprehensive at first - I felt like I was giving up a lot of freedom to move back. It is liberating to live in a city 'alone' and I loved that aspect of KC, but the draw of family brought me back.

When I started my job in May, there were a lot of changes I had to adjust to. First and foremost - a commute. I had a nine minute commute in Kansas City....in Texas, it is 45 minutes - minimum. That also meant that I had to start getting up earlier. I'm not a morning person, and I love my sleep - so this has been an adjustment. I also moved into a position that was pre-existing. Prior to this, all of the jobs I have had were new positions that I was able to create and develop - that is my forte. In addition, I had a boss. A real boss....and that was a challenge. I am used to reporting to someone, but not really being 'supervised' on a daily (or hourly) basis. The other challenge on the work front - I didn't have an office. Early on, I was in the main office with the admin, student employees, and all the traffic.

How quickly things changed! My boss left in July - she took early retirement from the university - and we moved into our new building in July - so I finally had my office. From there, the wild and crazy ride began. I have certainly learned the things I love about my job and the things I could live without. It is helping me shape my goals and direction for the future, which is good. Before moving back, I really didn't have clear 5 year career goals. I am starting to define those more each day. More on that another time.

Outside of work, things have never been better. 2010 has been good to me. I have escaped a lot of negativity I felt like I dealt with in the midwest. I have spent a lot of time with my family. I would not trade the past eight months for anything in the world. Some of the things I have enjoyed in the past eight months:

Mother's day with my mom
Sadie's birthday (and not having to fly in for it!)
Pool time with the kids and watching Sadie really swim
A girl's weekend with Denise in Austin - complete with Sixth Street & tubing on the river
Dawson's first birthday party
Getting to see Christen and Autumn this summer
Memorial Day & Labor Day at the lake
Too many Ranger's games to count
Going to Ranger's playoff games - and a WORLD SERIES Game!
Seeing Tim McGraw in concert....Twice!
Big XII Championship game in Cowboy's Stadium
Homecoming in Stillwater with Jess and her family
Catching up with old friends
Spending time with my cousins and aunts (and uncles)
Going to the Showcase college basketball games with my dad
A strengthened and renewed relationship with my Heavenly Father

I could probably go on an on....just looking at the list overwhelms me with the blessings that I have been entrusted with. I have an incredible family, and I am lucky that I enjoy spending time with them and have the opportunities to spend time with them that I do.

I do my best not to take any of it for granted. I do my best to focus on the positives each and every day. I do my best to count my blessings. I have everything a person could ever need.

Yet, when I lay down at night, there is always the haunting feeling that I have nothing. Some of my strongest desires are not met. Some of my most heartfelt, deepest prayers have not been answered yet. I am a 31 year old, single woman - and I'll do you one better - I haven't been on a date since I was in high school. Yup. And that was only once. I never would have pictured my life this way. What single 30-something would? When my head hits the pillow at night, or when I sit still long enough to let my mind and body rest, if I allow my mind to lose focus (which I admit, happens a lot), all the insecurities and inadequacies and doubts slam me in the face. It is then that I say I have nothing.

So at the end of 2010, the year in which I have made one of the biggest changes of my adult life, the year in which I have experienced more blessings than I dare ask, the year in which I have loved deeper and stronger than ever, the year in which I really 'got' what God was all about....at the end of this year, I stand alone. I stand lonely. But I will continue to stand clinging to the promises He has given me. Better yet, I will not stand at all....I will choose to kneel and cling to the promises. May I be found worthy.....

Christmas 2010

2010-12-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2010 has come and gone. This is the first Christmas since I moved to college that I have been home for all of the preparations and did not have to travel at all. What an incredible blessing!

Our Christmas was low-key this year, but the season was full of family and love. I started the season feeling less than excited for Christmas for a few different reasons. The end of the semester is one of the busiest times for me, and for the first time in years, I worked until 5:00pm (really 5:30, but who's counting) on the 23rd. I love Christmas because of the message and the magic, but it really is different when there aren't children around. That's a lot of what had me down prior to the holiday. I'll just go ahead and say it - as much as I love and cherish my family and wouldn't trade them for the world - being single at Christmas just sucks.

So....I made sure my season was f~u~l~l! haha From Thanksgiving weekend through Christmas day seems like a whirlwind. I've decided it would be much easier if I didn't work. Food for thought. Or wishful thinking. Take your pick.

Some of the pre-Christmas activities around here:

Attending the Dallas Symphony Orchestra with special guest Michael W. Smith - it was awesome. That's the only word that can be used. I went with my mom, cousin, and my mom's friend. We had dinner before the performance, and our seats were in the choir loft behind the orchestra so we were able to see everything. Simply breathtaking and a perfect way to start the season.

Sadie's Christmas program at school. This was the first year I have been able to attend, and I was so impressed. The great thing about going to a church school is the Christmas program is actually about Jesus - not Santa. Afterwards, the school had a 'reception' for the kids with cake and punch. I felt so blessed to be a part.

At the reception after the performance - please note my mom's incredible ability to take candid pictures of me ;-)
Decorating the house with a little of my own flair. After decorating my own place for the past few years, it was fun to blend some of my personal style with my mom's while incorporating some of our traditions as well. I was pleased with the outcome, and already have a lot of ideas for next year!

Pampered Chef party at our house. My mom and I booked a Pampered Chef party back in early fall for the first weekend of December. I had never hosted a party like that before, and it was so much fun! We did a make-and-take candy party - four stations of candies (chocolate dipped pretzel sticks, pecan turtles, pink ice (peppermint chocolate), and Oreo balls. Yummo.

End of the semester pot-luck at work. Man, did we have a lot of food. I was blown away with the cooking skills of some of my co-workers, and we enjoyed a great time of fellowship and food away from the hustle and bustle of the telephones and people coming in.

ICE Exhibit then dinner at the Gaylord Texan with the family. It was cool (pun intended). This year's theme was Charlie Brown Christmas, and the whole concept was fascinating to me. The entire exhibit was made of ice and was housed in a tent kept at 9 degrees! Thankfully we had friends go the day before us and warned us that although they hand out parkas, you still need something for your head and hands. I am not a fan of the cold, so I appreciated the warning. We had a great afternoon as a family - exploring the exhibit, sliding down the ice slide, admiring the decorations in the hotel, then enjoying dinner at one of the hotel's restaurants.

Time with my Gran-Gran. My mom's mother - my only living grandparent - joined us for Christmas this year; we are truly blessed. She was here when I got home from work on the 23rd, and left on the 28th. We had a great time of fellowship, shopping, looking at Christmas lights, and playing games each evening. We spend Christmas eve at North Park mall looking at decorations and eating Chinese food, then went to church together.

Unexpected and fun visit with old friends. Ian called the week before Christmas to say that he was in town for a class, so I was able to spend an evening catching up with him and Jason - both college friends. It had been many years, and was like putting back a missing piece of a puzzle.

Annual pilgrimage to Neimans downtown to look at decorations. Mom and I try to go down there every year, and have yet to be disappointed. This year they partnered with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and the bigs and littles created the decorations. They also partnered with design students from the University of North Texas to design some of their trees. As I have no creative bone in my body, I was more than impressed with their creations.

Through all of this, I was busy trying to make homemade gifts for some friends and family, as well as being incredibly busy at work. Right before we left we hired a new Learning Specialist who will start on Jan 3rd and have completed all the phone interviews for our new director. Things are progressing with the staffing of our center, and I am anxious to see the changes that take place in 2011.

I'm sure there is more, but I can't think of it right now. I can say without a doubt that I have never felt more blessed. My brother and I decided months ago that we did not want to do gifts as a family because the experiences we have had with our parents this year are priceless. I would not trade the past eight months for any gift in the world. Instead of filling our Christmas morning with loads of presents, our day was spent eating omelets (a tradition in our house), playing games, then going to the Cousin's for dinner with my Aunt & Uncle, and my Cousin and her family and gifts with the kids.

Opening & trying on the skirt and shirt I made her.

Another example of my mom's candid photos of me - haha

All and all, Christmas 2010 was wonderful. I love the constant reminder of the One who we celebrate. As cliche as it sounds, it is my prayer for myself and for each of you that you keep a little Christmas in your heart all year long.

Arguing about God

2010-12-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

I learned my lesson a long time ago about arguing WITH God....but arguing ABOUT God is such a different story. I told a friend today that I wasn't going to talk to them about God anymore. How Christian of me, right? Truth be told? I didn't feel bad for saying it - in fact, I felt rather relieved.

It seems I have a lot of friends struggling with life and relationships right now. It breaks my heart to see, and as a problem solver, I always want to step in and fix those problems. However, it is not my place to fix it all. This is something I am learning (sometimes better than other times). The hardest part is when it appears the problems/issues have been brought on by conscious decisions. It makes me sad and frustrated. The most frustrating part is blaming God.

One of my best friends is from a background almost as different from mine as possible. At first, it was the differences that helped the friendship grow. Our first conversation, almost 8 1/2 years ago was about God. He was struggling with the end of a long relationship and through mutual friends was told that I had good insight and strong faith. (What a compliment at the time.) As our initial conversation took shape, it was clear to me that we had different views on God. The basics were the same - belief in the Bible, that Jesus was the Son of God, and salvation is through Christ. Everything else had different twists/spins on it. This was one of the first times in my sheltered life that I had experienced someone who did not believe in God that way that I do.

Over the next eight and half years, a friendship grew. At times it was healthy and positively challenging, too frequently it was co-dependent and unhealthy. I learned a lot about myself during those years - but from the friendship and from the places that God had me during those times. There were a lot of days (...weeks...months....even years) that I pushed God away. I got tired of the frustration of the people around me and what I perceived as God not answering prayers, so after many (0ne-way) conversations with God about my frustrations and his lack of changing things, I just quit praying all together. Real mature on my part, right? haha

One of the best things I have ever done for myself was move back to Texas this May. I had known in my heart for a while that it was time to move, and despite my desires to explore the world and look to live elsewhere, I knew all along that the first step to getting back on track was to move 'home' (literally!). That meant, however, leaving behind my home of the past 7 years, good friends, amazing coworkers, a lifestyle befitting of my severe introversion, and the proximity of my best friend. It was hard. It has been hard. It has also been amazing.

God brought me right where I needed to be (geographically) so that He and I can bring me where I need to be spiritually and emotionally. Am I there yet? Geographically, yes; Spiritually and Emotionally, not yet. That's okay; it's a process. I am loving the changes I am seeing in myself. I sleep so much better at night. I have less guilt. I love deeper. I appreciate small things more. I have less stress. And above all, I have a better understanding of God and my personal relationship with him.

For the first time, I truly understand that God is and should be different for everyone. I am comfortable with that. We all pray differently, we can read the same passage of the Bible and get something different out of it, we can experience the same situation and come out with different understandings and meanings. God is amazing like that.

Funny thing about all of this is, the more I become comfortable with God in this sense, and the more at peace I feel, the more I see those around me struggling. I'm sure it was there all along, but my selfishness had blinded me to it. Now, my eyes are opened a little more.

So, back to this friend. He is again struggling with a difficult relationship. It is much easier, yet harder at the same time, to be experiencing this from 500 miles away. This has become one of the most frustrating experiences in a long time, and it is ongoing. First of all, it is hard to see a friend hurting. It is hard when you can not do anything to ease someone else's pain. It is hard when some of their pain comes at the hands of another person. What is really, really, really hard is the constant blaming of God. I can not handle that. I don't know how to answer someone who says "well, this is what God wants for my life, so this is how it is," or "God wants me to be miserable, so I am." I mean....where do people come up with this stuff? I think it stems from the "Genie in a bottle" Matthew 7:7 theory of God - whatever I ask for, I'll get. Like that's all there is to it. Imagine a world where that theory held up - I ask God for a million dollars, and I get it - because I asked. I asked God for a husband - and *poof* there he is - because I asked. I asked God for children - *poof* a house full.

There is so much more to it then that. I have tried and tried and tried to explain my perception and what I think. I might as well beat my head against a wall.
The God I believe in wants me to seek HIM with my whole heart. I believe that my God wants me to prosper - but not in the material sense that I have so long wanted to believe. My God desires for me to know him fully and seek a greater understanding of Him - not for my days on earth, but so I can fellowship with him and inherit all He has for me in eternity. I have chosen to read a little further from Matthew 7:7 - verse 21 says "Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." To me, it is pretty cut and dry. I guess you just have to be ready to listen and receive.

What a frustrating last few weeks it has been. I have let this situation creep into some of my other insecurities. I do not for a minute doubt my faith, but I have doubted my ability to express my faith. I have doubted my level of friendship. When I said last night I would no longer talk to this person about God, I even doubted my devotion and level of commitment to God. I sat across the table from my mom at lunch the other day (P.F. Changs - yummo) - and told her how frustrated I was because I felt like this one person was trying to steal my joy. How sad. I know that is not the entire truth - and I know this person is not being malicious in his words. He is merely struggling to find answers. Here's where I get to a part not everyone may agree with. I don't necessarily feel it is my place to 'teach' him these answers. Aside from my frustration, I feel strongly that women are not meant to teach men in matters of spirituality. That's not to say that I would never answer a question or point someone in a certain direction, but I don't feel that it is my place to teach him and be that support for him. I have time and again encouraged him to talk to a pastor or another man. I have even given suggestions as to who and even offered to make phone calls to set things up. Nope - he's having none of that.
I'm at my witt's end. I don't know what else to do except continue to pray. I have decided that some people just want an easy answer and want God to be 'easy' for them. I don't know what else to do.

At what point is it being selfish? At what point is it giving up? Is self-preservation a smart move? What about those you leave behind? I'm confused, frustrated, and done at this point.

December....wow

2010-12-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

Remember how I was going to post more? Yeah...see how that's turned out so far?!?!? I started this post about three weeks ago. I'm going to do better....really, I am.

Welcome to December, the month that I cry more than any other month. It doesn't take much to make me tear up on any other day really, but December....the whole month takes the cake.

Let's start with Jesus (a naturally good place to start!). Of course I think of Jesus every other month, we're on a first name basis, and talk frequently. But in December....well, in December, lot's of other people are thinking about him too. He's everywhere. (Ok...I know he's everywhere all the other days too, but you get the point). It brings a smile to my heart and I just want to shout from the rooftops how much I love Jesus!

And another thing.....I have been overwhelmed this season with the commercial aspect of Christmas. I am not anti-Santa (yet) or anti-gift giving, but my heart has been burdened this year. I don't know if it is living back in Dallas (a very materialistic and shopping-centered city) or if it is my line of work, or God working on my heart, or all of the above and then some. Bottom line, I look one way and see greed and materialism and I look the other way and see devastating need despair. It is overwhelming and consumes my thoughts these days.

I know a lot of people who are hurting this year. Not just around Christmas but with life in general. It is painful to watch. I am blessed that the Lord's protection is on me during this time. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am right where I am supposed to be. What I am trying to figure out is why I am in this position to witness all of the pain and hurting. I feel helpless. In this season of giving and loving, I feel like my love is not enough. It isn't. I wish I could will Jesus on those who are hurting, but I can't. I can't force anyone to turn to him or to believe in him. I can not require anyone to make Him the center of their life, the passion that drives everything they do.

But I can do that for myself. And I can offer my prayers. And my shoulders. And my ears. And my checkbook. And my love.

December...wow.

Time to get real

2010-10-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

I don't blog a lot. I always promise I will blog more, and I think of things to write all the time, but truth be told, I'm hesitant to write. When I first started this blog, no one read it, which was perfectly fine with me - it wasn't for them anyway. Then, as I went through my surgery and recovery process, more people started reading. That was great. It then became a place that I could update about my pending move and job change. Well, that's over. So now what?
I don't have an amazing story. I don't have any dramatic or traumatic life events. I have the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart. My daily struggles, my mini triumphs. I have a God I love, a great family, a job I think I'm good at, a long commute, and a dog. That's about it. The words I do have and often desire to write about, I hesitate with because I am not sure I am comfortable with everyone reading or knowing about. Just being honest. I had a twitter conversation with a friend not too long ago about how comfortable it is to share these thoughts and feelings with virtual strangers, but how weird it often feels to know that family and/or some friends might be reading. I think the bottom line is that I am a pretty private person. I think constantly (not exaggerating!) but I don't like to share those thoughts. There can repercussions when someone knows what you are thinking, and what you are feeling. I also do not always like to be asked about stuff. I might want to say something about feeling frustrated, or lonely, or excited, or nervous, but that's just want it is. A statement. Once you put it out there, people know about it, and then the follow up questions start. For some reason that makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I've even pretty much stopped sharing on Facebook, and have considered blocking some people on my Twitter for these same reasons. Weird enough, what I have found is it is different over email or blog comments.
That being said, there are some things I am just going to get over. I want to blog, so dang it, I'm going to. I'll warn you now, some days it might not be pretty. Some days I might contradict myself. And most days it will not be interesting to you. Oh, well. It's my blog, and you have already been warned that I lead a pretty dull life.

So...why not start this off with a bang, huh? Below is an excerpt of an email I wrote to a friend a while back. I think it explains a lot about me. My friend/mentor Carol posted on her Facebook asking for stories of God's faithfullness. Like I said, I don't have any dramatic life stories - no terminal illnesses, no loss of a job, nothing like that at all, so at first I didn't think I had anything to contribute. BUT....God is faithful all the time - not just in the drama, and that thought stayed with me for a couple of weeks. One day over my lunch break (which I rarely take...) I sat down at the computer and just started typing. This is what came out (slightly edited because orginally there was a lot of rambling):

My story of God’s faithfulness is not spectacular like some people’s. I have never had a horrific or tragic incident in my life. I grew up in an incredible Christian home with two parents who are as much in love now as they were when they married 37 years ago. We weren’t wealthy growing up, but we weren’t poor. I have always been loved and provided for. I am blessed. I came to know God at an early age, and have never once doubted his existence or love. As many people, I struggled through my teenage years to determine if my faith was indeed my own or if it was my parents'; come to find out, it was my own, with a little tweaking as I grew into my own person and set of beliefs. I have both a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree, and have always had a good job. On the surface I should have no complaints. However, I struggle. Daily I struggle with one thing many people take for granted. Despite my best efforts or best intentions, despite the words of many, I struggle. My constant battle each and every day is to be happy. It sounds so simple, but to me, it is a large ocean I navigate every minute of every day. Some days the ocean is calm and I become confident things will remain that way; other days the ocean is full of large, crashing waves and I fight to keep my head above the water. On the average days, the waves are not as large, but exhausting nonetheless.
When I think about my life, the things I imagine/imagined for myself, and the reality of where I have been and where I am, many things do not match up. I love people – I love to be around people, to help people, to encourage people, and to spend time with people. I have always desired to have close, significant relationships with others – great groups of friends; kindred spirits to walk through life with. I have always longed to be a part of a group. The reality of my life is nothing like this ideal. For many reasons, most of which I do not know or understand, I have always been on the outside. I have never been one of the ‘popular’ kids – at school or youth group, or even as I got older, but I always had friends in every group. However, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. In college, I know a lot of people. I was instrumental (or rather God was instrumental through me) in introducing many people who became lifelong friends themselves. I watched as friends I knew became part of a group with other friends I knew, but I always felt like I was on the outside. Maybe no one else saw it, but it contributed to my feelings of being lost and alone, and caused a lot of pain. Through my whole life I have trusted God. I have clung to his words and his promises – promises to never leave me or forsake, words spoken over me reminding me that he has a future for me, plans that he has made specifically for ME. I pray for that and cling to it every day – otherwise the waves will take over, I will lose my battle and sink into that huge ocean of depression and despair.
Now you know the ugly truth – the me that I don’t let people see. You see, I am very good at putting up appearances. I don’t ever want to be the trouble maker, the person who calls attention to myself, or the person who pulls attention away from someone who truly needs it. I know there are people all over the world hurting even more than me, so I push my hurts and pains away, ignoring them and trying not to expose them. I desire someone to rescue me from my pain – to throw me a lifeboat if you will, but I don’t want to take someone else’s place in the lifeboat, because they need it more than me.
I put on a good face when I am around others, and I say all the right things at church. But truth be told? Acting this way challenges faith more than I could ever have imagined.

Since I am being honest here, I have thrown myself in to my work. With a lack of significant relationships, my job is the one place I can see tangible evidence that I have been productive and worthwhile. I sometimes work 60 hours a week so that I can feel like I have made an impact somewhere – but truth be told, I don’t even love my job. I want more than anything to be happy, and I fight for it every day. I have overwhelming desires and needs that I think are not being met. I desire and long for love and acceptance.I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will make a good wife and mother – my heart aches and longs for that opportunity, but I’m 31 years old and have't been on a date since high school.

I know my story is not very touchy-feely, and it doesn’t have a warm and fuzzy ending – yet. I am still very much a work in progress. I tell you all of this because I know deep down that the truest testament of God’s faithfulness is living inside of me. I can feel it every day. He has NEVER left me, and I have never felt completely alone – even in my darkest hours (and there have been many), I could feel his presence in my life. When I have put myself in destructive situations, he has saved me. When I put myself in harm’s way, he has reached down and orchestrated my safety. He has a future planned for me, and a destiny far greater than this world could ever promise. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know who my God is and what he can do. I don’t know what his plans for me are, but I know that he has them – I have seen the evidence in my life. In the midst of the drowning waves of the ocean, I know He is with me.

So, yeah, there it is. That's me. Those are my thoughts. And some of my actions.

Light Bulbs, Ah-has, and/or Fireworks

2010-10-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot lately, and I've been thinking a lot lately. You have a lot of time to think when you average two hours in the car a day. I usually listen to sports radio, and lately they have been playing an "I Am Second" commercial featuring clips of Josh Hamilton's video. It is powerful. You can watch it here - I'm warning you, it's powerful. The word that really stands out during the commercial is "Surrender". I've literally heard it three or four times a day for the past month or two. Funny how it sometimes takes you a while to hear something, ya know? But this word...it wouldn't leave me alone. I'd be thinking about something totally different or working on something, and that word would pop into my head.
In most cases, it doesn't take me long to figure something out. I typically look at an issue/problem/challenge, and the solution just hits me. Or so it seems. This time, the word had to work its way into my brain before I fully figured it out. It took me going to the website and watching the whole video. In it, he says:

"You can do with me what you want to do with me, but I Surrender......"

WOW. Light bulb moment. Ah-ha moment. Fireworks going off. What ever you want to call it. For the first time, this Southern-Baptist-raised-church-every-Sunday-and-Wednesday-camp-every-summer girl realized what it truly means to surrender.
And it just keeps coming....
The next night as I was falling asleep, I was in that stage where I was more asleep than awake, but still had conscious thoughts, and something else hits me...at that moment, if someone were to ask me what I desired more than anything in this world, or what my deepest passion is, the answer I would have to give them is "to be a wife and mother".
Whoops. Light bulbs, fireworks, ah-ha - here we go again. (Needless to say, I didn't fall right to sleep at this point!)

Somewhere along the way, I got it all confused. I convinced myself or decided that surrendering meant I "gave my life to Christ" as in, I'm not going to hell when I die. And that if I loved him and said I loved him, it was okay to have other passions and other desires. The thing is, I know better than this. I've always known better than this, it just wasn't 'clicking' with me. So, it's back to square one - although, it's not really square one. I've got a lot more perspective and experience backing me up.

Surrender. Fully Surrender. Do what ever you want with my life, Lord. I fully surrender. I surrender my desires. I surrender my wants. If you desire for me to be single, I will serve you. I surrender. If your desire is not for me to have children. I surrender. If your desire is for me to have the job I have. I surrender. I fully surrender.

For the past few days, I have repeated some songs over and over in my heart -

Clay Crosse's "I Surrender All":
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by
the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory
'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours
Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all
If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay
down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

Judson W. Van DeVenter's hymn "I Surrender All": (How many Sundays have I sung this song in my life without every fully 'knowing' and owning the words?)
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

So much more I want to share, but I am very overwhelmed. I want to share about some of the things I have been reading, because I am so amazed at how I am being fed by nontraditional methods. However, I want to take a minute to thank someone, because she said the right thing at the right time. I have been frustrated and discontent for a while, and those feelings were growing stronger every day. To the point where I have been thinking about making huge life changes - although I just made some HUGE life changes! I posted on twitter one day (Sept 20 to be exact) "I'm in a funk. It has lasted three months. Need solutions. Need inspiration. Have motivation. Need direction." Megan replies to me - "Are you doing church? Getting fed?". She might as well have hit me between the eyes with a 2x4...! So, thanks Megan - I owe you one...BIG Time.

It's getting late and I need to leave the office, so I'll wrap this up with the promise of more soon (I finally have wireless internet at home, so I'm on the computer more - finally!).

Until then...the goal - To Love the Lord, MY God, with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind! (Luke 10:27)

Growing up is hard to do

2010-08-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to Kansas City for a quick visit with my friends, and to help finalize everything with the house since the lease was up at the end of July. It was a very bittersweet trip.
To break up the trip on the way up, I decided to stop by Stillwater and Lawrence to take pictures of the campus so I could decorate my new office with campus photos. It as a great road trip, and I enjoyed the much needed alone time in the car. After I left Lawrence, I headed up to Smithville to have dinner and some lake time with Liz and Aaron. Tons of fun and good conversation. Saturday was spent doing things around the house and catching up with my best friend, then Sunday night I had a much needed dinner with Sari before she and her family move to Chicago. Then Sunday night was a great surprise dessert with Byron! He was in town from STL, and it was SO good to catch up with him. Monday I had set aside time to visit with everyone at the office, starting with an early breakfast with Cathy. After our almost 2.5 hour breakfast, I was able to quickly catch up with everyone in the office. As I was leaving, my heart ached because I realized how much I miss them all. I work with some pretty great people at UTA, but none of them are the friends I have left behind. The rest of Monday was equally hard, saying goodbye for the last time to the house I loved, saying goodbye to my best friend were excruciating. I cried pretty much the whole way home. And was weepy most of the week too. Growing up and moving on is hard, but I just keep reminding myself why I made this change. I know that I am here for a reason, I just have to keep my eyes on my goals. That's not going to change the fact that I deeply miss all of my friends, but who know what the future holds in Texas!

My favorite quote

2010-07-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

"Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In college, I had this quote taped to my desk in my dorm room, and later in my apartment. When I got my first 'real' job at KU, I put it on my bulletin board in my office. It reminded me of my 'philosophy of education', and I liked how it made me feel when I read it, and how I related it to my chosen career field. You see, when you go to interview for jobs in higher education, they will always ask you what your philosophy of education is. My philosophy is that everyone is an individual - that every person who walks into my office brings with them a unique set of circumstances, backgrounds, issues, and ideas. In my work with them, I prefer to focus on their individuality and in that, I seek to treat them as if they already are what they could be. When I have a freshman in my office who is failing a course, I don't focus on their failure - I focus on the success that they are capable of.

As I unpacked my new office last week, I came across this quote again. It made me pause, and I realized I we should use this philosophy in every day life.

I have learned....

2010-07-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

....that you CAN always go home again
....that you're never too old to let your parent's spoil you
....that no matter where I have lived, the South is where I belong
....that I love the person I am
....that patience really does pay off
....that God IS in control (...not Rebecca)
....that there are so many things bigger than me and my wants, needs, hurts, etc.
....that it feels good to stand up for myself and stand my ground
....that God IS in control...oh, I said that already? Well, it's true!

At the end of April, I packed up the past seven years of my life, left my house that I loved, left my best friend of eight years, the most amazing co-workers I have ever had, and some great friendships, and moved back home. Literally. Yup, I'm 30 and living with my parents. I'm gonna be honest, it was hard on me mentally at first. I left for college two days before I turned 18, and only really returned for one summer. I took pride in the fact that I was independent. I liked that I had anonymity in a city and no one checked up on where I was or asked where I was going. I liked doing a lot of things on my own. But....I missed my family. For a couple of years I had entertained the thought of moving back, but I think I liked the idea on paper more than the reality. However, there was this nagging and longing in my heart that wouldn't leave me alone. Last fall, I made the decision - I would move home with or without a job. If you know anything about me, you know that I am not good without a plan - haha - and this 'plan' wasn't really much of a plan! But, God being who He is....he came through and I have a job! It couldn't have worked out any better...and it continues to work out great.
So, the last week of April, my parents drove to KC, and then we all drove back to Texas.
Let me tell you, this has been one of the best decisions of my life. I really don't know why I resisted for so long. It has even been great living at home (and I'm not just saying this because my parents read my blog - haha!). Without having to deal with the upkeep of a household all on my own, coupled with a 45 minute one-way commute each day, I have had a lot of time to think, reflect, brainstorm, and just be still....and you know what I have learned? That God is bigger than me....that He is bigger than all of this. To anyone who knows me, there are two things that are apparent: I have a serious need to be in control, and there is nothing I want more in the world than to be a godly wife and mother. Ironically, those two don't work well together. Welcome to my world! You know what, though? God is bigger than both of them. We're (me and God) are working on me letting go of control....often through the little things. For example, I took an amazing first-ever girl's trip to Austin with my cousin/bestest friend (mom calls her's sister-cuz - that's a fitting explanation) this past weekend. Well, every road trip I have ever been on with anyone other than my dad, I have done most if not all of the driving....not this time. We took a car that I can't drive - never learned how to drive a standard! Just one of the small ways God is teaching me how to let go of some control. The other thing I am (re-)learning, I can't believe I ever let go of. Back in college and graduate school, I was blessed to sit under and learn from one of the most godly women I have ever known. I wanted to be like her in every way - as a woman, a wife, a mother, and a mentor. I quickly realized that it was the Jesus in her that I wanted to be so much like. I remember her telling me time and again that all I had to do was sit at His feet and stay in the Word and everything else would fall into place - that all I had to do was be so in love with Jesus that nothing else mattered, and he would take care of the rest. Well, Rebecca being Rebecca, I got away from that. Being in love with Jesus wasn't bringing my husband, or getting me any closer to having kids (in my mind at least), it wasn't getting me a promotion or a raise at work, it wasn't getting me any more vacation time, or any more friends, so I decided I had to do those things myself. Well, look how that worked out for me! So...back to square one - which I never should have left in the first place!
The past three months have been refreshing, renewing, and eye-opening. I'm SO glad to be back in Texas - and glad to be back at square one again.
More later...back to this pesky thing called a job - haha (I love it though...don't get me wrong!).
Happy FRIDAY!

"He who getteth wisdom loveth his own soul; he that keepeth understanding shall find good." Proverbs 19:8

Friday Funday???? Not so much...

2010-03-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

You know how everyone dreads Mondays? I dread Fridays. Seriously. I told you I was strange, remember? I love Mondays, it is a fresh start to a whole new week. It holds a certain promise of things to come. Fridays on the other hand, are the exact opposite. My usual thought on Friday is "Oh, crud, I haven't gotten to this all week and I've got to get it done today!" Thus, my lack of affection for Fridays!
There are a couple of good things about Friday, though, and that the the quiet calm that falls over my office and the promise of the pending weekend. You see, college students love Fridays, and do their best not to schedule anything on Fridays, so I get a break in the action!! I usually come in on Friday mornings and fly through tasks that have been interrupted all week. Lucky me!
So, I am bring productive, and it feels so refreshing! I am getting files cleaned and organized, lists made, and tasks checked off the ever-present to-d0 list.
Top that off with a beautiful 50 degree sunny day in Kansas City, and I am a happy lady!

Choices

2010-03-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

You hear all your life that the most popular choices are not always the right choices. That to do what is best is often difficult. I've been experiencing that a lot lately. I have made a huge decision to move. I am looking forward to a new job, new challenges professionally, new opportunities and outlets for my creativity, being closer to my family, essentially establishing the next chapter in my life. I am excited about it, but it is also difficult. Parts of me are torn and will be for a while.
When you leave a place that you have been settled into for so long, it is hard. I have made the right choice, but in some instances, it is not the popular one. Even within my own thoughts sometimes. My brain runs 100 miles an hour, it often runs in five directions at once. One direction is the excitement, the other direction is nerves and anxiety, there is a separate direction for relationships that will be disrupted, torn, and severed.
This is a difficult time. I'm trying to finish one chapter while I'm starting another. This chapter has been long and complex and is full of memories, emotions, love, and security. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm hurting. I'm anxious. I'm hopeful. I'm excited. I'm blessed. I'm human......

Just Listen, Rebecca!

2010-02-16T18:48:00.000-08:00

If you know me, you can imagine I have heard that line a million times in my life. I figure there are two main times a person is told to/urged to listen - when a solution is needed, or when a mistake is made. Honestly, I don't like to listen, unless I ask a question. When it comes to the first scenario - when a solution is needed - I am a problem solver; a figure-it-out-er. I would rather come up with my own solution than listen to someone else's. To be honest, I usually think my solution is best anyway. Not to be arrogant, but I rarely make rash decisions, I look at situations from multiple angles, and often times I can look at a situation and figure out a solution by just looking at it. When it comes to the other scenario - when a mistake has been made -I'll just be honest again - I don't like my mistakes pointed out. I'm sure I have some deep psychological issue that leads to this, but from my perspective, I'm a perfectionist. I take my actions seriously, and I do everything I can to keep from making a mistake, and when I do make mistakes (which is often - I may be honest, but I'm not delusional!), I usually catch them quickly.

So, all that being said, I don't like to listen. I'm not very good at it - just ask my parents! So these last few weeks have been very interesting for me. I have been hearing god's voice in some of the most obscure places and circumstances. What is so interesting about it is that all during college and my early adulthood, I remember being so frustrated because people would always say they 'heard' God's voice. I never felt like I experienced that. Sure, I would recognize things in readings or could hear through another person's words or teachings, but I always felt like I was on the outside of something that everyone else had experienced. It was very frustrating for me, and I even read books on the topic of 'hearing God'. Then, for a few years after that, I stopped trying to listen all together. I was frustrated with my life circumstances, and I figured that if I hadn't heard him before then, it just wasn't going to happen. Silly, me!

Suffice it to say, some major things have been going on in my world lately, and I could not imagine trying to make the decisions I had had to make without listening! What has truly blown me away about the whole process is that I have been given a peace about much more than I could have every imagined. It is amazing what happens when you just listen!

Breaking the silence.....

2010-02-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

There is a very legitimate reason for my lack of posting on my blog in the past month. SO much has been going on, but until now, I feel it was in my best interest to keep it off the internet. I'll write this post how I like to read things - first the news, then the details! So...for the news (if you do not yet know):

I'm moving to TEXAS!!!!!!

Ok, now that that is out of the way....haha! I have accepted a job at the University of Texas - Arlington effective May 4th. I have always said that I will know when it is time to move back home, and for the past year I have felt that time rapidly approaching. At one point, I made a decision that I would move at the end of the semester even if I had not found a job. However...as He always does, God had a plan of his own! When this job came along in late October, I wasn't serious looking because I wanted to wait until the end of the school year. However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity, so I applied. Lots of pieces fell into place - including the morning after I saw the job posting the supervisor of the new job called my current supervisor about the job. The new position is working with a program called Supplemental Instruction, and the center I work in at UMKC is the International Center for SI. I had a phone interview between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and went down for an in-person interview the Friday before MLK Day.

I am excited about being closer to family, and I am looking forward to this career move. This has not been an easy decision for me; in fact, I think this has been the most difficult decision I have ever had to make on my own. I will leave behind some amazing co-workers, a program I have build from the ground up, friends that have become a second family, an amazing city that has four real seasons (!), and many other things. However, at the end of the day, my family is the most important thing to me, and to have an opportunity to be closer to them is priceless.

As the next ten weeks fly by, I have a lot of things to finish up in Kansas City....but on the other hand I have many things I am looking forward to.

When I told my director at work about my decision, he was incredibly supportive and encouraging. He even told me that the hardest part of the process was making the decision, but that once the decision is made, it will all be easier after that. Let me tell you...that is so true! I struggled for weeks and weeks about the decision, and experienced a few sleepless nights, but now I am feeling like my old self again. Even better, I can feel God's hand in all of this. I have been reading and praying and thinking a lot lately, and I can feel the Spirit moving. I can't wait to see where this all leads!

2010...what do you have in store?

2010-01-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2009.....hello 2010!

Wow, 2009 was quite a year. Looking back, it was more eventful than I originally gave it credit for. I moved to a new house; sweated out the loss of a job and change of job responsibilities; spent a week in Vegas, a couple of different week long trips to Texas, and a week in New York; celebrated and mourned my 30th birthday; had major, life changing surgery; gained three new baby cousins - Andrew, Keller, and Dawson; struggled with some life altering decisions; and many other things I can't think of right now!

To be honest, there were many times that 2009 was overwhelming, frustrating, and hard. There were other times that it was fun, carefree, and exciting. Through it all, I can look back and say I am truly blessed.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have given thought to New Year's Resolutions and their validity. I have never really made New Year's Resolutions, and if I did make any, I sure didn't stick with them long. Sure, there are many things I would like to do, and are on my list of things to accomplish/change. I want to do something cool; something great; something inspiring, or at least interesting. When people ask me what I've been up to, or what's been going on in my life, I want to have something to say other than - "oh, the usual; go to work, go home, repeat." I loved the movie Julie & Julia, and found it to be rather inspiring. I want to do something like that, only different. One thing I am certainly trying to incorporate into my every day life is to do things differently once in a while; branch out. It could be something as simple as buying a different kind of cheese (yes, I have done that) or trying a different kind of wine (doing that, too), or it could be more extreme (I'm still coming up with an extreme). I am toying with the idea of training for a half-marathon, but I'm still not sure about it. I haven't been doing a very good job of training for my 5Ks, so I'm not sold on this half-marathon thing yet. So, for 2010, here is my short list of "want tos":
I want to:

Try new things weekly
Try many new recipes (I always collect them, then don't try them!)
Continue to set monthly exercise goals and work to achieve them
Purge many things that have accumulated in my house
Write more hand-written notes to friends & family
Take more time for myself

On top of those, I'm hopeful for a major life change in 2010. I would love for 2010 to find me living south of the Red River once again. I'm not sure exactly how that will happen or when it will occur, but it is a goal. As I anticipate that transition, my heart is aching and hopeful at the same time. I love Kansas City, and I have met many great people here. My heart aches at the thought of leaving these relationships. However, I am hopeful for the future, and confident that this is the best decision for me and for my future.

What about you? What are you looking forward to in 2010?

Christmas in Dallas.....

2009-12-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

....is my favorite time of year!!!

I'm still recovering from an action packed Christmas! Mimi and I drove to Dallas this year so we would have more room to bring back presents (haha!). After a 7.5 hour drive complete with a Starbuck's latte, a book on tape, and two spills - my latte and Mimi's water - on my my white shirt, we made it to my parent's house. Every Christmas is fun and special, and this one was no different. I'll admit, I had a lot on my mind and a lot to do the weeks and days leading up to my trip, and I was feeling a little stressed, but once I got in the car a lot of that stress melted away. In addition to lots of family time and delicious food, some highlights of my trip were:

Seeing Christen and Andrew before they headed back to Boston. I'm so glad I got to see her before baby Rogers comes in the spring!!!
Spending time with my Aunt Tena, Uncle Steve, Courtney, Cody, Brayden, and Dawson (in addition to my family and Christen & Andrew) at El Fenix.
Enjoying the day with my Mom's family, including two of my great-aunts.
One-on-one time with my Gran-Gran (that doesn't happen too often in big families!)
Dinner with the Dabners and a heated game of Catch Phrase
Having a girls day starting with manis and pedis with my mom, then getting my hair cut and colored by my favorite stylist, then a girls night out.
Girl's night out with Denise at Fireside Pies, Urban Crust, and 32 Degrees Rooftop Bar.
Quality time with Sadie, Andrew, Denise, and Travis
A White Christmas in Dallas!!!! Beautiful Christmas Eve snowfall.
Fun family time with my dad's side of the family. Good food, conversation, and games.
After Christmas shopping at IKEA!
Watching Blindside
Getting snowed out of KC and returning a day late!

I hope you had a blessed holiday! I'm looking forward to the new year. God Bless.

Too Cute not to share!

2009-12-03T21:50:00.001-08:00

This is my newest baby cousin Dawson at Thanksgiving. He is the sweetest thing, and I loved my time snuggling with him. He is a doll, and my cousin Courtney is the best little mom!
I had a great time in Texas for the holiday, and I would blog about it, but all my pictures are on my mom's camera (that's a hint...!). However, this picture pretty much sums up how I like to spend my time - loving on all the babies in our family! It seems like we have a lot of babies around, but you don't see me complaining!!

It's that time of year again....

2009-11-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

With the holidays quickly approaching, the pace of life quickens with it! As with every year at this time, I enjoy the holidays and the activities that go along with them, but am not so fond of the weather. We have been enjoying unseasonably warm weather in Kansas City for the most part. We've had a few chilly days, and even some snow flurries, but alas....the cold will return soon!

As I prepare for the holidays, I'll share with you a little of what is going on around here lately.

Aside from the weather, I have found myself as busy as usual. Midterms have finally been graded and recorded, just in time for the students to turn in another paper. I'm scurrying to get those done before I leave for Thanksgiving, because they have a final paper due when I get back. Who wrote that syllabus anyway?????!!! haha

Football for the 4th graders is finally over - their season was longer than a high school season! We started in July and finished up last weekend. I served as the team "mom" - meaning I got to do all the administrative stuff like manage the money, sign up for tournaments, communicate all the practice and game schedules, team photos, drink sign up, and end of season party! After a rough start to the season, and a couple of rough games, or guys pulled out a great season. They won the tournament championship, and we celebrated with burgers and candy at Johnny's Tavern! I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the party was successfully over; even thought I miss seeing the kids and some of the parents a few times a week.

With my new found free time, I have been working long hours. It seems like no matter how much work I do, there is always a ton more to get done. That being said, there are many days I do not get very many tasks completed because I experience frequent interruptions. I don't mind them though; they are part of my job. I love meeting with and talking to students, so I try to devote time to every student who comes in our office, especially the ones that need help or are lost. This week has been a small blessing, though, because the students are on Fall Break. That means I'm getting tons of work done!

I am also enjoying cooking more than I have been in a long while. Since my surgery, my appetite is all over the place; some days I am extremely hungry so I snack a lot, and other days food does not interest me in any way. I really haven't been into cooking meals, or the nights I wanted to I was busy with football, so lately I'm enjoying having time to cook. This weekend I made some incredible Cranberry Crumb Bars from the goodLife eats blog - here. Oh....they are yummy! Then I made a quasi-traditional Thanksgiving meal for the roommate and myself. The roommate was traumatize by some poorly made Thanksgiving dishes last year (not made by me I should point out), and since I don't really get to cook for my family due to my travel arrangements, I thought it would be kind of fun. I made a Jenny-O turkey breast (there weren't turkeys small enough for two people!), stuffing, cheesy potatoes, green bean casserole, and wheat rolls. Then, I made an apple pie. Oh...it smelled so 'fallish' in my house this weekend!

Like I said, this week has been filled with checking tasks off my never ending to-do list. I've still got a lot to do, but tonight I'm headed to see my family!

Nothing says holidays like spending time with family. I'll fly in late tonight then drive west tomorrow to spend the day with my Gran-Gran, aunts, uncles, cousins, and my great-cousins. What's a great-cousin you might ask? Well, I have made that definition to describe my cousins children. It sounds a lot nicer and more familiar than 2nd cousin. I digress. We'll cook, eat, clean, watch football, and play games. I'm looking forward to it. Then I'll 'celebrate' Black Friday with my other cousin, and spend the day with my immediate family. Saturday my mom and I plan to participate in a 5K in the morning, then more family fun later in the day. I'll update you when I get back!

What Thanksgiving post would be complete without a list of things I am thankful for this year? I could go on for hours, but I'm supposed to be checking things off my to-do list, so here is everything I can think of in 3 minutes:
- My unmatchable family
- The relationships I have with some of my cousins (and their families and babies!)
- My job (sometimes I might not feel 100% that way, but I am very thankful to have a job when so many do not)
- The time I was able to spend with my Grandmother, Granddaddy, and Paw-Paw, and the time I am still able to spend with my Gran-Gran
- The marvels of modern medicine, and the amazing surgical procedure I was able to undergo
- My two best friends - one who lives close who has shown me what it means to be me, and the other who lives too far way in Indiana, but has taught me that friendship doesn't have to mean seeing each other every day, and it means loving each other for who you are
- Food, and the fact that I don't worry from day to day or meal to meal where I am going to get nourishment
- Freedom. To live, to decide, to move about, to worship, to be.
- My coworkers who make coming to work so much easier
- Education - not just because it is my job, but because it is so important to me. And liberating.
- Target and Kohls (just had to throw those out there to see if you were paying attention - but they are two of my favorite stores!!!)
- Technology - including: computers (w/spell check!), the internet, cell phones, pdas, iPods (which reminds me I need to charge mine for the flight), airplanes, cars, dvrs, tvs, email, etc.
- Sports - especially college basketball, football, and nfl, and golf, and whatever else. Yes, I am thankful for sports. It's a whole other post, but go with me on this one.

Ok, my three minutes are up. Have a great Thanksgiving!!!!

6 month update

2009-11-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

Thursday was my 6 month appointment with my surgeon. I hadn't been feeling too positive in the weeks leading up to the appointment because to be honest, my workouts have been lacking. Excuses are for another time, but I really feel like I wasn't doing as well as I should. Also, by this point, there is no more swelling in my stomach from the surgery and recovery, and my actually stomach is starting to adjust to its new 'normal' size. I had been noticing lately that I can eat a bit more than I had been eating in previous weeks. I used to track everything I eat, but I have gotten ~~lazy~~ busy in the past month and a half and haven't been tracking, so it seemed like I was eating a lot more.
Ok, all of that to tell you - I am doing great! I have lost a total of 71.5 pounds! Everyone was pleased with my progress. I don't have to go back for 6 more months. They did blood work this time, and because I'm not the worlds best at remembering to take my vitamins, I figured I'd get a terrible report on that, too, but come to find out, the only thing that didn't look good was my Vitamin D. I blame it on the lack of sunshine lately. I lost quite a few inches over my pre-surgery measurements and my August measurements. If you're interested, the total loss compared to my May measurements are (in inches): Neck - 1.25, Waist - 10.5, Chest - 8.0, Hips - 9.25, Arms - 2.75 each, Thighs - 5.5 each. I am going through clothes like crazy - as you can see from the changes in the measurements! In fact, my mom and I bought a lot of shirts for me at Target the weekend of my birthday in August, and a few of them were too tight. I didn't take them back because I knew they would fit sooner or later - and now, they all fit or are too big. Go figure! The hardest part about that is that I LOVE to shop. It is hard for me not to go crazy and buy some of the cute things I find, so I try to limit myself to one or two things a month. According to the doctor, I have at least 40 more pounds to 'easily' lose, than anything after that he said will come with hard work on my part. Gives me something to look forward to, and make a goal for.
So, I'll try to keep updating the tracker, so you can follow the progress. I wanted to post a picture with this one, but don't have one, but don't worry - I'll have one to post after the holiday!

Plans

2009-10-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

I remember in FCA in college, a lot of my friends and I had the same 'favorite verse'. I even remember a overly petty discussion between two people (one of whom may or may not have been me) who both claimed it was 'their verse'. Seriously, like there aren't tons of other verses in the Bible. I digress....the verse I'm referring to is Jeremiah 29:11 -

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

I have been thinking a lot lately about my future and what God has planned for me. Certainly I have strong desires in my heart for certain plans, and I want so strongly to believe that they are desires God has put in my heart, and not desires Rebecca has placed there. In the past few days I have been very sensitive to those plans, and have even begun to think about what my life will look like if these things don't work out. Will I be able to be happy? Will I still praise God? Will I be bitter? Will my introverted nature cause me to withdraw even more? What will my motivation be? What will my goals look like?
Then I have other thoughts too, such as: If these desires/plans do not come to fruition, does that mean I have done something wrong? Have I disappointed God? ...beyond repair? Have my past sins cost me future happiness?
Other moments there are thoughts that resemble these: Does God remember me? (I mean, I know I live in Kansas and all, but I *think* I remember reading He hears prayers even when they don't come from Texas.) Has He given up on me? Have I turned my back on Him so many times that He has hardened his heart toward me? How much longer do I have to be in the valley?
I don't share these thoughts, what I share with others are some of my desires (because some are too strong to hold in), and my own personal plans. Of course I have plans - I'm an ISTJ, a classic Type A, a first born! I probably came out of the womb with plans, because trust me - I've been making them ever since! I know in my mind and heart how I want the next few weeks to look, the next few months, and even the next few years. I'm trying to take the proper steps in the directions I need to go to make that happen. I feel like I have been stagnant regarding my place in life for the past three or four years, now I'm ready to move forward again.
I need to constantly remember that moving forward doesn't mean I'm the leader (despite my ISTJ tendencies, Type A personality, or first-born predisposition) - in this case I need to follow. After all, HE knows the plans HE has for me (He even knows the plans I have for myself). I pray I can submit myself fully to His plans, even if they are not my own.

Fall Texas Trip

2009-10-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

I went to Texas last weekend to enjoy some time with my family. I originally scheduled the trip because I was homesick, and didn't plan much for the weekend. However, as the trip approached, my dance card quickly filled up! I arrived on Thursday afternoon, and my cousin and her adorable kids picked me up at the airport. We spent a fun afternoon and evening at their house, and I even had a pajama party with Sadie. (Let me clarify - pajama party in this sense meant me sleeping on 1/3 of the bed while Sadie slept on the other 2/3!!! However, I wouldn't have traded it for the world!). Friday Morning, we got up bright and early and headed to meet my mom for a fun-filled day at the Dallas Arboretum's Fall Festival.

Here are two of my favorite pictures of Sadie and Andrew from the fall festival. They had pumpkins everywhere!!!

Andrew really was having fun - and I think this picture is adorable - but he was a little hungry at this point!!

This is Denise, Sadie, and me on the edge of the hay-bale maze.

Relaxing and playing on the lawn after our picnic lunch. The weather was beautiful.

The 'girls'! Sadie, my mom, Denise, and me. We have a good shot of me and Denise, but it's on her camera...

Me & Sadie Posing! Isn't she beautiful?

Me and Denise - gotta love the wind-blown look!

After a fun filled day, we met back up with dad and Christopher and helped them unload the truck of tea supplies into the warehouse. Then it was off to Outback for some much-needed steak. This is a picture my mom took of me & my brother.

Saturday morning, my mom, Aunt Sharon, Denise, and I went to Northpark Mall in Dallas to participate in the Dallas County Race for the Cure. My mom and I had planned on walking it, and I asked my aunt and cousin to participate as well. I was so excited that they decided to join us. There were 35,000 people there, and it was crazy packed! I had set a goal for myself of 45 minutes, and I reached my goal! I was so excited, but aside from that, I was so proud of my aunt. She has gone from having trouble walking a year ago, to completing the 5K! It made my day to see her out there, and it meant a lot to me to share the day with three women I love and admire so much.

Me & Aunt Sharon post-race (all nice and sweaty!)

The crew pre-race - notice the long sleeves - they weren't on very long!

The crew post-race. We did it! I do have to say, after participating in the Race for the Cure in both Dallas and Kansas City that both events were well organized, and overwhelming. I am proud to have been a part of them both.

After the race we had a great breakfast together, then parted ways for a few hours. That night, we had everyone over at my parent's house for dinner and games. (Everyone except Uncle Andy who had a lot of dental work done a couple of days before that - he was definitely missed!)

Playing in the floor with sweet Andrew. I'm pretty smitten with him! It was hard to believe that when I saw him in July he wasn't sitting up at all. They change so fast!!!

Sunday we went to Hillsboro to see my Aunt Tena & Uncle Steve and my cousin Courtney, her husband Cody, and their two adorable boys Brayden and Dawson. Brayden kept us entertained to say the least! He is such a bundle of energy but is one of the sweetest boys. Dawson was born the Friday before my birthday, making him 8 weeks old. I got to spend a lot of time cuddling with him and feeding him. It melted my heart!

It was great visiting with them, and I must say I'm so proud of Court and her family. She's a great mom, and I know Dawson is going to be as incredible as his big brother!

Monday I visited the famous Val for a much needed haircut! After that, it was 'family day' with just the four of us, including taking inventory in the tea warehouse and playing games. I'm really excited for my dad as he continues to branch out and find businesses and ventures he enjoys. I have no doubt that Tropical Tea Co will be a huge success. (Check it out - tropicalteaco.com)

All too soon it was time to head to the airport to return to reality!

It has been a short week, but a rough week since I returned.

Lots of things going on in Kansas City!

New York Trip

2009-10-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK TRIP

September, 2009

Warning: This post will be LONG!

Not that long ago - ok, ok, a month ago! - my mom and I took a trip we had been dreaming of for years. We both love musicals, and have seen many productions together, and had both always wanted to see a production (or two...or three) on Broadway. We had talked about making the trip for the past couple of years, but when you are both educators and slaves to the school calendar, and when you live 500 miles apart, it is a little difficult! So, mom's retirement this year, and my *cough, cough* 30th birthday made for perfect timing of our trip! Believe it or not, I have made a handful of trips with my dad, but not really any like this with my mom, so I was really excited about spending one-on-one time together. We decided what we wanted to do most, then booked the majority of our trip through NYCTrip.com (they were excellent, by the way, and I would highly recommend them to anyone looking to go to NYC).

We left on a Wednesday, and came home on Sunday, so the challenge was to fit everything we wanted to do into those 5 days! I had been to New York once before, but mom hadn't, so we made a list of everything we wanted to see and do, then planned our trip from there. Luckily, I love planning and organizing, and I really love trip and event planning. We were able to see almost everything we wanted to see. I spent hours on the internet before we left figuring out the subway system, and studying the map of the city. I'm very visual, so once I see a map of something I can usually find my way around easily. I did tell mom before we left that we were probably going to get lost at least once, and that we would just turn it into an adventure. Well...I'm happy to report, we never got lost....and - we never had to take a cab!

We arrived in New York around lunch time Wednesday and took the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. Our room wasn't ready yet, and we were told that they booked us in a one-bed room, instead of a room that had two beds, but they would update us to a suite if we didn't mind it being a smoking suite. We decided to take the chance, as we were told we could always move rooms if it smelled too much like smoke. We lucked out - our room was big - and it didn't smell like smoke at all. It came with a kitchenette, and was two rooms. It was nice, not fancy, but nice for what little time we spent in there. Upon checking in, we promptly headed out the side door of the hotel and walked ten feet to the subway. We bought week long unlimited ride passes, then established the rules for the weekend - no matter who had the backpack with all of our stuff, the other person always had to carry their cell phone and subway card. It worked out well!

I wanted to spend our first day exploring the larger parts of the city, so we took the subway all the way to Brooklyn and walked the Brooklyn Bridge back into Manhattan. It was cloudy and windy, but it didn't matter! This is the view from the beginning of the Brooklyn side of the bridge....

....and here we are at the entrance of the bridge. There was a sign on the ground that said "Welcome to Brooklyn" - that's why we were kneeling down, but the guy who took our picture omitted that part!

This is my favorite picture of the bridge. Randall said it looked like a post card! I loved the walk over the bridge because we were able to see the Statue of Liberty and the Manhattan skyline. There were a lot of people walking over the bridge - tourists and locals - and it was neat to see so many different people.

From the Brooklyn Bridge, we walked through City Hall Park, and found a deli to get lunch. From there, we made our way to Canal Street. I have to say, I wasn't that impressed with Canal Street. It was everything I had heard about, but it just wasn't my style. I did find one purse that I loved - but it was $120! When the original is over $1,000, I guess it should be expected that a knock-off would be over $100, but I passed it up. From there, we couldn't decide if we wanted to walk through Little Italy or head back toward the hotel and Times Square. We decided to see if Little Italy was anything like Chinatown, and we were pleasantly surprised! We stumbled upon a street fair in Little Italy, and were so glad we did! They had all kinds of carnival games, and tons of food vendors everywhere you looked! All the restaurants had booths and tables lining the streets. It was really neat, and I wished we were hungry when we went, because all the food smelled amazing! We spent the rest of the day exploring, and made our way to Times Square that night. We found a little restaurant on Restaurant Row off of Times Square that had tapas, so I had muscles for the first time! I wanted to try to eat something different each meal, and this was a great start to that adventure!

That night we went up on top of the Empire State Building. It was beautiful! The weather was cold and cloudy, but we were able to see the city. The lights were amazing, and it's beauty had me in awe. I've had the opportunity to see some very beautiful places in the U.S., but cities and large buildings always leave me breathless. The picture on the left is of the Chrysler Building.

The next morning, we got up bright and early, and headed down to Rockefeller Plaza. Our first visit was to the Top of the Rock observation deck. We were able to see all of the same sights from the the night before, only in the daytime. It was cloudy and sprinkling, but we really lucked out that there weren't that many people up there. I walked around and took tons of pictures, while mom made friends with a security guard/guide up there. He was really friendly, and showed me where Yankee Stadium was, then he graciously took our picture with the Empire State Building in the background.

This was only a foreshadowing of the day to come! After the Top of the Rock, we explored the rest of Rockefeller Plaza, then headed to Macy's. The weather was much cooler than I expected it to be, so I just had to buy a new sweater at Macy's! We spent a couple of hours in the store, and were both in awe. It was huge!!! We had lunch on the 8th floor, the made our way - purchases in hand - to our next adventure of the day...Liberty Island and Ellis Island. We were very fortunate that the same week we were booking our trip, the National Park Service re-opened access to the Crown of the Statue, and we were able to get tickets. Despite having to walk close to 500 steps, it was worth it! We went through security then boarded the ferry to Liberty Island. As we were on the ferry, the clouds started to break, and it started warming up. We were blessed to spend time on both islands in beautiful weather.
Upon arriving at Liberty Island, we locked up the backpack, then got to go to the front of the line to get into the pedestal. Apparently, there is usually an elevator that takes people from the bottom of the pedestal to the museum, but just our luck, it was out of order that day. So....in addition to the 300+ stairs we had to climb inside of the statue, we had to climb the pedestal as well! I didn't complain, thought, I was excited that we had the opportunity. Our group to the top only had two other people in it, so we were able to take our time climbing. I'm not gonna lie...I was nervous that despite my recent efforts I wouldn't be in good enough shape and I would cramp up or be exhausted by the time we got to the top. I underestimated myself. We took it slow, and stopped a couple of times, more so because the stairs were tiny, steep, and warm! However, once we got to the top, we were awarded with amazing views! The first guide at the top didn't really say much to us, but we were lucky enough that just when we started to leave to go down another guide came up and asked us if we had any questions. He started pointing out sights and telling us about Lady Liberty. The crown is the only place where you can touch her, and the only place you can see what is written on the tablet she carries. He even pointed out the IKEA in Brooklyn!!! He also gave us some history lessons that were interesting, pointing out where different forts were and how no ships could have entered the harbor without being in firing range of one of them. (I'm not good on history

specifics...sorry!)

The pictures at the left are - 1. Me & Mom at the top of the crown. 2. The knowledgeable tour guide. This picture also shows her 'hair'. Because the statue is copper, you can feel how hot or cold it is. 3. The tablet and pedestal from the crown, and people walking around Liberty Island. I had to stick the camera out the window to get this shot - good thing it had a strap on it!!!

Mom on the pedestal of the Statue. I think this is my favorite picture of her from the trip - even after all that climbing, she looks great!

This is the view of the statue from the pedestal - it was a l-o-n-g climb!!!!!

From Liberty Island, we took the ferry over to Ellis Island. I was skeptical about Ellis Island, but was honestly surprised and pleased. We had audio tours of the grounds, and it was neat to hear all of the stories and memories from people who had come to the US through Ellis Island. Mom's great grandmother entered the United States through Ellis Island, so it was that much more interesting to me to think of the personal history my family had there. I can't imagine what people went through to come to the states and make a new life for themselves. Suffice it to say, I was humbled.

This is another one of my favorite pictures from the trip. I took it as the ferry was leaving Ellis Island heading back to Manhattan. I love the American Flag and the Manhattan skyline in the background.

I think we could have stayed on Ellis Island a little longer, especially since the weather had turned out so beautiful, but we had a big night ahead of us! We had tickets to Lion King. Mom had seen it in Dallas, but I had never seen it, and it was my request for the trip. I had heard so much about it, and hoped that my expectations weren't set too high. First, however, we had to continue our quest for different food. We changed at the hotel, then started walking toward the theater, figuring we would find something to eat along the way. We ended up in a (cold) little pub where I had some fabulous crab cakes. Then, it was off to the theater. We booked our theater tickets through NYCTrips.com, so we didn't really know what to expect as far as our seats. I've become kind of spoiled because I have never had bad theater seats.....and this time was no exception! We were 3rd row, right in the center. Aside from the woman beside me who kept eating the most disgusting smelling candy ever, it was amazing. I was in awe the whole time! The costumes, the acting, the stage adaptation.....wow! I could see it over and over again! It was a perfect night to end a perfect day!

Friday morning was our only disappointment of the trip, but even that ended up working out to be good. We had booked a Ground Zero/Lower Manhattan Walking Tour, and I thought it was for Friday morning, but apparently it was for Thursday morning. Bummer. So...we took the train down there and did our own tour. I was a little disappointed at first, because I kept thinking it would be this silent, reverent place, but failed to realize that it would be an active construction site. Silly me! They are busy constructing the memorial and Freedom Tower. We walked around for a bit then found our way to the Ground Zero Museum. It was fabulous. There were artifacts from the rubble, quotes, a huge timeline, video and audio clips, and samples of the letters and postings people left on the fences following the attacks. It was very reverent and quiet in the museum, and I found myself teary eyed many times, so proud to be an American and to see such tangible examples of the American Spirit. We opted not to do a survivor/family member walking tour, but instead made our way to St. Paul's Church. The church was featured in a series of books mom brought me after my surgery, so it was fresh in my mind, and a place she really wanted to visit. I didn't realize it was the same church George Washington went to upon his inaugration. It has a very storied history. The church was the hub for volunteer care in the days after the attacks. Men and women working to clear the rubble would come to the church for a hot meal, first aid, chiropractors, and even a place to sleep. They also received many signs, posters, letters, banners, etc. from people all around the world. The one that struck me the most was from Oklahoma. It hit close to home.

After an emotinal morning, we decide to make good use of our 48-hour Double Decker Bus Tour. We rode through Central Park West, the upper West Side, saw Grant's Tomb (which was surprising beautiful inside the monument), went up into Harlem, saw the Appolo Theater, then went through the Upper East Side, along Central Park East, past the museums, and hopped off at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. That place is HUGE! Luckily, mom and I have similar tastes in art, so we didn't have to waste time in the Medieval or Asian sections. They had a cool photography exhibit, and had a large selection of modern art. There was an awesome sculpture on the rooftop, then we ended up in the American Art wing, where they had displays of Tiffany Glass. We could have stayed there for at least another hour as well, but decided to hop back on the bus and head back to the hotel for our evening adventure. That night we had tickets to Billy Elliot. First, however, we set off toward the theatre district in search of dinner. We came across a Cuban restaurant, and we both fell in love! It was fabulous - the atmosphere, the food, the service - everything. Definately my favorite place that we ate. Then it was off to the theater. Neither of us had seen the movie or the musical, so we really had no expectations of Billy Elliot, except that it had won so many Tony's. We were blown away. It was so different from Lion King, yet so amazing in its own way. Lion King was all about the costumes and the singing was incredible. Billy Elliot was all about the dancing, and man, could they dance! The sets were basic, which was appropriate because that kept all the focus on the cast and dancing. It was incredible, and I'm glad we took the risk and added it to our list of things to see! After another long day, we headed back to the hotel and crashed!

Saturday morning we had tickets to do the NBC Studios Tour at 9:00am. On the way over, we were trying to figure out which shows we watched were on NBC, and couldn't really come up with many. I had done the tour when I went in high school, but they had completely re-done it this time. Despite not being able to name many NBC shows we watch, we loved the tour. We were able to see the MSNBC room, the set for the Jimmy Fallon show, and the Saturday Night Live set. All in all, it was very fun. From NBC, we treked to Central Park where we had brunch reservations at Tavern on the Green. Oh....it was beautiful and the food was delicious. Basically, Tavern on the Green is like a tea party on steroids - but it was amazing. We were able to eat outside, as the weather was gorgeous, and they had paper lanterns strung in the trees. They also had topiaries shaped as animals - a unicorn, a rabbit, and a gorilla to name a few. Our brunch was three courses, and we took our time eating, because I was determined to eat as much as possible! For an appetizer, I had Greek yogurt drizzled with honey and topped with homemade granola and fresh berries. I had never tried Greek yogurt before, and I'm not the biggest yogurt fan, but I am now hooked on Greek yogurt! Second course was scrambled eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and toast. The eggs were the best I think I have ever had, and that's saying a lot because I personally think I make amazing eggs! For dessert, I had homemade strawberry shortcake with fresh cream. Oh....I was stuffed for the rest of the day!!! I really don't remember everything mom had, because I was so enamoured with my own food, but her dessert was to die for! It was a peanut butter torte on an oatmeal crust. Words can not describe! After endulging ourselves, we decided walking was a good idea! We took a short stroll through Central Park and over to the 5th Avenue Shops. Of course we went into FAO Schwarz, then window shopped at Tiffany's, and went into Trump Tower....and what trip would be complete without NikeTown! I'm sure mom was thrilled but we went through all 5 floors of NikeTown!

At that point, we made the decision to try to get tickets to another musical that night. There is a place in Times Square that offers dicounted tickets starting at 3:00pm the day of, so we decided we would stand in line and take our chances. Well...our chances paid off, because we scored great tickets at a 50% discount to Mary Poppins for that night. With time to kill before the musical, we decided to hop on another tour bus and go through some parts of Manhattan we had not explored yet. Feeling brave, we set a time limit and told ourselves that wherever we were at that time, we would get off the bus and either find dinner or head back to the hotel to get ready for Mary Poppins. On the bus tour, we saw the Flat Iron Building, Macy's, and Madison Square Garden, so it was well worth it! Luck for us, our predetermined time came and we were in Greenwich Village. There were lots of sidewalk cafes and restaurants, but we decided instead to go to the hotel and clean up then find dinner. There was a sushi place right across from the hotel that we had come across a few times, so we tried it out that night. I never in a million years thought I would be eating sushi with my mom, but we did! Then it was off to musical #3.

Mary Poppins was very different on stage, in fact, they changed some of the music to fit a stage production. I have to say, again I was very impressed. The acting, singing, and dancing were great, and the sets were amazing. I'm really glad we choose to see a third musical. They were all so different, but equally incredible.

Sunday was our last day, and supposedly our shuttle was going to pick us up at the hotel at 1:30. So...we slept in a little, then picked up some souviners that we wanted, then took the train to the top of Central Park. Knowing that we would be traveling the rest of the day, we wanted to get as much walking in as we could. It was another beautiful day weather-wise, and we had a great walk through the park. It was neat because the bottom part of the park is very touristy, but the furthur north you get, the more locals you see. We saw tons of joggers and walkers, and lots of parents with strollers. We even came across a playground with a family setting up a birthday party. It was a very fitting end to our trip. We walked back to the hotel, finished packing, checked out, and waited for our ride to the airport.

All in all, it was an incredible trip that I will remember for a long time. Everything went smoothly, we both had a great time, and made many memories, and we saw as much as a person can see in 4 days!

I am so blessed to have such a great relationship with my mother and that we enjoy so many of the same things. I also reflected many times during the trip on how luck I am that my mother is healthy and able to take trips where she outlasts me! After her heart attack last year, I wasn't sure where we would be at this time this year. Look how far we've come!

We took over 400 pictures of trip, sharing her camera. If you know me, you know I like black and whites, and love landscape and architecture pictures, so the pictures below are just a few of the ones I took along the way. Enjoy!

Dr check-up and Weekend Fun

2009-09-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'll admit, this is a little (or a lot) overdue. I had my 3 month check up with the surgeon on the 20th of August. As you hopefully guessed, no news is good news!

I was down 47 pounds at the appointment, and all my other vitals looked great. The surgeon was pleased with how my scars had healed up (most of them are not very noticeable). The dietitian was pleased with my eating habits and how much protein I was managing to get every day. She did urge me to continue to try new things, even though it is hard for me to branch out sometimes. The exercise physiologist was very pleased that I had completed a 5K and that I was walking and jogging so much. The psychologist was pleased with my 'mental state'. So, overall I would say it was a good visit!

Prior to my 3 month, and in the month since that visit, I have really been feeling great. I have a lot more energy, and have actually been enjoying my workouts! It's fun to be actually seeing results. I am finally to the stage where my clothes are getting too big, so I spent a lot of time the past two weeks going through old clothes. I had eight boxes of clothes in the garage that were all too small, but I didn't want to get rid of. You know me - they were organized by sizes! haha! So, I pulled out three boxes a couple of weeks ago, and I have gone through them and sorted them into three piles - 1. clothes to put in the closet; 2. clothes to give away (too big or don't like them anymore); 3. clothes that are still a little too snug. Of the three piles, group #1 was by far the largest! So large in fact that I didn't have anywhere to put all of my clothes! I went to Goodwill this weekend to search for jeans (3 pair for $4.50 each!) and found a small dresser for $15 as well. It was so ugly - yellow and blue - but the price was right! After contemplating, I went back and got the dresser, brought it home and painted it, and now I have a home for some of my clothes - and it looks great in my room! Yeah!

In other news....I had a crazy busy weekend. Story of my life! We had football practice Friday night, and Jaylen came home with me after practice. We came home to a flooded basement - I was not pleased! I hadn't done laundry for over two weeks, and that was my main plan for the weekend. After cleaning out the water with my trusty shop vac, and pouring professional strength drano down the drain, I hoped things were taken care of. However, Saturday afternoon it flooded again! UGH! A quick call to the landlord later and Roto-Rooter was scheduled to come out. Luckily it didn't take him too long to fix it on Sunday - but that meant I had to go to the Laundromat to get my laundry done! Not my plan for the weekend.
Highlights of the weekend, however, were: spending time at City Market with my friends Liz and Aaron. I stocked up on spices, sauce mixes, and potatoes, and picked up a pound of bison patties to try. We also visited the bike shop, browsed the art fair, and perused the antique store. I don't get to do a lot of stuff with friends, so I had a blast with Liz and Aaron! Then it was back home to cook 'breakfast' and off to football. The 4th graders won! It was a good game, and the weather was perfect for football. The rest of the weekend was spent cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, and preparing for the busy week ahead!

I'm excited that fall is here - the trees are turning, and it is a beautiful time in KC! Have a great week!

The last 5 weeks

2009-09-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't updated in 5 weeks, and A LOT has happened in that "short" amount of time! I want to dedicate a post to each of the major events that have taken place, but let me just give you a preview of what has been going on in my life since August 19th:

I had my 3 month check up with the surgeon. It went great and he was very pleased with my progress. I'll dedicate a full post to it soon.

I turned 30!!!!! I know - I can't believe it either! This was the first birthday I spent with my parents since I turned 17, and I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I'll dedicate a full post to it soon (complete with pictures!).

I am losing my hair. Yes, it's true. It's depressing. I knew it was a side effect of the surgery and weight loss. It will "eventually" grow back. I will NOT be dedicating a post to this - it's depressing enough as it is!

School started. With a vengeance. I'm teaching one and a half classes and coordinating three total. On top of supervising 25 students, a brand new graduate intern, and two work studies. Oh, and I still don't have a budget to go off of, even though our Fiscal Year started July 1st. Fun times. I may dedicate a post to this in the future, kind of a 'day in the life of" - that is if you really want to know, and promise not to get bored to tears!

I ran/walked my 2nd 5K Labor Day weekend. I did better than last time, but didn't make my goal. I'll dedicate a post to this soon.

I went to New York City with my mom. It was an incredible 5 days. We did and saw so much in the time we were there. We took over 400 pictures (go figure!). I'll dedicate at least one post about this soon.

I made a decision about my future. Yes, I finally did it. After being wishy-washy for 2 years, and then saying I'll do something when my job changes, I finally came to a resolution that I feel confident in. I feel that God is really moving me in the right direction, and things are starting to fall into place. Not all of this I feel comfortable sharing over the Internet because I am still fully employed and like and need my job. I'll share updates as I can, but let's just say, I'm looking forward to a hot summer next summer.

I'm going home for a few days in October and couldn't be more excited. I'm going to spend a day or so with my cousin and her amazing kids, spend some time with my parents, hopefully see my newest baby cousin, get a much needed hair cut (if there's any left to cut by then!), and run/walk the Race for the Cure in Dallas with my awesome mom, amazing Aunt Sharon, and incredible cousin Denise. I love my family!!!!

So, see...I haven't been neglecting you. I've been a busy lady! I have already proven that my blog posts are not very short in nature, so even when I'm tempted to sit down and write a short piece, it never turns out that way. Keep close over the weekend and early next week, I'll be posting a lot of updates (that is...after I get these pesky papers and quizzes graded!!).

Love you all!

Obsession, maybe????

2009-08-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

Before surgery, I never ate the same food two days in a row. I'm not even kidding. I'm weird like that. If I had leftovers, there was always a day in between the original consumption and the reheating of the leftovers. If I had cereal for breakfast one morning, I didn't have it for breakfast the next morning. I would go out of my way, or sometimes not even eat dinner, if it kept me from eating the same thing twice. Fast forward to three months ago (can you believe it has been that long?!). The doctor went in an did this procedure on my stomach, but somehow it turned into something more like brain surgery! Now, instead of avoiding the same foods two days in a row, I eat the same two things constantly! Without fail. It's actually quite funny...or ironic.

Here is one example (I'll share the other example another day, but it's not nearly as exciting):

You take some chicken, oil, and a Wok...

Add some Rice Stir Fry mix, fresh zucchini, onion, soy sauce, water, and a sauce packet....

Ta-da! You get some YUMMY Kung Pao Chicken!

Yes, welcome to my new obsession - Kung Pao Chicken. I eat it no less than 4 days a week, sometimes twice a day. It is that good. I go hooked when I realized Panda Express was practically the only fast food place I could eat, because everywhere else either offers fried entrees or bread! Let me tell you, after a couple of attempts of just eating the meat off of a fast food hamburger, I decided to just let it go....haha. Ok, back to the Kung Pao. I decided it wasn't too economical to run through Panda Express every evening, so I scoured the grocery store and found alternatives. There are two different packets of sauce that I have found, a frozen ready to make packet that includes the chicken, and a boxed packet that you add your own chicken to. I have tried them all. I'm still not sure which one I like the best....the only thing I am sure of right now is that it will take me probably 5 days, 2 meals a day to eat all of this Kung Pao....but it sure is delicious!!

Lots to post in the coming days - I have my 3 month check-up tomorrow morning; classes start on Monday; and I have a birthday coming up. My parents are in town this weekend (yeah!!!!!!), and we're hosting a party for my friends at my place on Saturday evening. I'm excited - now if only this durn rain would go away (I'm sorry West Texas family, but we're drowning up here! If I could send you some, believe me - I would!). That brings me to another funny point, then I must get back to finishing grading rubrics and making cookies for the weekend.....

I came home Monday afternoon and my elderly oh-so-sweet next door neighbor - whom I affectionately call "Old Man" because I can't remember his name - was standing on his porch. The sky was threatening rain, so after saying hi, I asked him if he thought we were going to get some rain that evening. His reply, "I hope so...we sure need it." When I got inside, I thought about how interesting his comment was from my perspective or that of most of my family. See, I have decided that in Kansas City, people "need" rain so that they don't have to water their yards. It's true....people around here don't regularly water their yards - some never do. Weird, I know. Where I come from, and where most of my family lives, they really do "need" rain. They will go weeks without rain. I think we have gone a total of 9 consecutive days this summer without rain....but apparently we "need" it.

....Most of life is about perspective, isn't it?

A celebration - of 2 types

2009-08-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had an opportunity to celebrate something very special to my heart, and accomplish a personal goal at the same time. I have always wanted to be a runner. I love running, and I have always wanted to incorporate that into my fitness routine, but it has been very difficult over the past few years, and I have been a little lazy about it as well. Since my surgery, exercise has become even more important, so I decided now is a good a time as ever to start running. I decided a few weeks ago I wanted to start the "Couch-to-5K" program that has become so popular. Knowing myself, though, I knew I had to have a goal to work toward; so, I decided that I would find a few different 5Ks on the area to participate in. The first one I found could not have been more perfect - the Kansas City Race for the Cure to benefit the Komen Foundation. See, a few years ago, my world was rocked when we found out my maternal grandmother (my Gran-Gran), and my only living grandparent, had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Thank the Lord, she is now cancer free and is doing great; however, having a woman in your family diagnosed makes it that much more of a reality. According to the Komen Foundation, an estimated 192,370 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed during 2009. When it has happened to someone you know, much less someone who shares part of your genetic makeup, this statistic gives you pause. That being said, I decided that my first exercise goal post-surgery was to participate in the race in celebration of my Gran-Gran.
Little did I know, that 28,000 other Kansas Citians decided to so something similar this weekend! The response was moving and overwhelming. To see so many women, survivors, men, and even children turn out to support research in this area reminds me that there is still a lot of good in the world. I was overwhelmed, and it was hard not to get too emotional at times! As we stood waiting for the official start, they read names of survivors and those who had lost their fight to the disease over the loud speaker. It was touching. We even had a moment of silence before the start for those women (and men). I was deeply honored to participate in such an event, and to wear my Gran-Gran's name on my back. I know that unfortunately this disease will effect even more women in my life in the future, but on this day, I truly felt like I was doing something positive to perhaps circumvent some of that because I am confident that a cure will be found!
So, details on the race itself. For starters, I am not a great runner - yet. I am training, and I am doing my best. Some days I push my body so hard that I never want to see another pair of running shoes again! Other days, I love it so much I want to go twice. (I never thought I would say that!!) When I started exercising again after my surgery, it would take me at least 25 minutes, usually closer to 30, to walk a mile. What can I say? I'm slow! Most of my training thus far has been walking/jogging for about 35 minutes, which is not quite 2 miles. I knew with that in mind, the fact that this race was 3.1 miles, Kansas City is 90% uphill (I'm convinced!), and the large crowd, that it might take me a while to finish. My goals were:
1. To finish without stopping to rest
2. To jog some
3. To finish in under an hour
Well, guess what - I did all of that! I was so pleased with how I did! I started out jogging, and probably jogged the first half a mile, then did a lot of walking because the first 3/4 of the course were uphill (I'm not exaggerating, either!). I was hot, and my legs were very tired, and about 3/4 of the way through, I wanted to stop or seriously slow down, but I didn't let myself. I told myself that if my Gran-Gran and all these other women could fight breast cancer, the least I could do was finish this race! I finished 'officially' in 54 minutes because I started well behind the start line. I started my stop-watch when I crossed the start line, and according to it, I finished in 52 minutes.
What a great day! Here are a few pictures that I took of the day. Now, on to train for the September race! The Royals are hosting a 5K to benefit autism and some of their other charities, and I'm already signed up for that one! We'll see how training goes this week and next, and I'll let you know my goals before the race!
Until then, I've got a full day (week) of work ahead of me, and I'm off to buy a good pair of running shoes - ones that actually support my feet the way they should. I've just been jogging and walking in my regular workout shoes, and my hips and knees are protesting!

Me, before the race

They had cards to wear that said "In Honor of" or "In Celebration of" - this was mine!

At the start line - look at all those people! Just think - I was pretty close to the front, actually! If I wasn't so short, I would have tried to take more "crowd" shots!

Right after I finished!

Kind of blurry, but this is "my" official time!

Advice from childhood

2009-07-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

Remember when your mom used to tell you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Well, your mom might not have told you that, but I'm pretty sure my mom told me many times when I was younger. So, that is why I have not been blogging too much lately. I really don't have anything nice to say. I'm sorry; it is the truth. I have had episodes recently (one as recent as 10 minutes ago), where I ask myself "What else can go wrong?". Ever have those days? I'm sure you do.

For the most part, things are good. I have an amazing family; I enjoyed a great trip to Indiana two weekends ago; I am having fun being the "team mom" for a 4th grade football team my friend coaches; I have good friends and coworkers; I love the house I live in; I have a great job; my mom and I are planning an awesome trip to New York in September; and my birthday is coming up (well, that one is some good/some bad!).

On the other hand there are some things that are not all good. Those are the things that consume me, frustrate me, overwhelm me, and cause me to not have nice things to say. I don't like being fake. I'm one of those people who can act like I like anyone or anything if that is what the situation calls for, but I don't feel like doing that right now. Especially on my own blog. So, if I don't have anything genuinely nice to say, I'm just not going to say anything at all. In the mean time, I'll look for something nice to say, and I appreciate your prayers.

The l-o-n-g-e-s-t week

2009-07-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, my gosh, this week has been SOOOOO long! I had a great weekend last weekend, and I am excited for no plans this coming weekend, but sandwiched in between all of that, I have had the longest week. Thus, I have not updated as promised. I also rotate between three different computers each day, so it seems whenever I sit down to blog, I am not on the computer the pictures are on. So, you'll just have to keep waiting for those.

In a nutshell, my busy week has consisted of (1) work, work, work, and more work; (2) experimenting with meals that I would have never eaten before my surgery; (3) working out; (4) squeezing in pool time; (5) organizing everything for the 4th grade football team I am helping out this season; (6) trying to figure out if I want to paint my bedroom or now; (7) thinking about and planning our New York Trip; (8) planning events for my parent's visit in August; (9) contemplating if I want to throw myself a birthday party this year; (10) looking for and applying for jobs.

Fun times in my world, huh?

I haven't forgotten about you....

2009-07-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have not forgotten to blog - I just only remember at 1am when I am trying to make myself fall asleep. Many things have been going on in my world.

I spent a week in Texas with my family (one of the best weeks - ever!)
I've been working on summer projects at work (whoever thinks summer is 'easy' for educators has obviously never done it)
I started the Couch-to-5K training program, and signed up for a 5K in August, and am going to sign up for one in September and October as well
I had my 6 week check-up with the surgeon
I made and iced 50 cookies for a wedding shower at work today
I have been spending my 'free' time contemplating the future of my career

See....I've been busy! I'll blog about all of it very soon....very soon. Maybe even tonight. We'll see! Until then, check out my new ticker at the top! Things are progressing very well in the weight department.

Waiting for Friday

2009-06-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty crazy. I've been working like a mad woman, and it has been insanely hot here. First, the work part. Last Friday, I interviewed 16 people between 9:00am and 5:00pm. Yes, 16. If you do the math, you will figure out that I had no bathroom break, no lunch break, and no keep-your-sanity break. We are in the process of hiring Peer Coaches (mentors) for my program. Usually, this process is completed in April. So, I'm very much behind this year, although it is no fault of my own. We usually have just enough qualified applicants to fill all of the positions, but this year has been surprisingly different. This year we have way more outstanding, qualified applicants than we will have jobs. This is a great problem to have, however, it is up to me to interview them all and the determine the best ones to hire. Fun times. I wish I could hire them all.
On top of interviews, I'm catching up on not being in the office for three weeks. There are still a lot of little things that need to be done such as filing, returning emails, building databases and websites, writing syllabi, and planning trainings. Again, fun times!

In other news: Summer in Kansas City decided to introduce itself wholeheartedly this year. No slow introduction or teasers, just full-force "here I am". The end of May/first of June saw temperatures in the 70s, maybe a low 80 as a high. Then all of a sudden, almost overnight, we hit 95. WOW Buddy! It got hot in a hurry. No more long walks around the neighborhood or mowing the yard as soon as I get off work. We are on to more strategic planning of outdoor events. That being said, I haven't mowed the yard in over a week and a half. Yuck. The only good thing about such hot days are the many thunderstorms we have been having. That helps cool it off for a while.

Update on me: I am feeling really good considering. I'm supposed to be at the stage where I am eating three meals a day and drinking one shake. Let's just say, I'm working on it. I have had a few days where I get all three meals in, but most days it is two meals and a shake or two. My dietitian says I need to be getting 1000-1200 calories a day. That may not seem like much to you, but it is a stretch to me! I even ate at a restaurant this week for the first time. That may not seem like much to you, but it was a huge accomplishment for me. Now that I'm on "solid food" regularly, I have to be very careful of what I eat, how small the bites are, how much I eat, and how fast I eat. Any of these things can make me sick, so I have to be very conscious of how I am eating. I went to lunch with some friends from work and did very well. It was easy to eat slow because we just talked the whole time, so I could take a bite and talk while my stomach was settling. I finally feel like I am getting back to normal after a month.
This past Tuesday marked the 4 week 'anniversary' of my surgery. Hard to believe it has been 4 weeks already! I went to the doctor yesterday to get my B-12 shot, and had them weigh me. I am down 28/29 lbs in 4 weeks. I have lost maybe one size, I'm not really sure. A lot of my clothes are different sizes, but I did put on a pair of jeans today that I haven't worn since winter, and I can tell that my shirts are fitting better. Baby steps.

Now for the exciting part: I am headed to Dallas on Saturday. I am so excited! I have no huge plans for the week, just spending time with my family, teaching my parents how to play Wii, going to the pool, shopping, and relaxing. Oh, and the all-important hair cut with the infamous Val. I'm driving down with one, possibly two dogs, on Saturday morning. We'll stay through the 4th of July and come home on the 5th. I am so blessed to have family that I look forward to spending time with, and I'm excited about the week ahead.
Tonight, Jaylen and I have a pool date, then he is spending the night. I have tons of stuff to get done before I leave because I haven't accomplished anything at home all week. However, he has been looking forward to this all week, so a 9-year-old slumber party it is! I'll try to remember to take pictures to post. I have a ton of pictures on my camera, I just never happen to download them. Go figure!

Have a great Thursday - and here's hoping Friday afternoon comes QUICK!

How Lucky Am I?

2009-06-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

These are my parents:To sum it up: They are awesome. I am truly blessed.

I grew up in an amazing Christian household, where I knew every day how much my parents loved me and how much they loved each other. They were never they type to push me toward anything, but always provided encouragement and support for what I wanted to do. I have many fond memories of growing up. We were always a close-knit family, and went on many trips and did many things just the four of us. The amazing thing is, we are still making fun memories.
I have many qualities of each of my parents, to the point that it is difficult to tell which one I am most like. Just the same, there are activities that I enjoy with each of my parents respectively.

My mom gives the best advice, and is a great listener. She is incredibly patient, and has a huge heart. I love to go to musicals/plays with my mom, go shopping, spend time in the kitchen, get our nails done, travel/explore, and just hang out. We get to go to New York City in September just the two of us to experience the city and take in some Broadway shows. We have been talking about it for a long time, so I'm glad we're finally getting to go. We always a great time together!

My dad taught me how to play golf, and spent painstakingly long hours with me at the driving range and on the course during middle school, high school, and on into college. Not many teenage girls have the relationship with their fathers that I had with mine. Spending that much time together, you can't help but be close and find things you have in common. My dad is very business-minded, and believe it or not, I get a lot of that from him. I remember driving to my grandparents' talking about the stock market and how it worked, or the concepts behind economic supply and demand. We love to watch college basketball together, and each year we go to Vegas to watch the opening rounds of the tournament. Fun times!

When I had my surgery, my parents came up to take care of me in shifts. My dad was here for the actual surgery and the hospital stay. Bless his heart - I think he got the worst shift. I was crabby in the hospital, and wasn't very entertaining because I was so drugged. On top of that, he had to do a whole lot of sitting and waiting. Boring! He also had to navigate Kansas City on his own (well, with help from Tom Tom), but apparently he did very well! He also did a great job of taking care of me. He also mowed my yard, did some laundry, tried to fix my un-fixable sink, and bought me new tires! He's the greatest! My mom came once I got home. I'm sure her shift was still boring, but at least it was in the comfort of home and not the hospital! She cleaned my house, did my laundry, reminded me to eat, drink, and walk, made meals for Randall so I didn't have to think about food for a few weeks, and listened to me complain!

My dad was fortunate enough to retire a couple of years ago after working a job he didn't really love for many years. In his first year of retirement, he and my brother fixed up the house and made most of the improvements to it that my parents had been wanting to do. (I say "most" because I am still holding out for the pool! hint - hint) Then he got involved in Real Estate Investing. It has been so much fun to watch and listen to him get involved in something that he is passionate about and really enjoys. It's inspiring, and he certainly deserves it!

My mom retired two weeks ago after teaching forever. Well, not forever, but longer than I have been alive. She was a wonderful teacher, and has touched so many lives over the years. I have no doubt that she will continue to be involved in education in some way during her retirement.

My parents leave for Hawaii in a couple of days, and I do have to say, I am insanely jealous. However, after all of their years of hard work, sacrifices, and putting up with me and my brother, I have to say, they certainly deserve this trip! I could not be more excited for them, as this really marks the beginning of their retired years!

Mom and Dad, I love you both so much, and can not begin to thank you for the love and support you have given me over the years. I am so happy for you that you are able to retire at such young ages and that you will truly be able to enjoy being retired. I hope you have a great trip, and here's to many more (and a few of which I think I need to be included on!).

LOVE YOU!

Busy morning!

2009-06-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

I took Beta to the vet yesterday because he had three accidents in the house and was constantly trying to urinate outside - I mean CONSTANTLY! The vet couldn't find anything wrong (go figure) but it still cost me $60! Ugh! However, she called this morning and apparently her tech had mixed up the urinalysis results with another dog whose name was Bailey. So, apparently Beta does have a bladder infection just as I thought. After stopping by Sonic for a Cranberry Tea (I'm experimenting with what drinks from there I can still have), I picked up his prescription. Now I'm off to the Farmer's Market and probably the grocery store. Then back home to clean and hopefully mow my yard - neither have been done since my parents were here two weeks ago! Yuck! I'm usually one to clean twice a week, but I just haven't felt up to it. I'm crossing my fingers that I can get it all done today so I can rest tomorrow before going back to work Monday!

p.s. I PROMISE the next post will have pictures! I've been brainstorming that part...

Update after the 'real' doctor's visit

2009-06-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

Today was my 2 week post-op check up, and it went great. I was down 21 pounds from my last visit (5-6-09) and they were very pleased with that. It was a busy check-up, I saw 5 different people:

1. The nurse - she took my vitals and weighed me. She asked me tons of questions about bodily functions you probably don't want to know about and told me I needed to be getting more water each day than I have been getting. She took my stitches out of one of my incisions, she said she didn't see any others. The stitches had already 'busted', so she didn't even have to use scissors to cut them. She was very pleased with how my seven incisions had healed.

2. The psychologist - she talked to me about what I had been doing since surgery, how I had been spending my time, etc. She was very pleased with the support system that I have (thank you everyone!), and overall was please with my progress. I told her my biggest fear was gaining weight. It sounds silly, but it's true. For so long, every time I stepped on a scale, my weight would have increased, so I have those same expectations now.

3. The surgeon - he was very please with my progress; he ended up taking another stitch out of one of my incisions that the nurse had missed. He's really funny and joked with me about what a great job he did! He was concerned that my protein was making me feel sick, but admitted he was not the expert on food/protein, so he made a note for the dietitian to talk to me about it. He released me to go back to work on Monday, and said to keep doing what I'm doing.

4. The dietitian - she's great. I really like her a lot; I've been seeing her monthly for the past six months. She wasn't pleased with me feeling sick after I 'eat', and told me that the protein I have been using isn't absorbed very well into the body (she showed me a research piece about it), and suggested I use something different. She is pretty convinced the change will make me feel better. She suggested I stay on a mostly liquid diet for at least another week and ease into soft foods as I feel like it. Her suggestion was to try one 'meal' and three shakes a day and progress from there.

5. The exercise physiologist - she's the greatest. She's about my age, and we have a great rapport. She didn't believe me at first that I had been jogging a little, and was pleased; however, she did caution me that too much jogging/running could stress the internal incisions and stitches, so she told me to take that part easy. She was pleased with how much activity I am getting each day, and we talked about ways to make sure I am getting enough water when I exercise. She also reminded me that I can not lift anything over 10 lbs until I go back in 4 weeks, and she said I can't get in the pool for at least another week, until my incisions are completely healed. BUMMER!

So, that's all the news that is the news today. I went from there to this awesome toy store I found online this weekend. It's called The Learning Tree, and carries a lot of educational toys for kids. I just love stores like that, and I found an awesome birthday gift for my Sadie (who is going to be 4, but I'm in denial!), and lots of ideas for Makaela's 1st birthday next month. They even gift wrapped it for free! Awesome! Stores like that make me want kids so bad! Oh, well, some day....

I'm off to the gym before all the 'commoners' get of work - haha! I'm going to miss this luxury when I go back to work on Monday! After that I may head to the pool, even though I can't get it - I can always read my book and eat Sonic ice-cubes. Here's hoping these clouds go away while I'm in the gym!

Have a great rest of the week! God Bless...

Doctor visit? What doctor visit?

2009-06-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Due to some very frustrating and disheartening mistake, my doctor's appointment that was on my calendar for today is actually not until Thursday! UGH! I was (and still am) SO frustrated! My ride dropped me off at the doctor's office (remember, no driving!), and wouldn't be back for 2 hours. After sitting in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, the nurse came out and told me there had been a mix-up. She could tell I was frustrated. She said she would not release me to go back to work tomorrow as (I had) planned, but that since I am not on pain medication I can drive. Praise God! I am no longer house-bound!!! Yeah!
So, that left an hour and forty-five minutes before my ride returned. Luckily, the Plaza isn't too far from the hospital, so being the now avid walker that I am (?????), I decided I would walk down there and go to Starbucks. Now, normally I am not a fan of the yuppie establishment. Today, I didn't have a lot of choices - it was too early for any of the other restaurants to be open, and who really wants to go to a restaurant where you can't eat anything anyway? Fortunately I had packed a book and my ever-trusty black planning notebook, so I was good to go. When I got to Starbucks (after falling in the middle of the plaza - New Shox = slippery soles; Drizzly morning = slick sidewalks; Slippery shoe soles + Slick sidewalks = bruise on Bec's knee and wet seat of jeans) I had to think hard how to order. I can't have milk, I can't have sugar, and I can't have caffeine. I used to be a Diet Coke person. It is SO much easier to order a Route 44 Diet Coke than a Tall Skinny Vanilla Decaf Soy Latte. Or something like that. Once I got through that mouthful, I realized they had oatmeal. Oh, happy day!!!!!!! So, I got an oatmeal, and ate almost all of it. I was so excited! You can get brown sugar, dried fruit, or nuts on top. Oh, how I wished I could have added any of those. Instead, I added cinnamon and splenda, and let me tell you, it tasted like heaven! After a frustrating morning, at least I found a bright light. I thought I might eat and read for a little while (because eating 3 oz of oatmeal takes me a good 30 minutes), and then walk around and browse the shops. I love walking around the Plaza, I rarely spend any money, but I love the shops. However, as if to rain on my parade more, it started to.....RAIN. It had been overcast and drizzly before, but all of a sudden I saw lightening and then the whole coffee shop shook with the thunder, and then down came the Rain. Wow, but it was really pretty, and I was glad to be holed up in a cozy coffee shop. Although they could have turned on the fireplace, after all it was only 65 outside. After about an hour it let up, so I decided to venture out. I was a block over from my favorite non-clothes store of all time - Williams Sonoma (ahhhhh), but on the way I ran into a new store - Zoom. It was the coolest children's store of all time (well, maybe not of all time, but it was cool!). They had all kids of puppets and games and books and stuffed animals and princess dress up stuff and ever farm animal figurine you could think of. I kept think Sadie would be in heaven! I could have spent thousands of dollars in there for the beautiful kiddos in my life (who are not my own but I would steal in one second!)! Instead, right as I was starting to amass a small pile of purchases, my ride called and was on the way. So, that ended my biggest adventure in the past two weeks following my surgery. Wow, my life has become so boring, huh?!?

I have read three and half books, watched numerous tv shows, gotten hooked on Rachel Ray (whom I LOVE now and want to cook all of her recipes except I can't eat any of them yet!), watched at least three movies (Benjamin Button, He's Just Not That Into You, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2), and taken numerous walks.
Today, however, I am going to have to get work done. My house needs cleaning, and I have TONS of work that I can do from home, so I need to get to it.

What happens when you have too much time on your hands

2009-06-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

Two weeks off work is definitely TOO much time on my hands. I have things I "need" to be doing, things I "want" to do, and things that just some how come up every day that take my time instead. If if weren't for this durn internet thing, I'd probably get some of the things that I "need" to do done. Oh, well.

On the plus side - not being able to eat or drive for two weeks sure saves a lot of money! Seriously - I was balancing my account today and was amazed! However, not being able to eat is actually pretty depressing. Yes, I can certainly focus on the ultimate goal; and doing so makes me feel better. However, sometimes you just want to taste something. Besides protein drinks or shakes, of course.

It is still a struggle when I put anything in my stomach, and I have to admit it is becoming quite depressing. I had been feeling pretty well last weekend, and starting Monday had setting into my 3 meals a day plus vitamins. I felt pretty good on Monday, but on Tuesday the nausea come back in full force. So, I am back to drinking protein drinks, 1.7 oz at a time, and even that is making me nauseous. Thus the depression. Again, I am focusing on the long-term goals, and that does help, but there is also the here-and-now to consider.

I walk every day - usually twice a day unless it is raining. I even added a little jogging into the mix last night and I felt pretty good afterwards.

The boredom is the worst part. I have read 3 books and countless magazines, taken at least two walks a day, watched numerous hours of dvr and a couple of movies, and I am now completely restless and bored. I can only read so much, can only watch so much tv, etc. I think I could get over the feeling of nausea every time I eat (drink), it I were able to drive myself somewhere! A friend took me to Wal-mart yesterday, and even though I had a list, I didn't get everything I needed because it is different when you are on someone else's time. My mom's birthday card is going to be late, because I had to have someone drive me to the store to buy her a card. This is SO not the world I am used to living in! It is one thing to step back and reflect and use the down-time for prayer and meditation - believe me, I have done PLENTY of that. Now, I am just ready to get out of here and take this show on the road! I go see the doctor on Tuesday for my 2-week post-op appointment, and all I hope to hear is good news.

Sorry to be so negative; I'm just being honest.

Home for How Many More Days?????

2009-06-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest update, it is actually the body of an email I sent to my aunt and cousins this morning, but rather than typing the same information again, I figured this would be easiest. Oh, and yeah....I'm not allowed to go back to work until a week from TOMORROW. That's right, 8 more days!!!!

Apparently I have a serious aversion to anesthesia, because while I had absolutely no pain at all, I was severely nauseous most of the time I was in the hospital. I felt like I had to keep pestering the nurses and trying to make them believe me! They kept asking why I didn't use the pain pump, and I told them I didn't need it - I needed anti-nausea medication! Late on Tuesday night they gave me something that seemed to work, but I was still feeling the effects when I got home Friday (the car ride was fun!). I remember very little from the time I got on the operating table on Tuesday until Thursday morning, but apparently the doctor was very pleased with how the surgery went. He said there was very little bleeding. I have seven little incisions, and by little I mean less than a half inch each. They are so little that none of them required stitches; they taped them and then covered them with a waterproof dressing, and they're already healing nicely - except they itch like crazy!
It took a few days to get everything out of my system, and I really didn't start feeling like myself until late Saturday when mom was here. I have been walking at least twice a day since I got home from the hospital, and now I'm up to two miles a day - a mile in the morning and a mile in the evening. I feel great most of the time - except when I eat. That is still a very hard adjustment for me. I have been taking the "New Whey" bullets, we bought the ones that have 42g of protein in them, so I only have to drink half of one at a meal, and that alone about does me in. I've been trying to get in some soup or applesauce or pudding, but even just drinking the protein I have to lay down for about 20 minutes after I eat. I'm really hoping this part gets better - soon! I struggle to get all of my water in, the dr said to work up to 64 oz, and yesterday was the first day that I got 32oz in, which I was very proud of! The doctor did tell me that he made my pouch a little smaller than usual, he said it just worked out that way. I'm not sure what a little smaller means, but it obviously means right now that it can't handle any more than 2oz of liquid protein and 2 spoonfuls of soup! However, all of that being said, I weighed myself this morning and I was down 10.5 lbs from the Saturday before my surgery (the 23rd), so a little over a week.
The no driving thing was fine while dad and mom was here, but it is driving me crazy now. Not that I have anywhere to go really, it is just the thought of relying on someone else. Being out of work is a little of a drag and a little of a blessing. I have realized in the past few days that I am not in love with my job anymore, and that if I didn't have this particular one, I wouldn't be too sad, so that has been eye-opening. I've also realized that I don't want to stay in Kansas City too much longer. It is a great place with great people, but at the end of the day, you can't beat being close to family. When mom left Sunday I lost it. I felt so alone. I know that I am not alone, I have Randall's family and some great friends that are checking up on me and offering to do a lot of things for me, but it's just not the same as family. Its a lot easier to ask my mom to vacuum my floors and my dad to wash my towels than it is a good friend - at least for me!

Home from the Hospital

2009-05-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

I got home from the hospital yesterday around lunch time. The doctor was right, I was only in there for 48 hours. The surgery went well, my surgeon was very pleased with the procedure. I have absolutely NO appetite at all, the anesthesia made me so nauseous that I didn't notice any pain from the surgery itself. They had me up and walking pretty quick which was a good thing. It is always helpful to have someone make you get up, otherwise you would just want to lay in bed all day. I certainly feel like my insides have been rearranged, and I am still very nauseous and exhausted, but I'm on my way to recovery.

Tomorrow is the day

2009-05-25T20:33:00.001-07:00

I go in to the hospital tomorrow morning at 8:00am, and should have my surgery between 10 and 11, depending on how the surgery in front of me goes tomorrow. I'm not really nervous, just ready for the next stage. The liquid diet hasn't been as hard as I anticipated, and I'm looking forward to eating something with flavor in the weeks ahead!
Thanks for all of your well wishes, prayers, phone calls, and texts. I'll keep you posted!

Getting Closer

2009-05-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

As of today, I am 4 days away from my surgery, and only two days away from the pools opening for the summer. Yeah!!!! I have more than enough to do to distract myself for the weekend, and I'm am starting to get really excited. I am ready to have this part of the journey over and get the next part started!

I wanted to take a minute to thank all of my amazingly supportive friends, co-workers, and family members. When I started thinking about the WLS (weight loss surgery), I was very hesitant to tell anyone, even some of my own family members. I know a lot of people struggle with weight issues, and this surgery is not accessible to everyone. I also know that may people have a stigma that all weight issues can be cured by diet and exercise. Weight Watchers worked wonders for my mother and some of her friends (and she looks GREAT now), but honestly, it didn't work that great for me. So there are many reasons I was hesitant. I know that people will have their own opinions, shoot - I'm the number one opinion-haver in the world! haha - but that is okay. I am secure in the plan that I am prayerfully following, and I am confident. Will WLS solve all of the problems in my life? Absolutely not. I will still be a control freak, I will still have to go to work every day to make a living, I will still be a single almost-30 year old woman living 500 miles from my family. What it will change is the way I live my life and the outlook I have. I will now have a tool that will assist me in being more healthy and in preventing a handful of obesity related diseases and complications. Surgery alone won't make me happy, but the changes I have fought so hard to make through diet and exercise will now be easier to make - and that makes me happy. It makes me more confident.

That being said, I again say to you - THANK YOU. I appreciate your support, your encouragement, your prayers, and your unconditional love. I am blessed beyond measure to have such a wonderful support system in my life.

Here are two of my last 'before' pictures that I will show you. (The doctor took an official one last week, and I'll take an official one for myself on Monday, but these are more fun!). This is my beautiful cousin Denise and the second is Denise again with my heart - Sadie!

I'll post more this weekend as time allows (between the trips to the pool, the house cleaning, and finishing up last minute things at work!). Love you all!

"Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement - and we will make the goal."~ Jerome P. Fleishman ~

Things I Just Don't Get....

2009-05-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

I do a LOT of thinking! Too much, probably....but in all that thinking, there are some things I just don't get....here's a small sampling of what goes on inside my brain:

- When you can't/don't have something you want, all of a sudden it seems like everyone around you has it. (i.e. I want to be married and have kids - and it seems like everyone in the world has it but me. OR I can't eat food for two weeks, so it seems like every commercial on TV is for food!)

- It is easier to see other people's mistakes than your own. This works both ways. I see so many of my friends and people I am around on a regular basis make what I would call 'dumb' mistakes in their personal lives. It is so easy for me to see their 'mistakes' but even if I warn them, they make them anyway. Don't think I'm perfect though....I have people 'warn' me of things that I ignore also.

- People have so much trouble following the Golden Rule. Is it THAT hard to be nice to someone, or to think about how your actions effect others?

- Why do I always cry when watching Extreme Home Makeover? I used to never cry, now I cry at everything!

- Grammar and proof-reading are becoming a thing of the past. Now, I know I'm not perfect at this, but I have read so many articles and blogs online this past week that contained typos or grammar mistakes - its sad!

- No matter how long I spend making my grocery list, I always leave something off and end up going back to the store.

- People are willing to sit around and complain about things, but not make an actual move to do it or change it. This is especially annoying at work. I tend to think of myself as a 'doer'. I have tons of ideas, but I don't talk about most of them - only the ones that I can do something about.

- Every time I wash my car it rains.

- Every time I mow my yard, the grass grows back (just kidding - I was just seeing if you were still paying attention on that one!).

That's all I have for now....we'll chat more this week! This is week 2 of the liquid diet, by Tuesday morning I will be halfway done!!!! Thanks for your prayers and support.

Day 4

2009-05-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm just going to be honest. My last post about Day 3 not being too bad? Well, that was before Day 3 was over. After I left work yesterday, I was miserable. Seriously miserable. I gave much thought to quitting the whole process - I mean, I'm only on Day 3 of 14! This is not a good sign, right? I keep remembering what others who have gone through this have told me, and it is that the first three days are the hardest, but after Day 3 it gets easier. Let's hope so, because I can't have too many more meltdowns....I've got too much else to do.
My biggest 'freaking out moment' always comes when I think about the after. I can't drive for 2 weeks. I can't mow my lawn for 4-6 weeks. I can't vacuum my floors for 2-4 (or more) weeks. I have this mentality that I won't be able to do anything at all. I'm sure I'll feel like it, because everyone keeps telling me I'll feel good. For me, that's almost worse than feeling bad, because if I feel good, I'm going to want to do things. I'm not too good at relying on other people, mostly because I have been let down by other people a lot. My parents will be here for the first week, so that will be great - I know I can rely on them. It is after they are gone that I am freaking out about.
I hate to be a downer....I wish I had funny stories to tell, but I don't right now....thanks for your support and prayers.

Day 3

2009-05-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Just imagine with me for a minute that you are only to drink protein shakes and water for 14 days. Think you could do it? I didn't either! I'm only on Day 3, but I am happy to report that I am, in fact, surviving! The first day wasn't too hard; the second day was torture! Today isn't too bad, and hopefully by tomorrow I will not be thinking about food constantly! (One can dream....)

The last two weeks have been more frustrating, but also promising. If any of you have ever had body image issues, you will probably know what I am talking about! First and foremost, it is no secreat that I LOVE clothes. Oh, my gosh, do I love clothes. I loved dresses, I love dressing up, I love doing my hair and wearing jewelry. I love looking pretty and feminine, and put together. What goes right along with loving clothes......SHOPPING! It has long been a dream of mine to be a professional shopper. I would love it! I even like shopping for other people, I'm not selfish! ;-) However, this past year especially, I have not loved clothes. I can't find or keep clothes that fit me right, I don't like the way I look in clothes, and I don't even like getting dressed some days. This morning, for example, I laid in bed for an extra 45 minutes simply because I was putting off getting dressed. That is so not like me. Two weekends ago was the Brookside Art Festival. I have been before and loved it. I didn't go this year, becuase I didn't feel like myself. This has happened many times over the past months. Luckily, I only have a few more weeks of this. That is the promising part. We'll see how it goes!

Here we go....

2009-05-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

Today marks day 1 of the liquid only diet. This portion will last the entire two weeks before my surgery. When I first heard it was a liquid diet, I wasn't too worried, because I figured I could have soups, jello, broth, smoothies, etc. Boy was I wrong! I am limited to water and protein shakes. Fun times! I'll keep you updated on how it's going.

In other news, I went home this past weekend and had an absolute blast. I was able to attend my mother's district-wide retirement recognition banquet. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad my brother and I were both able to attend. On Friday I spent the day with my cousin making cakes, on Saturday I played golf with my brother and dad and my brother's roommate (and I won, by the way...but no bragging here! :-) ). On Saturday afternoon we went to Hillsboro to see my cousin Christen who was home from Boston for the weekend. Then on Sunday we attended Andrew's baptism and had lunch with my dad's side of the family. I had a great weekend, and as always, it was hard to come back to Kansas City. It always takes a few days to settle back in. This time, however, with all the dietary and medication changes due to the impending surgery, it is taking a little bit longer.

Two weeks and counting.....

Selfish Thoughts

2009-05-05T19:07:00.001-07:00

I spent most of the last two days thinking about my upcoming surgery. It hit me Sunday night that I am going to be in a lot of pain, and unable to do the things I take for granted on a daily basis. That thought was overwhelming, and it has tried to consume my thoughts for the past couple of days. However, tonight I sat down for a minute in between finishing up dinner and starting laundry, and hopped on the computer to check blogs. MckMama's post tonight talked about being an 'island', and that was exactly what I felt like all day today. However, she goes on to talk about praying for others so that no one will feel that way. That really snapped me back into reality, and I realized that I had spent so much time the last two days thinking about myself that I haven't really prayed for others. Humbling.

Check out MckMama's blog: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/05/not-island.html

Random musings....

2009-05-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my Monday evening random musings! Dinner is in the oven, and since it's meatloaf, I've got time to spare, so I'm sharing with you my random thoughts of the day. Ok, a few of them....I have many :-)

Neighbors.....ah, neighbors. Growing up we had great neighbors, for the most part. There was that weird family who had a tiger in their backyard, but other than that, from what I can recall, our neighbors were always friends. In my parent's neighborhood it is still that way, they have block parties (I even had the pleasure of attending the annual Gingerbread House Decorating party - which was an absolute blast!). Maybe being friends with your neighbors is just a southern thing? Maybe it is just that I am really young compared to my neighbors? In my new neighborhood I have some interesting neighbors.
On the north side is an elderly widower, who is also a veteran. He's a really nice guy and always waves to me. He told me the other day he likes having me for a neighbor. I like having him for a neighbor too.
On the south side is a single lady with the most annoying dogs in the history of man. I learned yesterday that she owns a doggie daycare, which is why yesterday was the first day I had ever seen her. She has a doggie door out back so her annoying dogs can run in and out all...night...long - and bark - - at nothing! You want to know what barking dogs at 3am does to my precious sleeping dogs - just imagine!
Across the street and to the south is a lady who has a young son, probably three or four. I don't think they spend one minute inside the house while the sun (or son - haha) is up. Oh, and they never play in the back yard either - it is always in the front!
But the kicker, and the ones that got me thinking about neighbors are my across the street neighbors - a couple and their grown son. Before I moved in, the girl that lived here told me they owned a landscaping business and were very nice and helpful. According to her, the son did all of the yard work for her. Well, I do my own yard work, so thus far I have not had occasion to meet the son. However.....I met the wife the other day. She came across the street while I was leaving to go to work. She seemed very nice and welcomed me to the neighborhood. Then Saturday I met the husband. He was out doing yard work and I was out front with two of our dogs. (Side note: the backyard collects water, thus making it a muddy nightmare when you let the dogs out, so we let Mimi out back and take Tia and Beta out front. Tia is always on a leash, but Beta is so timid that he would never dream of crossing the street, so I don't put him on a leash. Now, I understand that Beta is a pit bull, but he is not the typical pit bull. Seriously. Up until he graduated from PetSmart Training two weeks ago, he was afraid to even venture out of his kennel for too long, much less meet new people or dogs. Now, however, he is a very friendly dog.) Okay, back to the story...my neighbor came over to 'meet' me, petted and played with the dogs, then told me that his wife was afraid of our dogs and could we please not bring them out front anymore. So, being the nice person that I am, I told him we would put them on leashes if we bring them out front. But my whole thing is....why can't she just stay in the house if she is so scared? She is always looking out the window...I really wanted to say - Newsflash! My dog is not going to run across the street, through your yard, and open your door and come in to your house to attack you. Have you ever known a dog to do that? So today, I took them both out on a leash, and it was a PAIN let me tell you! So now I'm more annoyed than I was on Saturday, but I don't want to be the bad neighbor.....

Paperbackswap.com - have you ever heard about this website? It's awesome! You sign up, post your books that you have already read and want to get rid of, and you can 'swap' books with other members. The only thing you have to pay for is the shipping. For the first 10 books you post, you get 2 'credits' which means you can request two books from other members. Once someone requests one of your books, you ship it to them and receive a credit to request another book. It's amazing! Why didn't I think of this! This week I'm reading "Sail" by James Patterson, and I didn't even feel guilty for reading half of it in one day! Check it out.

Ok, that's enough randomness for now. I can smell the meatloaf, so it must be time to put the finishing touches on dinner.

Happy Monday!

We have a date...

2009-04-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently I missed a call from my doctor's office yesterday. I remember seeing the missed call number and thinking it may be something important, but after that it totally slipped my mind. Today on my way to a meeting that I wasn't too excited about going to, something reminded me to check my voice mail, and sure enough, it was the nurse calling to schedule my surgery! Wow! That was fast! So we scheduled my procedure for Tuesday, May 26th. I honestly am shocked with how fast all of this is happening, but the good news about that is there is less time to be nervous! I plan to post updates as much as I can along the way. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support.

Have a blessed Wednesday.

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible." Christopher Reeve

I'm approved!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

After a looooong seven month wait, I finally received the news I had been waiting for today. My surgery has been approved by my insurance!!!

I vividly remember last year on Mother's Day weekend, I was talking to my mother about my struggles with my weight and mentioned that I wondered if I could have 'weight loss surgery'. If you're from Kansas City, I'm sure you've heard the "Less of You, More of Life...Weight Loss Surgical Center" jingle. Well, after hearing that commercial for a million times, I finally allowed myself to wonder if it was a possibility.

I have been on the heavier side all of my life, but once I quit playing golf in college my weight ballooned. I have fluctuated quite a bit over the past ten years, and even lost quite a bit of weight for a while, but I was not doing it in a healthy way and that caught up to me. Despite being diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few years ago and being treated for that as well as some vitamin deficiencies, and despite spending a lot of time in the gym over the past million years I have been unable to shed significant weight. As you can imagine, this has caused a lot of stress for me over the past few years. However, when I first entertained the thought of surgery, I also felt like I was failing myself or 'giving up' on myself. I have the mentality that to lose weight properly you need to spend hours a week in the gym and 'eat right'. Well, that just wasn't working, so after talking to my mom and looking into my insurance requirements to cover the surgery, I began the quest.

Over the past seven months I have met with an exercise physiologist and dietitian each week, met with the surgeon, and even a psychiatrist to meet the requirements. Supposedly the paperwork was submitted last Monday (the 20th), but I asked them again yesterday to fax it instead of mail it, and was told they did. This morning , I called the insurance company to verify they had received the fax yesterday and she initially told me she didn't have a record of my authorization, but then she put me on hold......after she came back on the line, she told me my file was sent directly to the medical clinician who had approved my claim 10 minutes before I called. I literally started crying on the phone and told the woman that the news she just gave me made my life....not my day, but my life.

I can't begin to express how excited I am and what an answer to prayer this is. I had just expressed my frustration to my mom yesterday afternoon and she even replied that now she knew how to specifically pray for me....well, those specific prayers worked. God is good all the time! I have learned so much about myself through this journey, and now I am excited to start a new, different journey.

The process now is that I have to wait for the doctor to send me the 'official' letter, then I schedule the pre-op class in which I get more detailed information about the two-week liquid diet before surgery and that is when I will get to schedule the actual surgery. The things I am not looking forward to so much, but will gladly suffer through to reach the end result, are the two-week liquid diet that is mandatory before the surgery to prep my body, and the wait until I am able to schedule the surgery.

I also got some really exciting news today regarding my job and the program I run, but I'll talk about that in another post soon.

By the way, I noticed today that my blog is seriously lacking in pictures....I'll work on that!

Have a blessed day!!

Spring is FINALLY here!

2009-04-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

After months and months of wondering if spring was ever going to get here, I can safely say - it has arrived....with a vengeance! Once the daffodils and tulips bloomed, the fountains were turned back on, and the leaves started growing on trees I had hope that there would indeed be a spring in Kansas City this year....however, it was not until I could not watch TV Saturday night because Brian Busby and Katie Horner interrupted all the shows to 'warn' us of impending tornadoes that I knew it was official - Welcome, Spring - oh, how I have longed for you!
I did yard work Saturday morning, including mowing my back yard which probably hadn't been mowed in 2 years. It took forever! Half of the yard is thick, the other half has no grass. Luckily someone left an old-fashioned push mower in the garage, so I was able to use it to hack through a lot of the growth and then use my modern day mower (thank you to whoever invented them) to finish it off. A couple of weeks ago I put down fertilizer and some grass seed, so I was pretty excited to notice some new growth starting in the places where the previous tenant decided not to rake the leaves, thus leaving huge patches of dead grass/weeds. Fun times!

In other news, I am no longer a fan of doctor's offices and insurance companies. I mean, who is, really? I received an email last Monday from the doctor's office that my pre-authorization information had been sent to the insurance company. I checked my online account every day last week (sometimes twice a day) to see if the authorization had been received and assigned a number, and it never showed up. This morning I called Coventry and after speaking to three different departments, they swear they have not received anything. So, I emailed the doctor's office and asked them to please fax it again. Ugh!!!! I would like to point out to America that I have a full-time job already, and I do not enjoy spending part of my day making sure other people have done their job! Ok, I'm over my tantrum. Here's hoping I hear something this week.....

More updates will come soon (I'm supposed to be working - you know, the full-time job thing?!?!)

Quote for today: "Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. Ambrose Bierce"

Long Break.....and finally some news

2009-04-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

I never intend to have such long breaks between posts, but I guess life just gets in the way. Here are some recent updates:
- I finished all of my 'pre-approval' stuff for my surgery, and my claim *should* be in the hands of the insurance company by now. I say should because I have not been able to get in touch with the Dr's assistant for the past week. I'm very hopeful, but VERY nervous at this point. I really want/need this surgery (depending on what lens you look at it through). I will post more about what the surgery actually is and give details when I find out if I have been approved.

- I went home for Easter, and had SO much fun! (I know that was a week ago, bear with me!) I flew in Thursday night and spent the evening with my parents. It was so good to have some time with just the three of us. Friday morning received a much needed hair cut and color. (I was developing some seriously scary roots!). Friday afternoon my mom, dad, brother, and I all headed down to Hillsboro to see my Aunt Tena and Uncle Steve, and my cousin Courtney, her husband Cody, and their amazingly adorable son Brayden. We had such a good time! We talked and visited and talked some more, ate an amazing supper of home-raised steaks, and took pictures in the bluebonnets. Note: I am not posting any of these pictures, because I do not have any of them. That is what happens when you give someone else the film and/or camera card! HINT HINT PEOPLE!!!! After an eventful Friday, I got up Saturday and went with my Aunt Sharon to Plano to Sadie's church Easter Egg Hunt. Let's just say it was FREEZING!!! We had a good time, though. Sadie wasn't too into the egg hunt, but we saw (not petted - saw) the animals in the petting zoo, she jumped in the bounce house, and went down the huge slide, and basically enjoyed the attention of all the adults! From there we went to lunch then back home to make eggs for Sunday, and hung out and visited, then finished the evening with my parents and Uncle Andy joining us for dinner. Then on Sunday, we had church, everyone over for lunch at my parents, watched Sadie hunt eggs in the house because it was pouring down rain, and loved on Andrew. All in all, it was an amazing weekend, and I didn't even mind too much the delayed flight on the way back to Kansas City.

- Work update: I finally found out this week that I do in fact have a job for next school year. I have talked about the uncertainty before, but the stress of it was really weighing on me, so I'm glad to have a definitive answer. However....it is not exactly the job I have right now. I'll post more about it later because it is a full post in itself.

I'm actually writing this from work on Sunday evening, so I'm going to wrap this up and get some more work done before I head back home to find something to make for dinner!

God Bless.

Taking it Day by Day

2009-04-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog in a few weeks. I didn't update because I don't always want to have something negative to say. So, I'll start out on a positive note: I had an amazing time in Las Vegas with my dad! We watched basketball for four days, ate some yummy food, played cards, saw a comedy show with surprise guest George Wallace, stayed in a ridiculously nice suite, and enjoyed our time together. I even snuck in a few hours at the pool (thanks to the NCAA scheduling committee there were longer breaks between sessions this year!). Since I have been back, I have been working like crazy and trying to keep myself from going clinically insane with this weather - I mean, seriously, I'm beginning to think God left his calendar on January and doesn't realize it is already APRIL!! I know he has a lot going on an everything, but can we get some spring time weather for seven consecutive days, PLEASE!!!)

I originally wrote the following post in the middle of Feb. I'm really not sure why I didn't publish it at the time. I ended the original post with the verse Proverbs 16:9 - "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." That is the one phrase I have held tight to in the past few months.
As an update (before you read the following, depressing post!), things are starting to look better. I feel confident that I will have a job next year; we should know something concrete in the next week or so. However, in that time of uncertainty, I started looking for other jobs as a fall back plan, but....the jobs I found really excited me and would be like promotions for me. I don't say actual promotions, because for all you corporate people, it is not moving up in my same department or division even; the moves would still be at the university, but in completely different capacities. This really excites me, but either way, I am confident the the new year will bring new challenges - and if you know me, you know I thrive on challenges!!! And in other news - I have my last meeting with the doctors this coming Wednesday, and the all the paperwork is submitted to insurance. If you think about it, please pray for me during these next couple of weeks. I can't imagine what my life will be like without this surgery, and as much as I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket, that's almost what I'm doing. That and the job thing....fun times.

Original (unpublished) post:
As mentioned before and as evidenced by everyone who knows me, I'm a planner. I plan for everything and even carry a notebook with me at all times that contains plans, lists, thoughts, pre-plans, etc. I go through two to three notebooks a year, all full of plans. They can be as simple as the errands I am going to run during the weekend, or the tasks I need to complete at home, or as complex as the major-headache-of-a-data-project and journal article I'm working on at work right now.

One of the hardest things about being a Christian for me is to give my plans to God. I want so badly to have control over the plans that I make, not just the list of errands I'm going to run, but the major events in my life as well. God has made it perfectly clear to me that he does not need my help planning out my life, but for some reason, I keep doing it anyway!

I have always known exactly what I wanted to do with my life, and when I wanted to do it. If something dramatic changed, the next door was almost immediately opened for me. I think I have gotten rather spoiled to that way of life. I knew I wanted to go to college and play golf. I wasn't good enough to get a scholarship, but I was able to walk on at OSU. I know it was expensive, and wondered if we would be able to afford it, but I got some academic money that helped out. I knew I wanted to study business and breezed through my courses. I knew I wanted to work with people, and I really wanted to work in athletics, so I found a great graduate program at OU (yuck). Unfortunately, the week before the deadline (somewhere in March of my senior year) they closed the program completely. That left me without any plans of what to do after college. I really didn't want to leave all of my friends at OSU and my safety blanket in Stillwater, so I found a great graduate program there. It ended up being exactly what I wanted to do and a great mix of training for my future career. When I finished that program, I knew I wanted to move somewhere 'different' and be independent (of sorts). I found a job at KU that I really didn't think I was qualified for, but applied and got the job. It was by far the best job I could have gotten out of graduate school because it gave me experiences that I could not have gotten anywhere else. I quickly outgrew that job and knew I wanted something with a lot more responsibility.
That's when I found my current job. My supervisor at the time told me he didn't think I was qualified and not really what they were looking for, but I liked the description and applied anyway. After the first interview I was very confident that I could do this job, and I wanted it so bad. After the third interview, I was convinced it was the job for me. I have been here for almost four years now. Which brings me to the here and now......

I have no plans! It is driving me crazy! There is currently no funding for my program for next year, so my job status is completely up in the air. I can not look for a new position right now because I am waiting to have surgery and can not change insurance until June; if I wait too long to look for a position, there probably won't be any; my current university is in a hiring freeze; I just signed a new lease and love my house, and I'm not sure I want to move to Texas, although that is always an option.....so I have NO PLANS! It is driving me crazy. That, on top of my life situation, has me stressed.

I do my best to remember that God has this all planned out, even when I don't. I pray Proverbs 16:9 - "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

I'm out of here!

2009-03-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

The countdown officially started this time last year, but in one more day, I will leave behind the data projects and job stresses, the house cleaning, and dog attending, the cooking, and laundry, and head to Vegas for March Madness! This is the third year my dad and I have met up in Vegas to partake in the viewing activities of the first rounds of the NCAA tournament. It seems every year that it falls at just the right time. I have been working on some projects at work and dealing with some job related stuff that are about to drive me crazy, when what do you know - I get to leave on vacation! Oh, happy day!!! Wish me luck!!!!!

Really Rough Day

2009-03-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

You know those things that bother you all the time, but you sweep them under the rug because what's the point of dwelling on things that you can't change anyway? Well, the problem with sweeping them under the rug is that they are still there. Sure, dwelling on them doesn't change anything, but I'm not good at letting things go. I understand the concept of giving a problem (or two, or fifty...) to God, but my problem is that once I give it to him, it is always still in my mind. God has yet to take a troubling thought from my mind, so it always shows back up at some point in time. Usually when I least expect it.
Today, for some silly reason, all of those thoughts that do me no good to dwell on, have flooded my brain and I can't concentrate on anything else. I am sitting at my desk (yes, I'm supposed to be working), and these thoughts just creep up and I have been on the verge of tears all day.
In a nutshell, I am worried sick about my job. I know a lot of people are in the same situation, and my heart goes out to each one of them. No, I don't have children or a family to support, but with that, I also don't have the luxury of a second income coming in. If I don't have a job, I don't have anything other than my parents to fall back on. (Praise the Lord I have them, they are wonderful). So, it is hard to concentrate at work, despite the number of mind tricks I play on myself. On top of that, there are friendships that aren't going the way they should, or that I'm just not feeling 'right' about right now, and I don't really know what to do about them. It's not worth talking to anyone about really, so I just sweep it under the rug too, but they came out today as well. Yuck.
I'm just gonna sit at my desk and pray, and hopefully the day gets better.
I hope you are having a blessed day - and thanks for letting me rant.

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel????

2009-03-03T16:55:00.001-08:00

I have my sixth monthly meeting with the dietitian and exercise physiologist tomorrow, which means - - - I turn in all of my paperwork tomorrow and have one more monthly meeting (April 8th). After the meeting in April, the doctor will submit all of my paperwork to the insurance company, and I will know within a couple of weeks if I have been approved for surgery. When I started this process in September I thought it would take forever, but it really seems like time has flown. I am really getting excited, but for some reason I still have this fear in the back of my mind that I will be denied by my insurance. I'll keep you posted!

Update: The appointments went great today and all the paperwork is updated - I am officially getting excited. After the meeting in April, the longest wait (as long as it is approved by insurance *insert prayers here*) will be 8 weeks - so if all goes well (*insert prayers here*) - I will have my surgery by the beginning of June!!!!!!!!

House Updates

2009-02-16T18:05:00.000-08:00

I realize I haven't posted any pictures of my house yet. It is still very much a work in progress, but I have never had so much fun decorating and making a house a home. I am so in love with my house, despite the fact that my dishwasher is broken and I still haven't come up with a solution for the back fence. I haven't finished all of the decorating, but I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do in each room but the bathroom. I have to say, it feels amazing to have a place that I look forward to coming home to!

This is the table by the front door - I made the flower arrangement myself. The little white door is the mail, I think its the coolest thing! (Ignore the blob of brown at the bottom left - that's Tia, she didn't want to move - go figure!)

A picture of my new rug (thanks mom!) - it's an indoor/outdoor rug, so it has a really interesting texture, and according to the packaging, you can hose it off if it gets dirty - a definate must if you have three dogs in the house! Mimi and Beta felt the need to make cameo's in this picture as well!

The fruits of my labor this evening - I recovered the cushions on the chair. The curtains are from IKEA (reason #3,203,202 why I LOVE IKEA!), the flower arrangement I made myself from the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart, and the cool candle holders on the right wall were a Christmas gift from my cousin. This area of the living room has been accumulating a lot of junk/to-do items over the past few weeks, so I'm glad to have the chair covered and my little sitting area completed!

Final picture - the chairs in the kitchen that I recovered. The cushions were originally white, but after being stored in a garage for a few years, they were disgusting and I didn't feel like cleaning them, plus who wants white chairs in a kitchen? I covered them black because, well, I like black in my house, and they match everything else!

Ok, that's all for now. I'm finishing working on my wall art project for the Living Room, and still brainstorming other parts of the house. Stay tuned for more pictures.

Quick Update

2009-02-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while, that's what happens when you move and create extra projects at work all at the same time. So, here are a few quick updates on what's going on in my world:

I got to go home at the end of January to spend time with my cousin and her kids, as well as celebrate my brother's birthday. It was an amazing trip - the kind that makes you long for more time.
Everything is moved! Finally! I was so disorganized on this move, and that is not my style at all. I don't know what was going on with me, but I guess it was moving only a few blocks that threw me off; I'm usually a box-everything leave nothing behind kind of girl, but this time, I had maybe 20 boxes, the rest I moved in bags or just carried to my car.
There is hardly anything on my walls right now, and if you know me, you know this is driving me crazy! I put up the clock and the key-holder thingy in the Living Room as well as the cool wall sconce candle things my cousin got me for Christmas. That's it. Seriously. I have plans for the rest, but they all involve a little crafty-ness (is that a word), and I haven't set enough time aside for that yet.
36 days from today I'll be in Las Vegas with my dad. I absolutely can not wait!
The light globe over the stove in my kitchen just exploded - as I was writing this post. I just spent 20 minutes cleaning it up - fun times.
The student exchange conference my department is hosting starts next Tuesday and in a meeting yesterday, I was assigned even more things to work on. It's nothing major, just putting together a program and stuff, but I love doing that kind of thing.
I went to the chiropractor today to see about getting my back fixed and he informed me that it will cost $1500. Insurance pays 80% up to $1000, so I'm responsible for the rest - um...NO Thank You. Even if I did have that much money laying around, I wouldn't spend it at the chiropractor.
I have lots and lots of cupcakes to make this weekend - 5 dozen to be exact - for a birthday party on Sunday. I'm prepared for it to take forever, but I really hope it doesn't.
The reality that I am turning 30 this year has already started to hit, and I'm afraid I'm going to have a year full of depression.
I am anxiously awaiting warmer weather - especially pool weather.
I went to the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago and was told I needed to wear "computer glasses" - is this what the world is coming to? No more reading glasses, now we use computer glass. I've been wearing them for almost two weeks now and I haven't had a headache yet - yup, I'm getting old!

That's all for now. I have tons I could write, but I'm getting sleepy.

OSU basketball team members, community remember the 10

2009-01-27T12:50:00.001-08:00

There are events that take place that will be forever burned in you memory - you will remember where you were when it happend, how you felt, what your reactions were, the aftermath, and so much more. One event I will never forget is the OSU basketball plane crash on January 27, 2001. I was in my senior year at OSU and tutoring and mentoring men's basketball players at the time. One of my students, Daniel, was on the plane that crashed. The whole event and days surrounding were some of the most difficult times I have ever encountered. I was able to witness a university that I loved and called home come together in a beautiful showing of unity. I was able to work closely with and minister to other members of the basketball team through my academic involvement. I became a lot closer to my good friend Vic, through whom I eventually met my best friend. I learned a whole lot more about relying on God and not living only for the moment.

It has been eight years since that night, and it is still fresh in my mind and heavy on my heart at times. Today, and every day, my thoughts and prayers go out to the ones who lost their loved ones, and the many friends who were left behind hurting. Things like this change a person forever. I'm proud to be a member of the Cowboy family!!

OSU basketball team members, community remember the 10

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Not Me! Monday

2009-01-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. I love to read everyone else's Not Me! posts, and thought I'd start my week off with my own!

This week I did NOT:

- Put off packing my house for the entire week, secretly hoping the moving fairy would come and pack my house overnight

- Want to hug the DirecTV instillation guy for hooking up my tv in my new house

- Sleep on my mattress and box spring on the floor because I was too lazy to put them on the bed frame, and only use a blanket and comforter because I was too tired to unpack my sheets

- Fully expect my friend to break something when he helped me move, then still get mad when it happened

- Pray for a huge snow storm to hit Kansas City this week so work would be cancelled (that prayer obviously didn't work out!)

- I did not panic last night when I started coughing that I was getting a cold which meant that I would not get to play as closely with my 'nephew' this week in Dallas - but rest assured, I'm feeling 100% today

What about you? Feel free to share things you did NOT do this week! Happy Monday!

29 Random Things About Me.....

2009-01-23T08:23:00.001-08:00

Some of these may come as a surprise, but others the whole world probably already knows. Just thought it would be a fun post this Friday.

I am suffering from a severe case of procrastination, and it scares me because I have never been this way before.
I love sports - love watching them and wish that I was athletic enough to play them.
IF God had made me boy instead of a girl, Iwould have wanted to be a middle line backer in the NFL.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE College Basketball.
In refrence to #4, I love betting on basketball, and every year my Dad and I count down to March Madness in VEGAS!
I want to someday have 4 children - preferably all boys.
Wedding cake is my favorite food.
I'm not a big fan of ice cream.
I know a lot of people, but would only consider a handful of them to really be friends.
I only have one really good girl-friend who lives all the way in Indiana, because I find it hard to trust other girls as friends. (I have evidence that many of them are not trustworthy - found out the hard way!)
I wish I was better at the Golden Rule.
I question God a lot about why I am still single, and check in with him regularly to see if he notices that I'm not getting any younger.
I'm afraid turning 30 and being single with no kids will seriously depress me.
If I don't go shopping at least one day of the week, I sometimes feel like I'm going to go crazy.
That being said, my secret goal is to go five whole days without spending one cent.
I give a lot of myself to others, and often wonder if I am selfish to hope that someday I will get back in return.
Every day I feel torn about living away from my family, and sometimes feel guilty that I like being 'on my own'.
I want to adopt a baby. With or without a husband.
It makes me very jealous and even angry to see women who have children and not want to take care of them or not care about them.
I wonder if anyone in the world is truly happy or if people just convince themselves they are.
I am very concerned that I will not have a job by the middle of the summer.
I compare myself to everyone.
I love to cook, but never cook for just myself. If I'm alone, I eat soup, frozen pizza, or takeout.
I wonder what people would think about me if they knew some of my thoughts or secrets.
I am amazingly stubborn when I feel like being; especially when my feelings get hurt or someone wrongs me.
I love my family with my whole heart and can not imagine what I would ever do if I lost one of them. I worry about them all the time.
I have a best friend but it is a complicated relationship that no one understands, and I get really sick of trying to explain it to people.
I wonder if I will ever be loved or have the opportunity to give my heart to someone.
Above all else, I just want my life to be important.

The Lunch Date Blouse GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-01-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

The Lunch Date Blouse GIVEAWAY!!!!

Check out this amazingly beautiful blouse I stumbled upon! I love it because it is so pretty and different - If you know anything about me, you know that I don't like to have the same things as someone else, and this is exactly what I'm talking about! Go to the link above to enter for a chance to win it for yourself!

Moving Update

2009-01-17T21:13:00.000-08:00

Despite being somewhat lazy this afternoon and spending an unnecessary hour at Target this afternoon, I got a lot done today. I met the landlords and property manager at 9 this morning, and they are really nice people. She kept reiterating that they want me to make a home in the house and make it feel like my own. I can paint or do basically whatever I want. She even gave me permission to rig the side fences so they are a little higher - because we all know Miss Professional Escape Artist is guaranteed to get out in 5 minutes or less! I'm hoping I can get something temporary in place for a couple of months until I can con my dad into visiting and lending his expertise!
I went back over to the house this afternoon by myself to walk through it again and decide where I'm going to put everything. I have the bedrooms and kitchen pretty much figured out, but I have no clue how I want to arrange the living room. Currently, my living room consists of a couch, tv stand, bookcases, and two dog kennels - enough seating for 2! What I really want is a chair and a half, or oversized chair to go in the living room, but I'm not in a position to obtain one right now, so I'm going to recover the cushions on a wooden chair I found at Goodwill a few years back. A couple of things I'm excited about - in addition to the ones I posted earlier - the girl who lived there before left some really cute curtain rods in the living room and my bedroom; the landlords supply yard tools including a really nice snow shovel and rake; the bedroom is bigger than I initially imagined and I don't think it will be as cluttered as my room now (yeah!!!!!).
As for my accomplishments today - I feel I did very well! I have everything out of my bathroom that I can live without for the next week; my closet is cleaned out and mostly moved; my closet room is underway; and I have a huge pile of things to take over tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good about things. As for my list of things I need to buy, I have a feeling that will grow over the next few days! I am certainly going to need curtains at some point, a new shower curtain, a few rugs for the kitchen and to put by the front and back door, and some paint for my bedroom and possibly the second bedroom. We'll see about the painting thing - first things first! I took lots of pictures today but I'm seriously too lazy/tired to upload them tonight so I'll post them later this weekend.

Babies, Budgets, Books and Boxes

2009-01-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

Maybe at some point in my life, I will be able to sue this title on my blog for myself - I can imagine it now, I have a baby, I have to budget, and my many tons of cute clothes and tons of books have to go into boxes to make room for baby. But, not yet. When, you may ask? Ask God - when he tells you, please get back to me. I'm wondering the same thing! You know what? Ask God about that husband part first, and let me know if he tells you anything. First things first, ya know!

Ok, so the real post. My mind is consumed this week with Babies and Budgets - but not really boxes. The real priorities should be 1 - Budgets (because its for work), 2 - Boxes (because I'm supposed to be moving tomorrow), and 3 - Babies (because I don't get to go to Texas to see the new baby for two weeks). As usual, my procrastination gene has kicked in and my priorities are all off. So, here's a couple of new pictures of Andrew and Sadie that I stole off my cousin Debra's facebook page:

This one is big sister Sadie seeing baby brother for the first time. I can only imagine the look on her face from the other direction! I wish I had been old enough to remember my brother's birth - how cool is that.

Here is Sadie holding Andrew. She is such a big girl, and from what I hear, is so proud to be a big sister. Some day I'll talk with her about all the responsibilities of having a little brother (you know, me being the expert big sister and all! haha!), but for now it looks like she's in control! For comparison, here's a picture of Sadie when she was three days old:

Look how far she's come! Now can you see why I'm totally smitten with these two? They are the closest I have to a niece and nephew and probably ever will (unless my brother changes his mind one of these days). So, I've adopted them as my niece and nephew - and I love them to pieces! They have been on my mind a lot this week - the heck with packing boxes! haha!

In other news, I have inherited a new project at work this week, which has totally made my day. I love creating and planning and budgeting and orgainzing. So, this week, my boss asked me to help with an international student exchange conference we are hosting in a few weeks. I was originally asked to help with the budgeting and loved that part of it, then yesterday I got to sit in on a planning meeting and was able to contribute many of my own ideas to the mix. I really enjoy my collegaues and am excited to be working on this project. Hopefully I'll be a success!

Finally, yes, tomorrow is the big day! I sign my lease in the morning and can start moving my stuff into my new house. I'm excited and nervous, and have seriously not done anything to prepare except call the utility companies and my current landlord! Wow, am I a procrastinator or what! So, I'm going to just put my goals out there in cyberspace so I have some sort of accountability! This weekend I plan to:

Saturday - do a walk through, decide where I want to put everything in the new house, make a list of things I need to buy (hopefully its very short!), start moving things from my closet and bathroom.

Sunday - move things from my closet room and basement.

Monday - make sure the new basement is organized, all of my bedroom and living room stuff I don't need until next weekend is moved. Spend a few hours at the office to tie up loose ends and prepare for the week.

Wish me luck - I'm not to optimistic about my productivity! haha!! On a side note, I made some oh, so, yummy red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing last night - they were oh, so, yummy! I took pictures, I'll post tomorrow (oh, wait, I'm supposed to be moving !!!). Did I mention they're yummy?!?!

Babies and Miracles

2009-01-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

Today, January 13th, 2009, my beautiful cousin Denise gave birth to a healthy 9.5lb baby boy, Andrew. I can not be more excited for her, her husband Travis, and Sadie, the new big sister.

Sadie is a beautiful 3 1/2 year old who will melt your heart. She was born premature and had to stay in the hospital for what seemed like ages, but you could never tell that today. I got to spend time with her over Christmas making cookies for Santa and playing. It was such a sweet time, and I feel so blessed that she is a part of my life. Her smiles can light up a room, and her laughter is angelic.

Today, our miracle became the big sister to another miracle. Andrew was born healthy, but that in no way takes away from the fact that this new life is a miracle from God. I can't wait to meet Andrew, and get to know this little man. Here's a picture of Andrew and proud dad Travis.

This family is so special to me. I have 10 cousins total, but I would probably say that Denise is the one I am closest to (no offense to my other cousins - I love you all very much). On my dad's side of the family, there are four grandkids, my cousins Debra and Denise are sisters, then there are me and my brother. Growing up we didn't see each other too often because we lived in west Texas and they lived in Louisiana, but it seemed like every time we saw each other we had never missed a beat. It still feels like that today. She is a few years older than I am, and we are usually at different places in our lives, but that has never stopped us from being more than cousins, we are friends. She is like a big sister to me, and I love her and her gorgeous family so much. I can't wait to see you all at the end of the month and meet Mr. Andrew!

I'm Moving on Up......

2009-01-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah, good news - I'm finally moving. I do not think I could be more excited right now! I found a really cute two bedroom house about five blocks from where I'm living now. The new house is a 'real' two bedroom (meaning the second bedroom is actually large enough to live in - more on that later). It is a lot nicer than the house I'm in now - two bedrooms, large living room, a much bigger kitchen with lots more cabinets and a dishwasher (!!!), full basement, washer and dryer included, fenced yard, the how shabang! Everything fell into place so nicely, and I have no doubts that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
Some of the too good to be true details:

The girl who currently rents needed to move out because of financial issues, and wanted out asap, even though her lease was not over until March 31
My lease is month to month, I had already paid all of January, so I have until the end of the month to be out - meaning I can take my time moving all my stuff (and boy do I have a lot of stuff!)
The house comes with an almost brand new Washing Maching and Dryer. Exciting in and of itself, but what you don't know is that my own 2 year old washing machine is broken beyond (cheap) repair, and the repair man told me to just buy a new one because that would be cheaper.
I am able to move in starting the 17th of this month. The prorated rent is cheaper than what I would have spent on a new washing maching (with delivery and warranty).
The girl living there called me on Saturday as she was moving stuff out to ask if I wanted her to leave the queen sized bed in the spare bedroom.
There's an unfinished bedroom in hte basement that will be perfect for my many crates of clothing and shoes, but most importantly - my punching bag I've been without for the past two years!
The landlord is letting me sign my own lease this month instead of taking over the other young lady's rent and having to wait until April 1 to sign a lease.

Have I said that I'm excited??? I 'shopped' online all weekend for new things for the house. (Don't worry Dad - I didn't spend any money!). The good news is that I pretty much have everything I need as for decorations and furnishings, and goodness knows I can fully equip that kitchen! All I really *need* is a new shower curtain and stuff for the bathroom because mine are wearing out quickly; curtains for my room, the living room, and the little cute window in the kitchen; a few plants; and possibly a new rug for the living room and a rug for my room.

I can't wait to post before and after pictures - I'll take pictures on Saturday (the 17th) when I go sign the lease and get the keys, and I'll keep you updated on the progress. I should also post pictures of the 'old' house that I'm in now.....we'll see if I can get it cleaned up enough to be photographed!

Christmas tree pics

2008-12-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of my little Christmas tree. Like I said, once I decorated it, I was glad I went through the effort. I went with a silver theme, and I must say I love it. I even found stockings to match at the dollar store. Gotta love a bargain!

You can kind of see the spiraly things in this picture. I have no idea what the official name of them are, but I love them. They add a 'modern' look to my tree.

All lit up....

I tried to get Mimi to pose in front of the tree, but she isn't the best at "sit". When you tell her to sit, she thinks that means on your feet or somewhere touching you. So, I had to tell her to "lay down" which she thinks is punishment! Surely it's easier to pose children - you and always bribe them, right?! Haha!

Christmas time is here....

2008-12-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas time is here

Happiness and cheer

Fun for all that children call

Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air

Carols everywhere

Olden times and ancient rhymes

Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air

Beauty everywhere

Yuletide by the fireside

And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here

We'll be drawing near

Oh, that we could always see

Such spirit through the year

Oh, that we could always see

Such spirit through the year...

Let's just be honest, I love Christmas. I'm fond of snow at Christmas (but no other times!), I love the music, the smells, the sounds, the friends and family, and of course the food! I came home from Thanksgiving with my family and decorated my tiny little house, and I love it. It feels so cozy and "Christmas-ey". I went with a silver and white theme this year, and am so OCD that I am carrying it over into my wrapping paper. I have some gifts to wrap this weekend, so I'll post a few pictures after is all together. There are even stockings hung on the wall for us and the dogs. I even put a timer on my tree so I could fall asleep with Christmas lights glowing. About a month ago, I was being bah-humbug because I just wasn't feeling Christmas, I was down in the dumps about being 'alone' and feeling sorry for myself, but surrounding myself with pretty decorations and my nativity sets really reminds me of what Christmas is about. I'm even getting to spend an extra weekend with my family during this season.

Add all of this to the fact that I only have three gifts left to by, and I'm a very happy girl on this Friday night!

A blog I follow, Marla Bernard's, a beautiful lady I know from my Stillwater/OSU days, posted asking people their favorite Christmas memories. Here's what I posted on hers (because I'm too tired and lazy to rewrite it!):

One of my favorite things about this time of year is talking about Christmas memories! Every year before we opened our gifts with my dad's side of the family, someone would read the story of Christ's birth from the bible and we would all pray as a family. That is one of my favorite times, and something that I hope to continue when I have a family. Anway, one year, my brother, two cousins, and I decided we wanted to act out the story, so we raided my grandmother's linen closet and used towels and sheets to dress like Mary, Joseph, and the shepards. We had a lot of fun doing it, but what I remember and love the most about it is that my it was so special to my grandparents that they talked about it for many years after.

Honesty and Vulnerability

2008-11-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

I do not blog as often as I want to because I tend to be cautious regarding the things I blog about. I want to be honest and transparent about my everyday feelings, but I do not like the thought of having to be overly cautious about the words I choose to say. I'm going to take a stab at it today, minus the caution.
The holidays are approaching (too fast if you ask me - wasn't it just New Year's???). Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my absolute favorite holidays. Is there a better way to end a busy year? Spending time with friends and family celebrating the things we have to be thankful for? ~ Not to mention good food and football! ~ and then topping all that off a few weeks later with the celebration of the birth of Jesus and a reminder of love and new beginnings. Like I said, I used to love the holidays, I still enjoy them, just not the same way. Living so far away from my family, I look forward to the time each year when I can get away and spend some quality time at home with my parents and brothers, cousins, aunts, and uncles. The hard part about the holidays? Another year without someone special to celebrate with. I know a lot of people struggle with loneliness during the holiday season, particularly those who have lost loved ones. My cousins and I like to talk about our favorite memories of Christmases past with our grandmother and grandaddy, and I love to hear my mom and dad talk about their favorite memories as well. This to me helps bring those loved ones into the celebration in a way that we are able to honor the legacy they have left in us. I love family and everything that family entails. I love to spend time with my family, laughing, reminiscing, dreaming planning, and sharing the special bond and closeness that is only shared with family. The loneliness comes in because I am past the point where I want my own family to start traditions with. To dream with, plan with, celebrate with. I'm ready to get my life started, yet I constantly feel like I am at a stand still.

Wait until I graduate from college. Check.
Wait until I get my Master's degree. Check.
Wait until I get a 'real' job. Check.
Wait until I get my mind right. Check.
Wait until....... I feel like its always "Wait until".

I love my family; I have amazing parents, a wonderfully supportive brother; cousins I would consider close as sisters, aunts I admire and love talking to, and uncles that are genuinely interested in what is going on in my life. I even have a baby cousins who I love and adore like nieces and nephews. The longings of my heart are not meant to take away from any of that - not in the least. My heart longs to add to that. I long to have a family of my own, a husband and children. I would love to have a beautiful home to decorate for the holidays like my mom always does. I am not even sure if I will decorate for Christmas this year. I don't feel a lot of joy for the holiday at this point. Add that to the economy and I can't even make a Christmas list. Me, the queen of lists! I've sat down to write it out three or four times and don't have a clue what to get anyone!
I'm all over the place mentally - I'll write more tomorrow. Thankfully, I'm off to Texas on Tuesday morning to spend time with my beautiful family.

Two Cakes, and some Cookies

2008-11-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today was the end of the season football party for Jaylen's 3rd grade team that Willie and Randall coached. We had a fun pizza party complete with a pinata and cake and cookies (supplied by yours truely). This was my second time with a frozen buttercream transfer on a cake. I was very pleased with the way it turned out, and judging by the fact that there wasn't a piece left, it must have been yummy too!

Earlier in the week I made a cake for Sarah, one of my Lead Coaches. Her birthday was actually two weeks ago, but better late than never! This was my first time with a frozen buttercream transfer, and it was a lot of fun. It cracked a little when I was trying to put it on the cake, but I was able to patch it up so it looked good.

I thought I might take a brake for a few weeks, but I have volunteered to make a cake for Diani's birthday party next weekend. Then, maybe a break???

Halloween Cookies

2008-11-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, Ok, a little late, but here are my most recent creations. This was my first time with rolled buttercream icing, and I was so excited that they turned out so well. Oh, and they tasted SOOOOO yummy too!

Update, and Yes, I'm still alive!

2008-11-12T10:38:00.002-08:00

OK, so I started this blog with the intention of writing at least a couple of times a week, but we see how that turned out! I have made a deal with myself and I will definitely be updating more frequently. The past three times I have sat down to update, I realized my camera batteries were dead, so I had no pictures to download. Yes, I will look for an excuse anywhere! The thing is, I'm on the computer literally all day - both at work and frequently at home; so there's no good reason not to blog.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want my blog to really be about. I read quite a few other blogs, and they all seem to have some kind of theme, or are about journeys people are experiencing. I'm not big into copying other people, never have been, so that leaves me trying to figure out what to do. So, as the title of my blog says, I'm going to figure it out as I go. That's pretty much how I do everything else, so that shouldn't be too hard.
I have some pictures of cakes and cookies to post that I will get up as soon as I recharge the batteries in my camera. I also have many stories and experiences that happen to me through the day that I will get better about posting. However, for now, I must return to the exciting land of work and grade some papers and create agendas for my meetings the rest of this week. Don't be jealous - its not as exciting as it sounds! :)

Professional Escape Artist

2008-09-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

Meet Mimi

On the outside, or to the uninformed person, Mimi looks like a very pretty, seemingly innocent black lab. Don't let appearances fool you! Mimi is a professional escape artist. Now, before you laugh, let me assure you I am not making this up. You can ask my dad. Mimi loves to be outside. Her two favorite things in life are being outside and getting petted (is that a word??). When we are in the house and I get up off the couch or walk from one room to the other, she assumes this means she gets to go outside. It's pretty funny actually, and I'm very fortunate that she enjoys being outside so much, especially in such a small house. The problem lies in the fact that Mimi has a severe case of "the grass is always greener..." I hate to keep her on the leash all the time, but if I don't she will find any and every way possible to get out of the yard. She drives me crazy with this. Especially because all she does once she gets out is stand on the other side of the fence and taunt the other two dogs, or run around to the front and wait for me to open the door and let her in. Seriously, this drives me crazy! As I type right now, she is off the leash in the backyard, and I'm crossing my fingers that she will still be in the yard when I go check on her.

The other two dogs we have are Tia and Beta. They are both sweet, and luckily not nearly as creative in getting out of the yard as Mimi is! I'll post pictures of Tia and Beta soon.

Roses & Crazy Sundays....

2008-09-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have sat down to post these pictures about three times in since Wednesday night, and it just never happened. So, now that it is Sunday afternoon and I need to be working on stuff for work tomorrow (yuck!), I decided now is as good a time as ever!

My cake class is going good; its a four week class, so I only have one week left. Last week we learned how to start a rose - but for people like me who don't like to start something and not finish it, she showed us how to finish it. She promised we'd have a lot more time this week to practice - I sure hope so! I also learned how to make a couple of different flowers as well as some other cool techniques like the shell boarder. We were supposed to make this cake with icing clowns on the top, but not being a big fan of clowns, I opted to do cupcakes with flowers and balloons - unique, I know.

So, here's some pictures of my first roses and the cupcakes I made:

So, tomorrow I have an Open House for work. Basically, its a come-and-go reception for the faculty on campus. We post our most recent data for them and showcase the different facets of our program. I bravely have nominated myself to decorate the cake for the open house. I figure it if looks terrible, I can always cut it up before anyone gets there! Hahaha! I did however, decide to buy the cake already iced so all I will be in charge of is putting the logo on the top. So, in addition to compiling the data for the display board for the open house, and grading 60 journals and assignments from my classes this past Friday, and writing detailed lesson plans for the next two weeks, I have to ice a cake! I am currently questioning my sanity! At least I have the Ryder Cup and the Cowboys to keep me occupied! I'll post pictures of the cake for work tonight or tomorrow.

Encouragement

2008-09-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

Some days you just need a little encouragement, ya know? There are times that I feel like I am the only one who knows what I am going through and no one is even capable of empathizing; much less sympathize. Those thoughts usually come on my pity party days! Sometimes, though, especially in the middle of a pity party, God will gently nudge me or send me a soft reminder that I have special people in my live who do empathize with me. I have a beautiful friend, Jessica, who is so close to my heart. We are the kind of friends who can go for months without talking and then pick right back up like we never missed a beat. I had the honor of standing beside her in her wedding last fall, and she has just welcomed a beautiful baby girl, Makaela Jane. We were corresponding yesterday, catching up on each other's lives, and she wrote to me:

"I hope things start falling in place for you soon. I know they will eventually, it's just hard to wait for eventually to come! "

Those words were just what I needed to hear at that moment. As you know me, you know that I am person who stays busy. I'm always doing something or taking on some new project or task, whether at work, at home, or anywhere else I can find it. I do that because I do not like to sit around and think too much. I do not like to have too much time on my hands, because my mind wanders and I never know where it will lead me. I desire more than anything else to be a wife and a mother. I desire to make a large scale impact on under served populations in the community, especially children. I desire to help other mothers and fathers become the best parents they can be. I have so many desires, and so much that I want to do......eventually.

Where I struggle is that I do not think my "eventually" is contingent upon myself solely. I know there are things I need to be doing along the way, of course. What I get tripped up on is the feeling that I am waiting on God to help things 'fall into place'; especially with the husband and kids part.

So, thank you Jess for your encouraging words and your reminder. It helps to know that others are as aware of the frustration that accompanies waiting for "eventually".

Here's a picture of Jess (left), Lindsay, and myself the weekend of Jess's wedding. (Pardon the fact that I look sunburned - it was cold and windburn!)

The Game I Love

2008-09-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

After playing golf almost every day for so many years, it feels weird to have gone the whole summer without playing. I've been itching to play, but haven't made the time. At the same time, I have been spending Tuesday afternoons/evenings with Jaylen, my friend Willie's son. Jaylen is 8 and in the 3rd grade, and is quite the athlete. He loves basketball, but his passion is football. So, this Tuesday I decided I would introduce him to golf! It was so funny! He is so competitive and wanted to beat me so bad! We hit a few balls, basically just trying to teach him how to hold the club and a few of the basics. Here's a few pictures:

He was actually pretty good, and we had a lot of fun. It was funny to watch him after he hit it in the air the first time! Oh, I remember that days! After the driving range, we went to the putting green for some more friendly competition. I must say, it didn't take long for it to all start coming back to me.

All in all, it was a fun day in the beautiful weather.

Cakes Galore!!!

2008-09-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have a new hobby!! I have wanted to learn to decorate cakes for a long time, but have always convinced myself that I was too busy to take a class or didn't have enough money for the class and supplies. So, in my new effort to take time for something I want to do - especially now that the pool is closed and its getting cold outside - I signed up for the Wilton Course I at the local JoAnn's. I signed up during their Open House preview and got a great discount on the class, and shopped around to get the best prices on the supplies, and took the plunge! Here's some of my supplies when they arrived in the mail:

The first class was just a lecture, but for this week's class we had to make our own cake and pick our design. We also had to bring a small truck load of icing with us, so I spent most of Saturday making icing, cleaning the mixer, making more icing, and then coloring it. Here's a glimpse:

(By the way - did you notice my new do-it-all handy-dandy appliance? Yes, it is a toaster/convection oven/broiler/defroster/etc. It does it all. I LOVE it - my mom and dad got it for me at the Linens-n-Things going out of business sale while they were here in August, and its the best kitchen purchase I have made in a long time!!!)

Back to cakes......so for tonight's class I made up my own design of interlocked circles. Here's the finished product:

Not too bad for my first try, if I say so myself. I was a little tired by the end of the night so my border is a little lacking. I admit I have a long way to go, but I'll keep you posted on my progress. Next week in class we learn to make roses!

Plan to Plan

2008-09-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

I am a planner. So much so that I plan to plan....yes, I make plans about when I am going to plan things. Laugh if you want, but when you are wasting time trying to decide what to do, I am getting ahead - because I had a plan and you didn't!!!! Along with the planning, I am typically one of the most decisive people I know; I always know what I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to go about doing it. When I go to eat with a group of friends, I always know where I want to go; when I went to college, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. That's just me.

Until now. I'm embracing what some researchers call the "Quarter-Life Crisis". I am not exactly at a crossroads, but I feel like I am, thus making me feel like I need to make decisions. The main one: Do I stay in Kansas City, or do I look for a job in Texas? That's a tough one - and for the first time in my life, I feel completely baffled and indecisive. I have been struggling with this decision for close to a year now, and change my mind at least once a week. However.....I now have a plan...albeit a contingency plan. But a least it's a plan, right? I won't go into too many details at this point, but stay tuned. The bottom line is at least I can sleep a little easier, because I have a plan!!!

Welcome to Bloggerville

2008-09-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am officially welcoming myself to the world of blogging, aka "Bloggerville". I signed up for and started creating this blog somewhere in the neighborhood of nine months ago, but then decided that my life was so boring there was nothing to blog about, so I let it sit. I love to read blogs, I 'lurk' on other people's blogs all the time, some of them friends, some people I 'kind of knew' in college, and even some of perfect strangers. I find it fascinating, and so I have been trying to inspire myself to join the party.
Today while I was doing some baking and preparation for my cake class on Wed (more about that in another post), I came up with close to twenty things to blog about, so I decided now is a good a time as ever! So, here goes.......